Long time no see- Finding my direction

Haven't been blogging for a long long long while. USed to think blogging was an utter waste of time. The suddenly I see that sometimes people just need to let all the things that are making a whirlwind in their head out. I used to do this by talking to me friends via msn. There is just something about typing in a ranting sorta fashion and hearing the keys go click click click that makes me feel better. Of course sometimes it'll be frustrating as you find that you can't type fast enough. But still...

So this blog is titled "Long time no see- Finding my direction". Says a lot about who I am now. Reading my old old posts that I posted long ago, I see that I've changed so much. Really. Thing is who is there to see that I've changed too? My secondary school friends have mostly gone out of touch; they can't vouch for me. And neither do my parents as they do not see much of me. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. Why lament on things that you can not change?

Recently, I feel as if I have found my direction and then lost it, found it again, then lost it again. Sometimes I feel so happy and contented, and the next, I feel empty, and isolated. This is not PMS and neither are these feelings mood swings exactly. Truth is, I haven't found myself yet. I've come to the conclusion that life is a never ending journey of self-realization and one should not care about the outcome of having found ones self. On the contrary people should be looking at how they GO ABOUT finding themselves instead.

I seriously thought I was mature enough. I've recently found out that I'm not. I get agitated rather easily- a flaw I've been working hard to cure. I've not been what I want to be- someone that people love and accept. True, I'm getting help to reach my goal.

Someone is helping me. Recently, he has helped my by making me tear down all my past "walls". Let me explain. I have the ability to block out things that hurt me. I never really cry or feel hurt for more than a few days to say for the maximum; I have been able to do that since when I was younger, when I was hurt by the way my parents scolded me etc etc. It may sound like I'm blaming my parents and all and to some extent it's true. I've not been able to keep my friends since primary school. I've never really had true friends. He suggested that it was because of this brick wall, that I appear stronger, but at the same time am actually putting on a facade, and that people can see it, is the cause of me not being able to keep my friends. And with that he tore down my walls and pillars that I've built inside me. It's like I have a mini Zion in me and I watched it slowly crumble down. It hurt. Really. But I guess it's for the better?

You tend to get hurt by people whom you care most about. And yep recently I have been hurt or hurt myself for some of the people I care most about. But after tearing my walls, it's like I've stripped off my armour and walked right in front of an apporaching army, bearing my body to their spears, swords and arrows, should they wish to fire them at me. I'm scared. Scared shitless. But if I do not take the first step then I'll never grow right?

Also another fear seizes me. What if I'm left to do this on my own. What if the architect who ordered the demolision so as to rebuild something else leaves half way? Will I be able to complete a whole new city by myself? I'm scared to be alone. Scared to be left. Scared of being scared. But I guess I shall take things one step at a time.

I want to be positive. I want to stop being childish and I want to grow up. I feel that I have to grow up. Sometimes he says he's sorry he seems to be making me grow up. Sometimes I agree. But I never resent it. I find that I'm actually quite contented with the way things are now. And I have only one fear- that it will not last. But no point fearing what one cannot change or know or see. I'll cross that bridge when I reach it then.