Yeah, you can be nice. You can be the nice friend that you always are, prepared to catch a grenade for your friends; be the listening ear; be the person whose shoulder they always cry upon; be the one next to them at the bar while they drink their sorrows away. It's bad when you do all that for them and after they've recovered from whatever that is ailing their mental and emotional side, they leave. But it sucks too when they appear to still be around, yet when you need help from them, they make it ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Get what I mean?
They can come to you when they have problems, but when you go to them, you start off my speaking about your problems but after the third sentence, you are the one hearing them out and consoling them. They always manage to change everything into something that has to do with them. Now ain't that irritating?
And there you thought that being a friend for them will make make them be good friends in return.... guess that was the wrong mindset..
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
How to stop overthinking in a relationship
Sometimes we tend to "think too much" or overthink. Waiting by the phone, a minute turns into years as we think of what our lover is doing, who is he talking with, whether she is attracted to the new guy at the coffee place etc. All the negativity sets in and it builds in us and consumes us and we find ourselves breaking up. We do not know what happened. And then it happens again, and again and again....
Overthinking usually introduces negativity into the relationship; and as we know, no relationship thrives on negativity. So how do we stop that from happening?
1
Conciously stop yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts running wild; be it a chanting of the person's names or the image of your lover with another guy or girl, STOP. You can scream out the word or even slap yourself on the forehead but STOP. It would take a huge amount of effort but the first step is always the most critical. If you're stopping yourself for the first time, you might not even realise it when you are thinking too much because it might be so natural for you. Here are some indications for you when you start to think too much-
You start feeling sad and depressed. Thoughts wonder to stuff like "how long is this relationship going to last?" and "I think he/she is going to break up with me."
When you find yourself clinging on to your phone waiting for the person to text you while thinking "Why haven't they texted me yet.... it's been 2 minutes already!!!"
You see that your personal blog is full of negative thoughts and fears about the relationship.
2
Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have your other half given you cause to feel this way? Have they had a history of cheating or are they being different suddenly. Try to think from a third person's point of view, whether your thoughts are ranging from unfounded to psychotic. If the other party has given you no cause to feel this way then such anxiety and overthinking is really your problem and you've got to nip it in the bud. Stop yourself, as mentioned earlier and change.
3
Find a distraction. Yes when you are thinking too much about something, the best thing you can do is find something to distract you from your own thoughts. Try not to be alone or somewhere quiet. Get your boys and girls to head to town with you for a movie or some frisbee. Go to the gym and go crazy on the new workout program you found on the internet. Bake a cake for a potluck with your girls or start up your computer for some Warcraft with your buddies.
4
Talk to your partner about it. It would be nice for you to let your partner know. It would be especially helpful if they were the ones who have given you cause to feel this way. If you think they are cheating on you, ask them. Do it nicely of course, there is no need for you to blow your top at them only to realise that the person they were seen with was actually an aunt who just came to town for a holiday. Communication is key here.
Overthinking usually introduces negativity into the relationship; and as we know, no relationship thrives on negativity. So how do we stop that from happening?
1
Conciously stop yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts running wild; be it a chanting of the person's names or the image of your lover with another guy or girl, STOP. You can scream out the word or even slap yourself on the forehead but STOP. It would take a huge amount of effort but the first step is always the most critical. If you're stopping yourself for the first time, you might not even realise it when you are thinking too much because it might be so natural for you. Here are some indications for you when you start to think too much-
You start feeling sad and depressed. Thoughts wonder to stuff like "how long is this relationship going to last?" and "I think he/she is going to break up with me."
When you find yourself clinging on to your phone waiting for the person to text you while thinking "Why haven't they texted me yet.... it's been 2 minutes already!!!"
You see that your personal blog is full of negative thoughts and fears about the relationship.
2
Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have your other half given you cause to feel this way? Have they had a history of cheating or are they being different suddenly. Try to think from a third person's point of view, whether your thoughts are ranging from unfounded to psychotic. If the other party has given you no cause to feel this way then such anxiety and overthinking is really your problem and you've got to nip it in the bud. Stop yourself, as mentioned earlier and change.
3
Find a distraction. Yes when you are thinking too much about something, the best thing you can do is find something to distract you from your own thoughts. Try not to be alone or somewhere quiet. Get your boys and girls to head to town with you for a movie or some frisbee. Go to the gym and go crazy on the new workout program you found on the internet. Bake a cake for a potluck with your girls or start up your computer for some Warcraft with your buddies.
4
Talk to your partner about it. It would be nice for you to let your partner know. It would be especially helpful if they were the ones who have given you cause to feel this way. If you think they are cheating on you, ask them. Do it nicely of course, there is no need for you to blow your top at them only to realise that the person they were seen with was actually an aunt who just came to town for a holiday. Communication is key here.
Overthinking
You'd have thought that certain people would have already learned to relax with the things in their lives. They've been through enough overthinking-times to know that thinking too much usually blows a lot of things up even when there wasn't anything wrong in the first place. When a person overthinks, they go into so many details and possibilities, they could have lived an entire lifetime just by sitting there and overthinking about their life for 5 mins.
Relationship-wise, when someone thinks too much, the same thing happens. A girl could be sitting by the phone overthinking, waiting for the guy to call, and one minute would seem like one year because of all the thoughts and negative images that go through her mind. She gets anxious the more she waits and she will thus imply stress on the guy.
You'd think that after suffering so much she'd have stopped overthinking.... but no, old habits die hard. What she should try to do is when she overthinks, or is starting, stop herself immediately and acknowledge that she is overthinking. Learn to let go. Learn to stop thinking. And as time goes by it will be so natural that you don't even think. She may start to feel that maybe you don't really love the person because you're so used to thinking about the person you love. But this is one way of protecting and loving you. And the first step to loving someone else is loving yourself so we ARE on the right track.
People change. It might feel weird and different when you change yourself, but we need to ensure our own survival. When there is draught, animals migrate; they don't stay at the place they are most farmiliar with.
Relationship-wise, when someone thinks too much, the same thing happens. A girl could be sitting by the phone overthinking, waiting for the guy to call, and one minute would seem like one year because of all the thoughts and negative images that go through her mind. She gets anxious the more she waits and she will thus imply stress on the guy.
You'd think that after suffering so much she'd have stopped overthinking.... but no, old habits die hard. What she should try to do is when she overthinks, or is starting, stop herself immediately and acknowledge that she is overthinking. Learn to let go. Learn to stop thinking. And as time goes by it will be so natural that you don't even think. She may start to feel that maybe you don't really love the person because you're so used to thinking about the person you love. But this is one way of protecting and loving you. And the first step to loving someone else is loving yourself so we ARE on the right track.
People change. It might feel weird and different when you change yourself, but we need to ensure our own survival. When there is draught, animals migrate; they don't stay at the place they are most farmiliar with.
Monday, 4 July 2011
When friends tell you "he" is a "good guy"
You've been through it before- you fall for some guy and your mutual friends reassure you that he is a "good guy" and a "nice guy". You trust what the majority, or what these people say, because they know the dude better than you. You drop your guard and you fall in love... only to find that all is not as rosy as you had expected it to be. The guy breaks your heart and cheats your feelings and you end up broken-hearted and disheartened.
And then it's like de ja vu all over again. You know a guy and your mutual friends are as encouraging as the good ol' Chinese parents were when their sons wanted to go to the capital to take the examinations to become scholars. However, would you go down that same path again? It is true that these two guys are different, but how different are things going to be? You have a choice, how do you choose?
For one, we shouldn't rush into anything. These things often get blown out of proportion because we girls rush into relationships too easily, we give our hearts too early, without sourcing for the valuable information that will protect us from harm but which will take some time to uncover. Take it slow and easy, try to enjoy the journey of getting-to-know-you rather than the whirlwind emotional roller coaster that will lead you back to square one, at the controllers.
Don't get your hopes up either. When you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. That being said, you shouldn't be like a pessimistic weeping willow and be negative about everything. It's stupid to go, "oh he's asking me out but he's gonna quit at the last minute and leave me straded at the movies so I'd better not go." Just don't bank all your hopes on this guy and take the good things that come just as an added bonus, not an expectatin.
Also, see what is being shown, not what you want to see. If he is being a jerk, don't try to cook up excuses for him thinking, "oh but they all told me he is a nice guy, so he must be having some problems that's why he's acting like that." No, if he's acting like a jerk, he probably is one.
Keep your eyes and ears open, because once you give the keys to your heart away, you ain't able to get a locksmith should you be locked out of your own heart. You'll have to make a new heart and unless you're so used to it, it can be really difficult and painful.
And then it's like de ja vu all over again. You know a guy and your mutual friends are as encouraging as the good ol' Chinese parents were when their sons wanted to go to the capital to take the examinations to become scholars. However, would you go down that same path again? It is true that these two guys are different, but how different are things going to be? You have a choice, how do you choose?
For one, we shouldn't rush into anything. These things often get blown out of proportion because we girls rush into relationships too easily, we give our hearts too early, without sourcing for the valuable information that will protect us from harm but which will take some time to uncover. Take it slow and easy, try to enjoy the journey of getting-to-know-you rather than the whirlwind emotional roller coaster that will lead you back to square one, at the controllers.
Don't get your hopes up either. When you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. That being said, you shouldn't be like a pessimistic weeping willow and be negative about everything. It's stupid to go, "oh he's asking me out but he's gonna quit at the last minute and leave me straded at the movies so I'd better not go." Just don't bank all your hopes on this guy and take the good things that come just as an added bonus, not an expectatin.
Also, see what is being shown, not what you want to see. If he is being a jerk, don't try to cook up excuses for him thinking, "oh but they all told me he is a nice guy, so he must be having some problems that's why he's acting like that." No, if he's acting like a jerk, he probably is one.
Keep your eyes and ears open, because once you give the keys to your heart away, you ain't able to get a locksmith should you be locked out of your own heart. You'll have to make a new heart and unless you're so used to it, it can be really difficult and painful.
Sunday, 26 June 2011
People in your life
I believe that everything happens for a reason. And the people in your life, well, you meet them for certain reasons too. Of course I am not talking about the superficial reasons like getting to know the hot girl in the library or getting the number of a banker who could help you in your investments. I am talking about a deeper issue. The term "life lesson" comes to mind; and life is basically a journey in which one goes through learning whatever they have or are supposed to learn.
People appear in your life to put you through certain events and happenings so that you learn from them. These occurences may be pleasant and they may be downright dreadful. But they happen. Instead of thinking that fate has dealt you a cruel hand, ask yourself first, why did it happen. Your answer should be, for you to learn something out of the event.
The next question would then be: so, what have I learned? There is no point being bitter about anything. You could have gone through a horrible break up, you could have flunked your whole year, you could have been kicked out of the school's basketball team, you could even have lost a limb. A weak person would hide away from reality and think that they should give up on their dreams, their goals, even their lives. A strong person would ask, what now? (There is the exception of people who think they have learned all they need to and are contented with the way things are and how they have settled it and are ready to move on into the afterlife because there is nothing left in life to live for anymore. They are a different matter.)
Linking the above paragraph to the topic, people come and go. They appear in your life for a reason. It might be to help you realize a point which you have never been able to see before, it might be to screw you up. It doesn't matter. They appeared, for a reason. Your job is to find out what the reason is. A boyfriend who cheated on you could make you realize that you trust people too easily and you have to start protecting yourself. A friend could help you realize that life is just a mere dream and when you think you've had enough, it's up to you whether you want to end it or not. A critical person could help you realize that criticising other people's choices doesn't do anyone any good at all and that by doing so you would be narrowing your views in life.
As mentioned, people come and go. It doesn't matter when people appear and it matters just as little when they leave; as long as you learned something with the time you spent with them. Then your life would not be lived in vain, interacting with people will not have been a total waste of time. Because if you have learned nothing, then you'll probably be doing far better dead than alive, for living without learning and experiencing is not living at all.
People appear in your life to put you through certain events and happenings so that you learn from them. These occurences may be pleasant and they may be downright dreadful. But they happen. Instead of thinking that fate has dealt you a cruel hand, ask yourself first, why did it happen. Your answer should be, for you to learn something out of the event.
The next question would then be: so, what have I learned? There is no point being bitter about anything. You could have gone through a horrible break up, you could have flunked your whole year, you could have been kicked out of the school's basketball team, you could even have lost a limb. A weak person would hide away from reality and think that they should give up on their dreams, their goals, even their lives. A strong person would ask, what now? (There is the exception of people who think they have learned all they need to and are contented with the way things are and how they have settled it and are ready to move on into the afterlife because there is nothing left in life to live for anymore. They are a different matter.)
Linking the above paragraph to the topic, people come and go. They appear in your life for a reason. It might be to help you realize a point which you have never been able to see before, it might be to screw you up. It doesn't matter. They appeared, for a reason. Your job is to find out what the reason is. A boyfriend who cheated on you could make you realize that you trust people too easily and you have to start protecting yourself. A friend could help you realize that life is just a mere dream and when you think you've had enough, it's up to you whether you want to end it or not. A critical person could help you realize that criticising other people's choices doesn't do anyone any good at all and that by doing so you would be narrowing your views in life.
As mentioned, people come and go. It doesn't matter when people appear and it matters just as little when they leave; as long as you learned something with the time you spent with them. Then your life would not be lived in vain, interacting with people will not have been a total waste of time. Because if you have learned nothing, then you'll probably be doing far better dead than alive, for living without learning and experiencing is not living at all.
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Why status destroys a relationship
Many girls and guys make such a big fuss over being in a reltaionship. They change their Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blog etc etc to show that they are in a relationship with whoever they are with at the moment. They splash pictures all over walls and photo albums to declare that they are in a relationship. But what is this "relationship"? It's nothing more than a verbal agreement to be exclusive.
With no contract signed and no recording of the contract, this is hardly a contract worth mentioning. The thing about this "contract" is that it comes with certain rules and expectations that are not usually clearly stated down and are prone to different inferences. It is just like when you are signing the contract after passing a job interview to be an office administrator. They do not tell you point blank WHAT you are supposed to do, but you can hardly say that it is not in your job scope when people pass you documents to print, copy and send; you are EXPECTED to do so.
Same with a relationship. When you are together with someone, there are certain rules like not sleeping with other people, no more multiple dating, saving a certain day a week for that special someone... the list goes on. Then there are those rules that are a bit stricter which people will enter into their expectations like seeing the other party everyday, texting the person "goodnight" and "good morning", no one on one outings with anyone of the opposite sex... it depends on how far you want to take it and how crazy you can get, really.
But why sign this contract in the first place? Why can't two people be in love, but not be outrightly boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever combination)? The contract heaps on so much expectations and rules to follow that it might very well kill the romance that the relationship should be centred around. From it being a bonus and joy to see the other party when they are free, it becomes a chore to WAIT for the other party to be free to go out with you. From it being sweet when the other party randomly texts you a night goodnight message, it becomes agony when the boy/girlfriend forgets to do so. Things that were once bonuses that bring a smile to your face becomes triggers for fights when they are not given.
Is this really worth it? Why ruin love for the status and ability to tell the world that you sort of "own" the other party?
With no contract signed and no recording of the contract, this is hardly a contract worth mentioning. The thing about this "contract" is that it comes with certain rules and expectations that are not usually clearly stated down and are prone to different inferences. It is just like when you are signing the contract after passing a job interview to be an office administrator. They do not tell you point blank WHAT you are supposed to do, but you can hardly say that it is not in your job scope when people pass you documents to print, copy and send; you are EXPECTED to do so.
Same with a relationship. When you are together with someone, there are certain rules like not sleeping with other people, no more multiple dating, saving a certain day a week for that special someone... the list goes on. Then there are those rules that are a bit stricter which people will enter into their expectations like seeing the other party everyday, texting the person "goodnight" and "good morning", no one on one outings with anyone of the opposite sex... it depends on how far you want to take it and how crazy you can get, really.
But why sign this contract in the first place? Why can't two people be in love, but not be outrightly boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever combination)? The contract heaps on so much expectations and rules to follow that it might very well kill the romance that the relationship should be centred around. From it being a bonus and joy to see the other party when they are free, it becomes a chore to WAIT for the other party to be free to go out with you. From it being sweet when the other party randomly texts you a night goodnight message, it becomes agony when the boy/girlfriend forgets to do so. Things that were once bonuses that bring a smile to your face becomes triggers for fights when they are not given.
Is this really worth it? Why ruin love for the status and ability to tell the world that you sort of "own" the other party?
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
How to help a Proud person
This was my first article on WikiHow. It garnered me a lot of views and it started my wanting to help more people. Enjoy.
Many of us have people in our lives who need help one way or another. They could be our friends, our colleagues, our spouses, our relatives, our brothers and sisters and even our parents. And, of course, if these people do matter in our lives, we want to try our best to help them. But how do we help them when they are too proud to ask or accept our help?
edit Steps
1
Wait for this person to approach you. However, clearly this may not even happen if the person is too proud. Yet, this should be your first step in helping them, namely just being patient and available if needed. A proud person usually will not ask for help, but if you do approach them first, your good intentions might offend them as they would see your approaching them as a sign that they have shown you their weakness. This will lead to them not even bothering to listen to you and you might even cause them to become angry with you. It will become much harder to be of help to them after that because they will be "wary" of you and possibly even try to stay away from you when they next have a problem. Your relationship might even become strained.
For your own sake, learn How to deal with a proud person on terms that don't belittle you. Helping such a person is one thing but turning into bait for their cynicism, arrogance, and superiority is quite another.
2
Consider finding someone they respect to broach the topic with them. Usually, a proud person thinks highly of themselves; and not too highly of anyone else. However, most people have at least one person around them that they look up to, such as a mentor, an educator, a boss, or a charismatic family member. And usually this person will be the only person whose criticism and views your proud friend will accept. Find this person and get him/her to go up to the proud person and talk about their unwillingness to accept help from others and how this is potentially causing them harm. If he or she is able to advise your friend that would be great, if not they can always influence your proud friend to seek help from you or someone else who can help.
3
Give them advice but also try your best to make your "advice" seem like it is something they have thought of themselves. By now you may have gotten your proud friend to come to talk to you. That's a great step. Now is the time for giving your proud friend some advice. But how do you give advice to someone who thinks too highly of him/herself and who is not open to what you have to say? You give the advice in a way whereby it sounds like they had formulated the solution by themselves:
Use words like "Don't you think..." , "You told me before..." , "You seem to know...", "I remember that you once said/did..."
Try to make it seem like they had the answers in them all along and you're just trying to help them to remember that they already have all the solutions to their lives. Sure, this means you need to be humble but you wouldn't be trying if you didn't care enough.
4
Consider the following scenario of talking to a proud person (PP) who is going through a difficult time after a breakup with her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of the script of things to say:
(YOU): I remember that when I broke up with John you were the one who told me to be strong.
(PP): So are you telling me now that I am weak?!
(YOU): Definitely not, you're one of the strongest people I know and you were the one who helped me out so much when I was down.
(PP): Well I am not down.
(YOU): Yeah I know, you're definitely too strong. Don't you think he's not worth it though? I know you look pretty even when you cry but crying will definitely cause puffy eyes.
(PP): Well, yeah I know but don't think I can help it.
(YOU): You seem to always know what to do so come on cheer up; let's go for a movie!
5
If they need money and are too proud to accept help, offer them work that they're good at. "Oh man, I can't keep up with everything. I have to do this and I have to do that and go here and the other thing and (lawn care, baby sitting, pet sitting/feeding, dog walking, house cleaning, sorting stuff in an attic, organizing papers for tax time, fixing an old computer or home repairs, any one off odd job or recurring odd job)." Then throw the clincher. "I could hire someone for it but I don't think I'd trust someone who wasn't a friend to be around my house, pets, kids. I'll pay you what I would a professional but it would ease my mind to know it's you. They know you. You know what I want." No mention of their being unemployed, just how much you need help and trust them. Do NOT underpay the proud person when offering work, pay what you would to get a stranger from an agency to do it. You're getting better quality work and you're not risking a stranger into your home. Someone that proud is probably perfectionist and will over perform once accepting the job.
6
Finesse your approach and strategies as you proceed. Sometimes the proud person may feel resentful that you've helped them and other times they may realize that without you, they could not have managed. You might just need to accept their rollercoaster of emotions about accepting your help and simply not take it personally, ever. What is important is:
Keep your own sense of self intact; you are available for this person when it doesn't come at a great cost to yourself, in just the same way as with all your friends, family members, and other people you care about.
Notice when they are barricading themselves from your help at the expense of others in their lives, such as children or teens that they're responsible for. You can always offer to babysit or clean, or anything else – doing so might give this person the break they need to get other things done, while those they're responsible for get a break from their stubbornness.
Don't take to heart their resentment or their ever-changing, ambiguous responsiveness. Pride is a curious thing that causes people to think that they can do it all, only to trap them into doing it all, and then causing them to believe that others want them to do it all. Some of what the proud person expresses is often frustration and resentment at themselves for getting into this bind in the first place!
7
Let the proud person help you. Two proud people make for a very uncomfortable relationship. Don't be too proud to let this person help you. Indeed, the moment they do, you owe them and can swiftly remind them of the debt being repaid when you offer them help back! Choose something that comes easy to them and ask for help unselfconsciously, offer it as a bargain. "Hey, I'm lost when it comes to sorting out my taxes. You're so incredibly good with numbers and that sort of thing - I would be so grateful I'd fix your dinners for a week." (If the proud person is fighting physical disability this is a very gracious way to get them to accept that they really should not be standing at the stove cooking. And besides, they may be good at a lot of sit down things!)
8
Do things totally unrelated to helping. Chill and have fun together. It's not all about serious things; even amid the hard times when help is needed, find space for having fun together. It'll ease the tension, lighten things up, and cause the proud person to see that you really do care about them as a whole person and not just being a busybody when they're in obvious need.
9
Pray for them. Enlisting a higher force first as your accomplice can be an invaluable asset. You'll be guided when to approach and how, and the other person may directly receive an insight into his or her predicament, which they could have never seen on their own. You'll be surprised when you begin to see helping others as an opportunity to grow yourself and see for what purpose this situation has come up in your life!
Tips
Try to stroke their ego as you give advice. Being humble yourself and finding compliments for them will go a long way to breaking down their pride barrier.
Listen to them. Sometimes pride results from feeling that others don't take the time to listen, so the proud person shuts everyone out because they feel unheard. Give them the space to open up by actively listening.
Warnings
If you anger them, you might lose the friendship/relationship. If you're not confident that they will take it the right way, it's best that you leave them to deal with things on their own.
If their inability to cope is impacting people in their care, be prepared to be more forthright in your determination to help. It isn't appropriate for dependents to be harmed as a result of someone else's pride.
Often pride is a side effect of an actually very insecure persons. A lot of the seeming overconfidence is actually the person convincing ones self that they are 'great'. Which also is why many 'Proud People' are poor listeners because it is hard to hear very much else aside from the sound of their own selves convincing themselves of their superior existence.
Many of us have people in our lives who need help one way or another. They could be our friends, our colleagues, our spouses, our relatives, our brothers and sisters and even our parents. And, of course, if these people do matter in our lives, we want to try our best to help them. But how do we help them when they are too proud to ask or accept our help?
edit Steps
1
Wait for this person to approach you. However, clearly this may not even happen if the person is too proud. Yet, this should be your first step in helping them, namely just being patient and available if needed. A proud person usually will not ask for help, but if you do approach them first, your good intentions might offend them as they would see your approaching them as a sign that they have shown you their weakness. This will lead to them not even bothering to listen to you and you might even cause them to become angry with you. It will become much harder to be of help to them after that because they will be "wary" of you and possibly even try to stay away from you when they next have a problem. Your relationship might even become strained.
For your own sake, learn How to deal with a proud person on terms that don't belittle you. Helping such a person is one thing but turning into bait for their cynicism, arrogance, and superiority is quite another.
2
Consider finding someone they respect to broach the topic with them. Usually, a proud person thinks highly of themselves; and not too highly of anyone else. However, most people have at least one person around them that they look up to, such as a mentor, an educator, a boss, or a charismatic family member. And usually this person will be the only person whose criticism and views your proud friend will accept. Find this person and get him/her to go up to the proud person and talk about their unwillingness to accept help from others and how this is potentially causing them harm. If he or she is able to advise your friend that would be great, if not they can always influence your proud friend to seek help from you or someone else who can help.
3
Give them advice but also try your best to make your "advice" seem like it is something they have thought of themselves. By now you may have gotten your proud friend to come to talk to you. That's a great step. Now is the time for giving your proud friend some advice. But how do you give advice to someone who thinks too highly of him/herself and who is not open to what you have to say? You give the advice in a way whereby it sounds like they had formulated the solution by themselves:
Use words like "Don't you think..." , "You told me before..." , "You seem to know...", "I remember that you once said/did..."
Try to make it seem like they had the answers in them all along and you're just trying to help them to remember that they already have all the solutions to their lives. Sure, this means you need to be humble but you wouldn't be trying if you didn't care enough.
4
Consider the following scenario of talking to a proud person (PP) who is going through a difficult time after a breakup with her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of the script of things to say:
(YOU): I remember that when I broke up with John you were the one who told me to be strong.
(PP): So are you telling me now that I am weak?!
(YOU): Definitely not, you're one of the strongest people I know and you were the one who helped me out so much when I was down.
(PP): Well I am not down.
(YOU): Yeah I know, you're definitely too strong. Don't you think he's not worth it though? I know you look pretty even when you cry but crying will definitely cause puffy eyes.
(PP): Well, yeah I know but don't think I can help it.
(YOU): You seem to always know what to do so come on cheer up; let's go for a movie!
5
If they need money and are too proud to accept help, offer them work that they're good at. "Oh man, I can't keep up with everything. I have to do this and I have to do that and go here and the other thing and (lawn care, baby sitting, pet sitting/feeding, dog walking, house cleaning, sorting stuff in an attic, organizing papers for tax time, fixing an old computer or home repairs, any one off odd job or recurring odd job)." Then throw the clincher. "I could hire someone for it but I don't think I'd trust someone who wasn't a friend to be around my house, pets, kids. I'll pay you what I would a professional but it would ease my mind to know it's you. They know you. You know what I want." No mention of their being unemployed, just how much you need help and trust them. Do NOT underpay the proud person when offering work, pay what you would to get a stranger from an agency to do it. You're getting better quality work and you're not risking a stranger into your home. Someone that proud is probably perfectionist and will over perform once accepting the job.
6
Finesse your approach and strategies as you proceed. Sometimes the proud person may feel resentful that you've helped them and other times they may realize that without you, they could not have managed. You might just need to accept their rollercoaster of emotions about accepting your help and simply not take it personally, ever. What is important is:
Keep your own sense of self intact; you are available for this person when it doesn't come at a great cost to yourself, in just the same way as with all your friends, family members, and other people you care about.
Notice when they are barricading themselves from your help at the expense of others in their lives, such as children or teens that they're responsible for. You can always offer to babysit or clean, or anything else – doing so might give this person the break they need to get other things done, while those they're responsible for get a break from their stubbornness.
Don't take to heart their resentment or their ever-changing, ambiguous responsiveness. Pride is a curious thing that causes people to think that they can do it all, only to trap them into doing it all, and then causing them to believe that others want them to do it all. Some of what the proud person expresses is often frustration and resentment at themselves for getting into this bind in the first place!
7
Let the proud person help you. Two proud people make for a very uncomfortable relationship. Don't be too proud to let this person help you. Indeed, the moment they do, you owe them and can swiftly remind them of the debt being repaid when you offer them help back! Choose something that comes easy to them and ask for help unselfconsciously, offer it as a bargain. "Hey, I'm lost when it comes to sorting out my taxes. You're so incredibly good with numbers and that sort of thing - I would be so grateful I'd fix your dinners for a week." (If the proud person is fighting physical disability this is a very gracious way to get them to accept that they really should not be standing at the stove cooking. And besides, they may be good at a lot of sit down things!)
8
Do things totally unrelated to helping. Chill and have fun together. It's not all about serious things; even amid the hard times when help is needed, find space for having fun together. It'll ease the tension, lighten things up, and cause the proud person to see that you really do care about them as a whole person and not just being a busybody when they're in obvious need.
9
Pray for them. Enlisting a higher force first as your accomplice can be an invaluable asset. You'll be guided when to approach and how, and the other person may directly receive an insight into his or her predicament, which they could have never seen on their own. You'll be surprised when you begin to see helping others as an opportunity to grow yourself and see for what purpose this situation has come up in your life!
Tips
Try to stroke their ego as you give advice. Being humble yourself and finding compliments for them will go a long way to breaking down their pride barrier.
Listen to them. Sometimes pride results from feeling that others don't take the time to listen, so the proud person shuts everyone out because they feel unheard. Give them the space to open up by actively listening.
Warnings
If you anger them, you might lose the friendship/relationship. If you're not confident that they will take it the right way, it's best that you leave them to deal with things on their own.
If their inability to cope is impacting people in their care, be prepared to be more forthright in your determination to help. It isn't appropriate for dependents to be harmed as a result of someone else's pride.
Often pride is a side effect of an actually very insecure persons. A lot of the seeming overconfidence is actually the person convincing ones self that they are 'great'. Which also is why many 'Proud People' are poor listeners because it is hard to hear very much else aside from the sound of their own selves convincing themselves of their superior existence.
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