Guilt

This totally sucks. Now I'm hearing that I threw myself at someone. So it's all my fault in a sense. I see I see. Well what can I do about it? Get myself to a nunnery? Maybe. Drown myself? Nah too painful. Cut myself.... hmmm seems rather appealing. So all of it was my fault. Wow I so can't rid myself of the guilt. Feel like the Savage in Brave New World. No Soma to take me away from the bad feelings I have. What can I do? Go into seclusion. The torturers should not use electric shock treatment, they should make the prisoners of war go through guilt and not allow them to die. That would be the worst torture ever. What am I to do? Feel horrible. Alcohol... kills morality on the surface but when knocked out, morality surfaces and you feel horrible and you become a wreck screaming and thrashing and saying sorry. Am I considered promiscuous? If I am why did I feel so bad when I was drunk and why was I screaming and crying and feeling guilty? Yet if I'm not would I have 'thrown myself' on the guy, dancing with him and in this sense allowing him entry? WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM MEL!?

Can't blame the men. Men can't control. It's the girls who should be in control and death to those who lose control due to alcohol. You deserve everything coming to you! It's YOUR FUCKING FAULT. Hate it when girls put all the blame on the guy. What to do it's their nature ain't it. Keep saying it doesn't matter. It's like half my brain is saying it doesn't matter. That no one has to know. But the other half feels GUILTY TO THE MAX and she can't shake it off. She's thinking of taking some desperate measures hahaaa. How can Mel be so weak? Was she always like this? Why can't you be stronger Mel? Just let go. But you just can't eh. Maybe I should stay away from everyone for a while. Keep myself away. Feel like a goddamn bitch. Shit. I hate myself. It's a small thing but I hate myself. Am I moral crazy? If so why did I do SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

My heart is hurting. I'm sure I didn't encourage the later part of what he did. I couldn't have I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T I DIDN'T I DIDN'T! Can't stop crying shit. I didn't... I cannot think or belief I did. And I know and I seriously KNOW I didn't! I remember that part clearly. I DID NOT. I MOVED AWAY but I could NOT move away! I think I was held back. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG