I think everyone day dreams. Sometimes our minds wander you know. For me, I'll day dream about the people closer to me; and the thing is these day dreams actually echo my fears. They come in at all sides, intertwine themselves with the things that I do in my everyday life. Most of them actually consists of me being left alone again.
Why do I say I fear nothing but the past? Because in my mind the nightmares of the day dreams concern the past. Not my past though... I fear that one day, she will come back to retrieve what she lost. And I fear the person whom she lost, as he said still has part of his heart with her, will want to claim that part back too to make the heart whole again.
This heart is, as been told to me, not whole. Part of it is left with someone else. This was said to make me feel better as I had originally thought I was sharing a space in that heart with someone else.
For me, maybe I too leave parts of my heart behind. But for these holes, I seal them up and the person who took away that part and is no longer there usually becomes dead to me. Recently He told me to take away these walls and yes I did. I feel so vulnerable now. Is that how he feels all the time since he doesn't fill up that hole? But still, I do not feel much for the people who took away those parts from me... there were two; and neither of them is alive anywhere in my heart. Hell, I'd not even want that piece of heart back!! lol
What I told Him was the heart should be able to regenerate and so I'll give him time. But still I'm afraid. Very afraid. In my day-mares I see deceit and reunions. I know I should never think this way, but I can't help it. And everytime I feel a twang in my heart.
Love hurts I guess. But I'd gladly accept this hurt. I wouldn't want to change anything now. I just pray to God that this will stay. 18 years without this feeling, without Him. Yes I did survive. But this is like introducing a person who has been locked up in a cell to the lush greenery of the forest, the beautiful blue sky, the many magnificent buildings and people. That person will dread going back to the cell now won't he?
Things are supposed to go one step at a time. There is supposed to be no planning and therefore no stress about the future. This is a good hypothesis. But why do I not feel that it's working? A lot of friends around me ask me to think about the future and they are shocked to hear me say that I've not thought about it. Why? Because if only one of the pair thinks about the future, it will actually force away the other as the other is not thinking along the same lines. I've all along been the one to take steps back. Guess I'm used to it. Or maybe I change for the person I love?
Apparently I am not supposed to be a girlfriend 24/7. Apparently I know when to take a back seat. Haha... I guess this logic is kinda.... so you mean to say when I take the back seat my position is no longer that of a girlfriend? Haha sometimes these things make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time. but since a few days back, I decide to choose the choice of laughing. I want to be happy. I want this to work out and be a happy thing. And for that I have to start first. =)
LOL ok I'm totally ranting but yup that's what a blog is for eh haha... =)
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