No Boundaries

seconds, hours, so many days
you know what you want but how long can you wait
every moment lasts forever
when you feel you've lost your way

and what if my chances were already gone
i started beleiving that i could be wrong
but you gave me one good reason
to fight and never walk away
so here i am still holding on

with every step you climb another mountain
every breath its harder to beleive
you'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
to get to that one place
when you think the road is going no where
just when you almost gave up on your dreams
they take you by the hand
and show you that you can
there are no boundaries
there are no boundaries

i fought to the limit to stand on the edge
what if today is as good as it gets
dont know where the futures heading
but nothings gonna bring me down

jummped every bridge
run every line
i risk being safe
i always knew why, i always knew why
so here i am still holding on

with every step you climb another mountain
every breath its harder to beleive
you'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
to get to that one place
when you think the road is going no where
just when you almost gave up on your dreams
they take you by the hand
and show you that you can

you can go higher
you can go deeper
there are no boundaries
above and beneath you
break every rule 'cause theres nothing between you and your dreams

with every step you climb another mountain
every breath its harder to beleive
you'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
to get to that one place
when you think the road is going no where
just when you almost gave up on your dreams
they take you by the hand
and show you that you can

there are no boundaries
there are no boundaries
there are no boundaries
no boundaries
yeah, there are no boundaries


~My feel good song~ =))

29/6/09 <3

Wow hahahaha I didn't realize I would do such a thing haha. But one of the most memorable thing of the night was Aaron Baby saying typing on my phone something like : I am true now. Alright I know in this context it sounds weird but it meant a lot to me. And the thing is I really believed him. I really do. I feel so safe and loved. Haha... naive? Maybe. But heck I don't care because it's what I feel that counts. =))

Understand what it means to have a heartache....

Man it really hurts. It's not just a saying, your heart really will hurt. Just now for a millisecond my heart clenched so tightly I thought I was going to have a heart attack I am not bluffing. But hey I guess I am currently on the high side of my wave so I feel strong and loved now and the feeling just goes away after I tell myself that there is nothing to worry. In fact I don't feel hurt anymore. I feel very safe.I guess this is what love can do to you =)) When you love someone, you fear to lose the person but at the same time you know that you can trust the person. I trust him more than anyone now. Maybe some people will tell me it's stupid and that I'll hurt more if he betrays me but hey, It's my life. It's now or never. But I ain't gonna live forever. I just wanna live (and love) while I'm alive. =))

Dinner with the Gals 26/6/09

Haha this may be one of the last dinners I have with this bunch of great friends! Si Ting is going off this tuesday and Vic is going off soon too T.T Oh wells.... I LOVE THESE GIRLS LA!! sobs~ anyways we went to a nice pizzeria that Jo introduced to us. Took a bus from Dhoby to Boat Quay hahaha.... really had nice nicee food there and the price was... ok la since I just got commission. hahaha after that we went photo-ballistic hahahhahah here are some of the crazy shots we took:

Quotes =))

~ The Past can't see you, but the Future is listening ~

~ Love isn't a big thing, it's a million small things ~

~ Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal ~

~ Nothing is more difficult and thus more precious than making a decision ~

Pasir Ris Park!!! (6th Month Anniversary)

Hahahahaa yesterday darl and I went to Pasir Ris Park!!! hahaha I haven't ridden a bike in I think close to or more than 7 years? hahahahaha it was so fun hahaa.. too bad I had feet cramp half way but it was fine all in all. They have Ponies!!!! at PRP!!! hahahahaa sooooo cute la!!! and AJ had to point out that the smallest of the breeds do have huge dicks wahahaha.. anyways, we cycled illegally into the mangrove areas, saw crabs etc. Then we went to the Giant spiderweb where we met 3 siblings (kids) lol hyper people mann hahaa one moment ask us how we met next ask us when we get married hahaaa AJ had to tell them we were bro and sis hahahaa ah wells so funny!! Then we went to bedok to makan at a hawkar centre and the dumplings there were really good. So was the stingray and the carrot cake hahaha... after that, AJ needed to go and we had to go into this chinese restaurant to use the loo which was embarrassing but so funny hahaa..

Well, so we didn't have any place to go after that and after thinking etc etc we settled on far east. haha Mann I'm starting to go for spag stripes now this is weird last time I wouldn't be caught dead with sleeveless la hahaha so I got like 5 spag tops at Far East hahaha crazy I know but it was only 40 bucks there abouts. Hhahahaa

All in all it was really really fun hahahaa something different for our 6th Month anniversary <3 hope it spells for better times to come =))

~I love you and I never want to let you go ~

Another Nightmare...

I had another nightmare. Woah… now I know dreams are really from what you think about in the day- consciously or subconsciously. Man it was so sad and so real. The only comfort I have is that usually if you don’t remember the dream much it means that the dream won’t come true. I really hope this is the case. I didn’t know I was that bothered about it yesterday… but I guess I was in the back of my mind? It’s alright, for this I willingly banish it to the dark abyss in the furthest back part of my mind where hopefully the emptiness will soon consume it and it will be no more. Or I can wait till the good thoughts in the conscious mind are strong enough, then I can send an army of them out to vanquish the dark thoughts wahahahaas

I Stay In Love- Mariah Carey

Oh baby
Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

If you dont' know me at this point
Then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me
That unconditional love I used to feel
It's no mistaking
We're just erasing
From our hearts and minds

And I know we said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gon' act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now

Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone
Now boy I know

We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you
Now no matter what I do
Baby, baby
I stay in love with you

We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
Cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you
Now no matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

I stay in love
Love
Oh, I stay in love. 

Computer screw-up he said

Hhahahaa trust Cal to come up with that. But don't you think it's a little too..... I don't know.... too coincidental? Wham, Bam and now triple whammy. hahahhahaha but oh wells. Things will explain themselves. They always do eh? haha.... ooooh boy. Breathe Mel, breathe! And do what Cal told you to do: stop thinking. And do what you always tell yourself to do: Don't sweat stuff you cannot change; don't go thinking about stuff that will not benefit you even if you thought about them for a million years. =)) Sometimes people ask me, Are you sure? And I answer, no, how can anyone be sure about these type of stuff. Some ask me, are you ok? And I say, I may not be now, but I will be soon. It's all a matter of perception. No one can hurt you if you do not allow them to. The only person you should really fear will hurt you is yourself. All the negative thoughts are making me sick. If one is obsessed about negativity, their lives will become negative. If your life is negative but you stick to positive thinking, well then you won't be affected by the negativity now would you? Haha.... Self-psycho-ing helps a whole lot.. Thanks Mel. =))

It's back

It's back,
Bigger than before.
Or is it? Maybe it isn't and
Maybe I just feel it is so big
Because I'm scared of it
Was scared of it for a long long
Time.

Why
Should I be scared though?
It never did hurt me.
Neither can it do
So if I don't let it.
Gotta get myself
Up.

So
Many times I've thought
Of scenarios of cases
But it's coming real now,
Or is it? Is it
Really? No I say it is
Not.

Come
It will someday. But
Take it in stride and
I swear, this time
After tearing down my defenses
It will definitely
Hurt.

But no
I will not be taken down.
I will prevail. And
Should there be a need,
I will burn but rise up
Through the ashes
Yet again.

LOL Hilarious

LOL I've read through my blog for the last few days and I find it really funny you know? Hmmmmm must be the PMS! LOL Honest to God I don't feel THAT bad. It's weird I swear it's totally PMS. And you know what nothing happened actually so why did I feel so horrid... Hmmmmmmmmmmmm Mel de la Mel you're weird.... hahahhaaa

Wait a minute

Eh.... wait wait wait wait wait..... why am I feeling so horrible again?

It’s exactly it I did not instigate the part which I feeling most guilty about. So…. Why am I feeling so bad for this part which I was not responsible for. True… I let my guard down.. but… I couldn’t be held responsible for it now could I? Why kill yourself over the mistakes of others? Is it worth it? Is one single experience worth it? No. It is not. Mel please focus on what you can change- not what you cannot. You know you love AJ. You know that in your right frame of mind, you would have probably killed anyone who did that to you. You know it. Be it via a paddle or a sword. So Mel stop beating yourself up. Like I say, don’t worry about what you can change. Now you fear that he will stop loving you. But if he really did can you stop that?? No. You can’t. All you can do now is believe in him that he will be there for you. That he loves you as much as you do, him.

Not shirking responsibility here, just my sensible mind coming back into play after being pushed to a corner of the brain due to extreme guilt... guilt that is not exactly very well placed.

Guilt

This totally sucks. Now I'm hearing that I threw myself at someone. So it's all my fault in a sense. I see I see. Well what can I do about it? Get myself to a nunnery? Maybe. Drown myself? Nah too painful. Cut myself.... hmmm seems rather appealing. So all of it was my fault. Wow I so can't rid myself of the guilt. Feel like the Savage in Brave New World. No Soma to take me away from the bad feelings I have. What can I do? Go into seclusion. The torturers should not use electric shock treatment, they should make the prisoners of war go through guilt and not allow them to die. That would be the worst torture ever. What am I to do? Feel horrible. Alcohol... kills morality on the surface but when knocked out, morality surfaces and you feel horrible and you become a wreck screaming and thrashing and saying sorry. Am I considered promiscuous? If I am why did I feel so bad when I was drunk and why was I screaming and crying and feeling guilty? Yet if I'm not would I have 'thrown myself' on the guy, dancing with him and in this sense allowing him entry? WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM MEL!?

Can't blame the men. Men can't control. It's the girls who should be in control and death to those who lose control due to alcohol. You deserve everything coming to you! It's YOUR FUCKING FAULT. Hate it when girls put all the blame on the guy. What to do it's their nature ain't it. Keep saying it doesn't matter. It's like half my brain is saying it doesn't matter. That no one has to know. But the other half feels GUILTY TO THE MAX and she can't shake it off. She's thinking of taking some desperate measures hahaaa. How can Mel be so weak? Was she always like this? Why can't you be stronger Mel? Just let go. But you just can't eh. Maybe I should stay away from everyone for a while. Keep myself away. Feel like a goddamn bitch. Shit. I hate myself. It's a small thing but I hate myself. Am I moral crazy? If so why did I do SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

My heart is hurting. I'm sure I didn't encourage the later part of what he did. I couldn't have I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T I DIDN'T I DIDN'T! Can't stop crying shit. I didn't... I cannot think or belief I did. And I know and I seriously KNOW I didn't! I remember that part clearly. I DID NOT. I MOVED AWAY but I could NOT move away! I think I was held back. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Kim's Farewell Party

Hahahahaa... mann I'mma gonna miss Kim lor... we had a farewell party at her place on saturday night. Karaoke and bonding with the girls. So many of you are leaving!!! Hahaha

Night of sorta disaster

What can I say? Haha... just know never to pass my alcohol tolerance level again then hahahaha and also never mix AK 47, Flaming Lambo and apple shooters in the span of 2 hours- It'll kill... seriously haHA But yep the night left me with guilt and a 'shit I lost' typa feeling. Shan't air dirty linen in public but I'm very grateful to the following people- Qing, PJ, Wan, Trist, Greg, Mao, Karyn and last but not least, and I should also thank him for being there for me, carrying me outta the car etc and being the most understanding boyfriend ever, AJ <3. style="cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgumlulbNyqC2ViMxluJGABHXLIFku0rA3VSyZCV5W9uXz7wChjr63tHRhg-G6rlWLEHI-PWg6iShxLCxkrRRFsajHlVqASx8LI3aoMMj5S4-s0cm2JbsBHapG04m2fnPNQcMPkH5O/s200/P1000824.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5349982180659351858" border="0">
Cal told me not to beat myself up about it but I guess I'll continue beating myself up.... what else can I do? The aversion towards alcohol should also stay with me for about a month or two... Also, Zouk has totally lost it's appeal to me for now so yupp I'll be a good girl and stay home for now. =))

Can't really blame Sab though... hahaha everyone was out for some fun. Guess I'm just weird eh? Oh wells. No harm done. Only'harm' is that I couldn't lie to AJ to save my skin so will be at the mercy of how he wants to take it? Think he's taking it alright-ly but.. yupp hopefully what Cal was predicting won't come true =))

Anyways, we all learn from our mistakes but all we really need is for people to give us a second chance, especially if they are the people whom we love the most. =))

Stickwitu- Pussycat Dolls

I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

[Chorus:]
Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say

[Chorus]

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,
We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)

So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

[Chorus x2]


~Scared to be left alone~

Always seems like...

Sometimes we tend to feel that we aren't good enough. I feel it too. Maybe for my case it's true. Like people try hard to be nice. Try to give me everything I want. Try to be patient and all that. I can't help it is I don't sound cheery bubbly happy go lucky all the time. In a book, it mentioned that women have 'waves'. They reach their peak and are happy etc but they will come down. It is a cycle that no one can break. I guess I'm at down time now? I hope you understand. Then agai, how can anyone? I try not to say some stuff.. for the better of both sides... until the time is right. Sometimes I feel... maybe yup I'm really not good enough? Don Don Don.. you gave me good advice... but I can't follow it.... Maybe I'm scared people will become like you... they'll leave me alone and disappear without a trace. Then I'll worry and worry and worry. And then they'll come back and leave again and again...

Am I really that useless... that worthless? Do I really suck so much as a friend, as a relative, as a girlfriend? Why can't I make the people I love happy? Sometimes I feel I don't deserve these people. I write my thoughts down to relieve the burden they put on my heart. It's not that I don't want to tell you face to face.... why am I treating this blog like you? I want to talk to you, yet I'm scared I'll make you unhappy... I love you so much I don't want to lose you. I'm scared it'll be too late when I realize I've lost you. I'm putting aside my insecurities only to see new ones coming up. I used to be insecure about him. Now I trust him. But I think I'm going back to being insecure with myself. Why is it happening again? Why?

I've never felt so safe before; with you holding me yesterday. I really really felt safe. I felt like I don't want to lose this feeling. But it seems like the only person to make me lose this feeling is myself. God please stop me. I don't like to feel this way.

The last thing I need is for people to tell me that since I'm making you feel so bad I'll leave you.

Chicago
If you leave me now,
you'll take away the biggest part of me
No baby please don't go
If you leave me now,
you'll take away the very heart of me
No baby please don't go

A love like ours is love that's hard to find
How could we let it slip away
We've come too far to leave it all behind
How could we end it all this way
When tomorrow comes we'll both regret
Things we said today

Cause I need you more than you'll ever know

~ Sometimes I just want to smile. Gotta smile, because I want you to be happy too.~

Baby Boy - Beyonce feat. Sean Paul

=)))

(feat. Sean Paul)
Certified quality
A dat da girl dem need and dem not stop cry without apology
Buck dem da right way – dat my policy
Sean Paul alongside – now hear what da man say – Beyonce
Dutty ya, dutty ya, dutty ya
Beyonce sing it now ya

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Baby boy not a day goes by
Without my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Aah oh my baby's fly baby oh
Yes no hurt me so good baby oh
I'm so wrapped up in your love let me go
Let me breathe stay out my fantasies

Ya ready gimme da ting dat ya ready get ya live
And tell me all about da tings that you will fantasize
I know you dig da way me step da way me make my stride
Follow your feelings baby girl b/c they cannot be denied
Come check me in-a night and make we get it amplified
Me have da ting to run da ship cause I'm go slip and I'm go slide
And in the words of love I got ta get it certified
But I give you da toughest longest kinda ride – girl

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Baby boy not a day goes by
Without my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Picture us dancin real close
In a dark dark corner of a basement party
Every time I close my eyes
It's like everyone left but you and me

In our own little world
The music is the sun
The dance floor becomes the sea
Feels like true paradise to me

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Baby boy not a day goes by
Without my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Baby boy you are so damn fine
Baby boy won't you be mine
Baby let's conceive an angel

Top top – girl
Me and you together is a wrap – dat girl
Driving around da town in your drop top – girl
You no stop shock – girl
Little more da dutty, we'll rock dat world

Top top – girl
Me and you together is a wrap – dat girl
Driving around da town in your drop top – girl
You no stop shock – girl
Little more da dutty, we'll rock dat world

Baby boy you stay on my mind
Fulfill my fantasies
I think about you all the time
I see you in my dreams

We stepping in hotter this year,
We stepping in hotter this year,
I know you gon' like it,
I know you gon' like it.
I'm stepping in hotter this year,
I'm stepping in hotter this year,
So don't you fight it,
So don't you fight it,

[Repeat to end]

Tonight tonight tonight

Tonight... Quite looking forward to it.. and yet... I'm not that interested either. I don't know.... clubbing does not seem to have that much appeal to me anymore. Guess I'm growing up faster than I aught to? Haix.... what am I to do? Guess I'mma just going to enjoy? Hagha... will be going with Mao, PJ, Wan and maybe some other guys from Mao's side... Qing was asking me to take care of myself. Honestly, I don't think that'll be a problem. Mann I'd hate to see the guy who messes with me hahahhaa... I wore my black domanatrix heels for the sole purpose of stepping and squashing and trodding and stomping on losers at the club. Think we're going Zouk and I psycho-ed the guys to pay for us hahhahaha Hope it'll be fun!!!


~I miss you. Wanna hughug you =) ~

The Ring

Notice how in the poem, the sentences with the word 'Perfect' are never completed in one line but always runs on to the next. And ironically the lines with the word 'Imperfect' see the sentences that hold that word completed in a single line. The persona is also compared to or with time. Time is forever in motion and it will forever be there; further signifies how the experience of wearing this object will always be there in the consciousness of Time and thus the persona. Also notice how the object, in this case the ring, from just a novel object and thing, loses its novelty to become something that is one with the persona. Even when it is no longer worn for whatever reason, it still will always be 'there', still serving it's purpose, whatever it may be.


The Ring

It was round. Not so
Perfect, it was.
Neither was it too imperfect.
It was just right; like everything
That was novel,
Newborn, interesting.

Over time, Time wore
It, and wore it, till it became
No longer the round, not so
Perfect, yet not
Too imperfect;
Novel object.

It became a dis-
Torted, un-
Rounded shape that was part
Of time and the hand it
Wrapped around and scratched
From wear.

Though it no longer
Wraps and scratches,
It has melded into skin and
Will forever be a mark
Left there for-
Ever.

Island Creamery and Singapore Botanic Gardens

Hey!! So yup we had dinner and then went to Island Creamery haha. We had the Revers-O like two scoops of it with chocolate fudge on it!! haha Like CHOCOLATE OVERLOAD DUDE!!! Stuff was kinda quiet though... felt something was kinda wrong? I don't know... like distant.... Ah wells. Anyway, we proceeded to The Singapore Botanic Gardens for a night time stroll. We entred the play via the Cluny Road entrance. It was DARK la.. Like seriously. Haha.. with those little half height lamps every 2-3 metres it was really quite creepy yet compared to the hustle and bustle of a typical loud and messy Wednesday night in town, this was really something of a peace paradise. So we walked and walked and walked then we found a place to sit. Spare you guys the details. All in all it was a nice place to be. We then decided to leave arounf 10:30-ish and we kinda lost our way hahaa... Then AJ spotted this white couple and we asked them for directions hahaaha kinda not so nice to stop people who look like ghosts doing brisk walks but oh well hahaha so yep we did find our way and boy was it something like an adventure. These few dates (2 in fact), we've been doing stuff that are really kinda adventurous haha... REALLY and it was kinda.... fun! Haha... gets adrenaline pumping and all that. People can call it sneaky but hey, you only live once eh. So sneak around all you want!! LOL

How Will I Know -Whitney Houston

Nice nice nice song. Guess every girl will associated with this song at least once in a life time eh? =)

There's a boy I know, hes the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above
Ooh I lose control, cant seem to get enough
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love

Chorus:
How will I know (dont trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know (love can be deceiving)
How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
Im asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if hes thinking of me
I try to phone but Im too shy (cant speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak

Oh, wake me, Im shaking, wish I had you near me now
Said theres no mistaking, what I feel is really love

Chorus
How will I know (dont trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know (love can be deceiving)
How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
Im asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if hes thinking of me
I try to phone but Im too shy (cant speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak


If he loves me, if he loves me not (x3)

Chorus
How will I know (dont trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know (love can be deceiving)
How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
Im asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if hes thinking of me
I try to phone but Im too shy (cant speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak

Thoughts

Sometimes when I'm feeling something, I tell myself: ok you've gotta remember this , how you feel. Then you can write it down somewhere. But in the end, I forgot. Haha... all I know is i sensed difference. I guess. I'm not sure myself. Can't really remember. Except it didn't feel nice. Sometimes it's not good to think, think too much. Sometimes being totally oblivious may cause you to be happier? Haha... I have no idea what or why I'm rambling on I just feel like typing and typing and typing. People should have 'Typing Therapy' instead of 'Retail Therapy' eh? It doesn't cost much and it could help you get some jobs done too.

I watched a show last night. A Chinese one. And I remembered a phrase from it. It went sometihing like this- You're just trying to work and tire yourself out so much that you can't think. I guess it workds for some people? Hahaha

I als read in Mind Your Body today that a BGR can be affected by your sleep patterns. They warned against taking your disputes to bed. They also advised people to not pick up discussions that may get heated when either partner is not well rested. Haha like that needed research to prove LOL. But research showed that people who have had disputes with their partners will not get good sleep and with no good sleep more disputes arise and therein is a viscious cycle.

Ok, I think I've really lost it. LOL. Am writing about a HELL LOT of shit... Hmmmmm not sure why... maybe it's PMS or maybe I don't want my brain to stagnate? Hahahahaha. Maybe it's because I want to stop myself from thinking? Thinking.... about what? I really do not know... He asked me what I was thinking about, why was I so quiet? I had no answer. None. Oh wells. Things will get better. They always do =)

~Loving him more and more each day~

Ok... ICE CREAM

Right, so now change of plans- we'll be going to Island Creamery and hopefully it will be followed by the visit to the Singapore Botanic Gardens. Haha... I don't know I just feel like walking. I wouldn't mind Macritchie either haha.

I'm going out!!! =D

Mann the day started off like.... siiiiiiiiiaaaaannnnnz... what with no where to go for tonight. Wanted to head down to Pasir Ris Park but after calculating the distance.... mann it'll totally destroy any curfews that are set! So I was agonizing on where to go.... Mac Ritchie? Upper/Lower Pierce? It's driving me nuts!!!

Then darl saved the day (again, as usual) and suggested Blu Jazz, as I had recommended it the last time =)) So yep that's where we're going. No after dinner plans yet. Leaving it up to the guy as usual. Now we know who wears the pants in the relationship =)) hahahaa

Shattered plans

Hmmmm looks like no more beach for me... have to go RELC on Friday...that means I must take leave on Friday... that means I can't take leave tomorrow now can I? University is like ARGH screwer of teenage life... sighs sighs... a million sighs escapes me..

Ah well... it's alright... maybe Saturday? Have Si Ting's party though.... hmmm maybe the others wanna go Ubin? We're supposed to go Sunday but hahahaa SOMEBODY has driving at 1 to 230 haha... see how see how...

Wanna go to the beach...

I so wanna go to the beach... or anywhere out of doors! Not be cooped up in some air- conditioned place with artificial lighting!! I hope I can go soon. =)) Haha just like Mrs Lovette in Sweeney Todd eh?

By the Sea

MRS. LOVETT:

(she kisses Todd)
Ooh, Mr. Todd! (kiss)
I'm so happy! (kiss)
I could (kiss)
Eat you up, I really could!
You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd? (kiss)
What I dream (kiss)
If the business stays as good?
Where I'd really like to go,
In a year or so?
Don't you want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, yes, of course.

LOVETT: Do you really want to know?

TODD: (spoken) Yes, I do, I do.

LOVETT: (spoken) I've always had this dream...
Ever since I was a skinny little slip of a thing and my rich Aunt
Nettie used to take me down to the seaside August Bank Holiday...
The pier... Makin' little castles in the sand...
Ooh, I can still feel me toes wigglin' around in the briney!

By the sea, Mr. Todd, that's the life I covet,
By the sea, Mr. Todd, ooh, I know you'd love it!
You and me, Mr. T, we could be alone
In a house wot we'd almost own,
Down by the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
With the sea at our gate, we'll have kippered herring
Wot have swum to us straight from the Straits of Bering!
Ev'ry night, in the kip, when we're through our kippers,
I'll be there slippin' off your slippers!
By the sea,
With the fishies splashing!
By the sea!
Wouldn't that be smashing?

TODD: Anything you say, anything you say...

LOVETT:
I can hear us wakin,'
The breakers breakin,'
The seagulls squawkin,'
'Hoo, hoo!'
I do me bakin,'
Then I go walkin'
With you-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!
I'll warm me bones on the esplanade,
Have tea and scones with me gay young blade,
Then I'll knit a sweater
While you write a letter
Unless we've got better to do-hoo!

TODD: Anything you say...

LOVETT:
Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel
When it's just you and me and the English Channel!
In our cozy retreat kept all neat and tidy,
We'll have chums over ev'ry Friday!
By the sea!
Don'tcha love the weather?
By the sea!
We'll grow old together!
By the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!

(spoken)
Oh, I can see us now, in our bathing dresses!
You in a nice, rich navy, and me... stripes, perhaps.

It'll be so quiet,
That who'll come by it,
Except a seagull
Hoo, hoo!
We shouldn't try it,
Though, 'til it's legal for two-hoo!
But a seaside wedding could be devised,
Me rumpled bedding legitimized!
Me eyelids'll flutter,
I'll turn into butter,
The moment I mutter I do-hoo!

By the sea, in our nest, we could share our kippers
With the odd payin' guest from the weekend trippers,
Have a nice sunny suite for the guest to rest in,
Now and then, you could do the guest in!
By the sea,
Married nice and proper!
By the sea,
Bring along your chopper!
To the seaside,
Hoo, hoo!
By the beautiful sea!


Hahahahaha.... but yupp you get my point eh. =))

Bubbly by Colbie Caillat

Will you count me in?

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I?ve been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, where ever you go
Wherever, wherever, where ever you go

Drowing by The Backstreet Boys

Don't pretend you're sorry
I know you're not
You know you got the power
To make me weak inside
Girl you leave me breathless
But it's okay 'cause
You are my survival
Now hear me say
I can't imagine life
Without your love
Even forever don't seem
Like long enough

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

Maybe I'm a drifter
Late at night
'Cause I long for the safety
Of flowing freely
In your arms
I don't need another life line
It's not for me
'Cause only you can save me
Oh can't you see
I can't imagine life
Without your love
And even forever don't seem
Like long enough

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

Go on and pull me under
Cover me with dreams, yeah
Love me mouth to mouth now
You know I can't resist
'Cause you're the air
That I breathe

Everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
And baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning your love

Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning
In your love
I keep drowning
In your love
Baby I can't help it
Can't help it no, no

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

Realize by Colbie Caillat

One of the nicest songs I've ever heard. And very apt for anyone in a relationship. Find out what you need to realize people =))

Take time to realize
That your warmth is crashing down on in
Take time to realize that I am on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now

Take time to realize, oh, oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize, this all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other

But, it's not all the same, no, it's never the same
If you don't feel it to, if you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder

Just realize what I just realized
If you just realize what I just realized
Ooh, ooh

Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now, yeah
Realize, realize, realize, realize, oh

Daymare Attack

The 'attack' usually comes suddenly. For no apparent reason but for the fear that is in me. I know and have been told there is no need to fear. But how can one not? Even the strongest and those who are most sure of themselves fear. Confidence is key. Confidence is attractive. Confidence is what I seek to be. But in this journey of finding my direction, my confidence, very much like making a quest, dark monsters tend to be lurking around and sometimes I have to battle them. Those who care will understand. Those who don't will see me as weak and will desert me. But when I do complete my task and come out stronger than I was. Those who stay by me will see the rewards they deserve and those who desert me will have nothing.


The feeling of fear, hope, sadness, resignation.
The feeling of hating these feelings I feel.
Unfounded emotions, fears, possible scars.
Limitless 'maybes', 'what-ifs' and 'buts'.

Attack again; falling, tumbling.
Scared to open up the doors to the mind.
Thinking, struggling not to think.
Tired of the unending ambushes found inside.

Seeing, yet hoping not to see.
Feeling, yet hoping not to feel.
Playing out scenarios in my head;
Those not supposed to be there.

The hoping of love, help, security.
The hoping of strength to end these thoughts.
Seeking the aid, protection and faith;
That might already be there.

The poem starts with the fear. It ends with hope. The middle depicts the turmoil, or perhaps the surface of it, of the persona.

The ways of MEN

So I was at my Uncle's place for a gathering Saturday night. Here I was given a lesson about men by my God Brother... Sorta...

WHat he told me was that all men have temptations everywhere around them. Being an experienced Casanova, he told me of his stories and how he cheated but always wore a condom... or tried to haha. What he said was you will never know where that girl's been to or who she slept with. And we were talking about multiply-effects: This girl got together with his friend. His friend fucked her and told HIS friends she was easy. So one by one they were able to bed her. He was definitely not her first boyfriend so what if all her boyfriends had friends like that... if and when my cousin did sleep with her, he'd be sleeping with like close to a hundred other men and who's to say these hundred other men are 'clean'? It's scary! I mean alright you might be in a situation like at a club and this hot girl wants to bed you and you guys are all tipsy etc and yeah both of you get on with it with the conclusion that yea she wants to be your special girl. No problem. Everything looks rosy. But even if she decides to be a good special girl now you know for sure she's slept around before and yikes to think who's been in here mann..

Sometimes it's scary but people give into temptations and in the end get hurt and I mean really hurt. My cousin has kinda ended his career as a casanova. He started when he was 16 so perhaps more than 7 years as a casanova has made him wiser now and he says, like Uncle Wayne in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, It's not worth it. Hmmm wonder if I know of any guys who will go ahead and think hell I won't regret only to regret it even more when their a lil' older.

Temptations are there to be resisted. If they're not there to be resisted they'd be called another name. They'd probably be vice or maybe day to day normal things haha. So yup, just some food for thought on the matter.

FINALLEH something that's not so narrative hahaa =))

Canoeing 2 star RECAP!!!

Lol called down by Mr Goh for a 2 Star course in which I was supposed to be partner to this girl, Davina, as her partner wasn't there and every other person there had a banana with two walnuts attached to their lower part of their body. Haha.. Learnt about the different boats as well but didn't get to test them out.. sighs.. haha

So I treated it like a recap session. Mannn My Eskimo Bow was still hmmm-ish. But I met Felix, who was in Kayaking racing last time and lol we had nice discussions about the boats we used etc. I could do the sculling thingy... managed to go all the way to 90 degrees but I couldn't come close to the Eskimo Roll... sighs.. This other guy, Johan, mann he got it like 70% right mann and it was awesome!!! haha Guess you have to be unafraid of capsizing and dare to go ON! haha

Miss my 2 star mates like Jonathan (the ever enthu not afraid of capping shuai ge), Anthonny and my very own SR canoeing girls mann...

I sooo wanna do my 3 star but I gotta train for it.. my hip flip is not powerful enough haha better start belly dancing then.. hahaha...

So because of thie 9 to 4 session, after dinnering at Brazil at Sixth Avenue and driving past Signature I totally KO-ed haha... Ah wells, hope to be fit again eh hahhahaa So I gotta train gotta train gotta TRAIN!!! hahahaa

Night out at Blue Jazz Cafe =))

Haha the girls and I had a good meal on Friday night haha. In the end only PJ, Elaine, Regina and I went for dinner but haha had a fun time =)) Haha Regi and I had the chicken chop and seriously the way they cook their capsicans and veg are like WOW!!! hahaha

Any way the decor of the place is kinda out there but it was nice. The chairs were mismatched tastefully with Regi sitting on something like a throne wahahhaa. The lights were cool too like seriously haha. There was a problem though- It was BLOODY HOT as the air conditioning was like poop gone poof haha. Also we were sorta hurried out by this faggoty looking sissish sorta guy with his ang mo friends. Haha... but ah wells the live band took too long anyways and I was getting impatient to leave for Shisha with Regi.

After that we went to find a good shisha place only to find out that I would be the only one shisha-ing... like sheeeeesh mann so I was like forget it, thought the amount to shisha was really large wahaha. So in the high-ness of it all we decided to walk into a mama shop and Regi bought a packet of Viceroy for $10.20 haha... We proceeded to Parkview Square where we shared one stick. Honestly, it's really nothing special. Glad to think that if a client offers me one next time I won't choke and die haha.. The night out with them was really really fun.

Later on while Regi was called to go get scolding from Qing and Ali the rest of us decided to head home too. PJ and I detoured into Bugis street however haha. Hope to go shopping with her soon =))

Argh this blog post is so narrative it's making me sick haha but oh well I don't have a proper diary so why not write down everything here so I won't forget? =P

Yao Xia Ban Lo!!

Hahaha omg spent the whole day on my blog la... haha mann I really didn't understand why my friends had blogs but look at me lar... one day at least 3 posts hahaa. Too bad my weekend will be quiet cos I don't have a pc at home... haha Well I'll only be having my driving lesson tomorrow then I'll be going down to Kallang to take part in a 2 star course for FWEE haha cos the coach needs a female to help this girl in her course I guess. Haha... Oh wells.

Anyways doubt there'll be much else going on. Darl is going to catch tickets (haha =P), girls may be busy... haix... maybe wanna go play Left 4 Dead eh haha. Will update the blog on Monday then =))

I've learnt HTML myself!!!

Hahahahaa finally after staring at the computer screen 3 inches from my face for close to an hour, I've added in a tagboard and a song playlist with the colors that I want. It was damn painful to stare at the exact EXACT spot I wanna put the HTML in lar... omg am so pwoud of meself!!! wahahahha Ok.... HTML HERE I COME!!! hahaha

Actually it's kinda fun and the heart work pays of. If you'd seen me I was pumping my fists in the air when I finally got the playlist where I wanted to WOOTS!!! hahhaha yay yay ya....

EUPHORIAAAAAAAAAAAAA =)

Promiscuity

I am not promiscuous. Couldn't be even if I tried to... Just won't work with me I guess. I go for one partner at a time and if I ever slip I don't think I could live with myself. Actually I don't think I could live with the partner who cheats on me.

I have a friend who said that he has a Girlfriend but lets her go with her fuck buddy 'cause, well their not married and all. He also thinks that the Girlfriend is someone he loves but he can have a fuck buddy too just that he only really feels for his girlfriend. I mean hey if you do care and love your girlfriend why would you wanna sleep with anyone but her?? Does this mean you're tired of sleeping with her and you wanna try something new? If that's the case break up. Don't hold on to her as your back up plan just because you know she'll be there for you.

Sheesh sometimes I don't know how people think. I loath people who can't be faithful. That probably why I decided to kinda start avoiding him... haha =) If you mix with the rotten apples you may turn into one yourself eh?

BUT I don't think I need to worry about these stuff (which this promiscuous guy friend of mine seems to be promoting) happening to me =)) Right??? =)) Yep. Right. =)

Frustrated.

Mann I don't know why but I feel uber frustrated la... seriously!!!! argh I just wanna scream!!!!!! This totally sucksssss.... LOL... my SIM thingy has to be signed by Monday. NTU hasn't replied me... Have to go RELC pay money.... ARGH!!!

It's not the dreams at night that get to me...

I think everyone day dreams. Sometimes our minds wander you know. For me, I'll day dream about the people closer to me; and the thing is these day dreams actually echo my fears. They come in at all sides, intertwine themselves with the things that I do in my everyday life. Most of them actually consists of me being left alone again.

Why do I say I fear nothing but the past? Because in my mind the nightmares of the day dreams concern the past. Not my past though... I fear that one day, she will come back to retrieve what she lost. And I fear the person whom she lost, as he said still has part of his heart with her, will want to claim that part back too to make the heart whole again.

This heart is, as been told to me, not whole. Part of it is left with someone else. This was said to make me feel better as I had originally thought I was sharing a space in that heart with someone else.

For me, maybe I too leave parts of my heart behind. But for these holes, I seal them up and the person who took away that part and is no longer there usually becomes dead to me. Recently He told me to take away these walls and yes I did. I feel so vulnerable now. Is that how he feels all the time since he doesn't fill up that hole? But still, I do not feel much for the people who took away those parts from me... there were two; and neither of them is alive anywhere in my heart. Hell, I'd not even want that piece of heart back!! lol

What I told Him was the heart should be able to regenerate and so I'll give him time. But still I'm afraid. Very afraid. In my day-mares I see deceit and reunions. I know I should never think this way, but I can't help it. And everytime I feel a twang in my heart.

Love hurts I guess. But I'd gladly accept this hurt. I wouldn't want to change anything now. I just pray to God that this will stay. 18 years without this feeling, without Him. Yes I did survive. But this is like introducing a person who has been locked up in a cell to the lush greenery of the forest, the beautiful blue sky, the many magnificent buildings and people. That person will dread going back to the cell now won't he?

Things are supposed to go one step at a time. There is supposed to be no planning and therefore no stress about the future. This is a good hypothesis. But why do I not feel that it's working? A lot of friends around me ask me to think about the future and they are shocked to hear me say that I've not thought about it. Why? Because if only one of the pair thinks about the future, it will actually force away the other as the other is not thinking along the same lines. I've all along been the one to take steps back. Guess I'm used to it. Or maybe I change for the person I love?

Apparently I am not supposed to be a girlfriend 24/7. Apparently I know when to take a back seat. Haha... I guess this logic is kinda.... so you mean to say when I take the back seat my position is no longer that of a girlfriend? Haha sometimes these things make me wanna laugh and cry at the same time. but since a few days back, I decide to choose the choice of laughing. I want to be happy. I want this to work out and be a happy thing. And for that I have to start first. =)

LOL ok I'm totally ranting but yup that's what a blog is for eh haha... =)

Night out with the girls

Ooooh boy! Having dinner with PJ, Elaine, Huifen, Jeslyn and Regina! Haha... seriously a girls' night out mann!! haha.. We'll be going to Arab street then, some place Elaine introduced, for Western Food haha. Actually it's more for someone there to keep her mind off some unhappy issue or another so I hope it'll be a blast. Needless to say I hope to invite the Cam Whore spirit into my body so that I can upload nice nice pictures here =))

Sometimes.. Change can be a good thing

I really don't know what to think sometimes. Sometimes I feel so secure, like everything is working for me... other times I feel that I'm just not good enough: I'm too fat, have a bad temper, not rich not confident yada yada yada... argh... so freaking irritating.... What on earth does this mean?

I'm seriously trying my best to keep my confidence level up. Guess it is working... I guess.. but you know sometimes even when you're a barrier made of steel or whatever metal when a force comes down unbeknowst to anyone at a certain angle which is your weak spot you just crumble.. I think many of my friends know where my weak spot is; I remember telling a few of my closer friends. Thing is this weakness will always be there and even when people think it's alright, it's no longer existing... well it is. And when it is struck I may look ok but inside I'm not.

I hope for me to be able to grow accustomed to it being there, that weak spot, so that I don't feel so hurt whenever it is being under fire. I think I can do it. What I really need is a lil' bit more confidence eh?

There is so much I need to change about myself. Really so much. No one is really happy with whatever they have I guess. I used to tell my friends no one is worth you changing yourself for and there is no point trying to change anyone. I don't think I can follow my own advice now can I? haha It's so subjective.

On a more cheerful note, changing for the someone may be a good thing if its a good change =) I think it is good to have more confidence and all that so yes, I'll try. But for me I'm happy with how things are now and wouldn't change anyone for the world. Why should I? I chose that person because of who that person is right? =))

Different people choose to go about differently. Different outcomes will surface. So no point worrying about whether the future is bleak and whatnot. Live in the present and believe that the future will be a happy one. Even if you're the only one imagining the future =)

Chill out 10/6/09

Ok... putting aside the thoughts I had which I just wanted to let out earlier... haha... yesterday we went to timbre! Nice events place. Took a few pictures just in case any one needs a place for like birthday dinner etc.. hahaa and we kinda proved that it's not the length of the hand which holds the camera, it's the gender of the person that hand belongs to. LOL so yesterday was one of the seriously few times that the date did not just consist of a movie and dinner and walking around malls. LOL. It was Mall, Timbre and Fort Canning Hill- 2 out of the 3 places made us a worth while buffet for insects by the name of Mosquitos. haha

But seriously it was nice. And I was just high ok... NOT drunk!!! My reputation went down when Aaron told PJ he had to bring me home 'cause I was too high... LOL... whatever... haha. But seriously, Fort Canning is a nice place to go. Yeah.. the tombstones did look creepy considering I've been watching 'Most Haunted' for the past few days but all in all it was great- and alcohol took all the fears away anyways haha.

Look forward to doing this again sometime. This was like one of the few times I used my camera on a date. Usually I'd shy away from them or just take neoprints =) hahaha guess the Cam Whore mania has seized me after so many years of me avoiding it wahahhaha

=))

Long time no see- Finding my direction

Haven't been blogging for a long long long while. USed to think blogging was an utter waste of time. The suddenly I see that sometimes people just need to let all the things that are making a whirlwind in their head out. I used to do this by talking to me friends via msn. There is just something about typing in a ranting sorta fashion and hearing the keys go click click click that makes me feel better. Of course sometimes it'll be frustrating as you find that you can't type fast enough. But still...

So this blog is titled "Long time no see- Finding my direction". Says a lot about who I am now. Reading my old old posts that I posted long ago, I see that I've changed so much. Really. Thing is who is there to see that I've changed too? My secondary school friends have mostly gone out of touch; they can't vouch for me. And neither do my parents as they do not see much of me. But it doesn't matter to me anymore. Why lament on things that you can not change?

Recently, I feel as if I have found my direction and then lost it, found it again, then lost it again. Sometimes I feel so happy and contented, and the next, I feel empty, and isolated. This is not PMS and neither are these feelings mood swings exactly. Truth is, I haven't found myself yet. I've come to the conclusion that life is a never ending journey of self-realization and one should not care about the outcome of having found ones self. On the contrary people should be looking at how they GO ABOUT finding themselves instead.

I seriously thought I was mature enough. I've recently found out that I'm not. I get agitated rather easily- a flaw I've been working hard to cure. I've not been what I want to be- someone that people love and accept. True, I'm getting help to reach my goal.

Someone is helping me. Recently, he has helped my by making me tear down all my past "walls". Let me explain. I have the ability to block out things that hurt me. I never really cry or feel hurt for more than a few days to say for the maximum; I have been able to do that since when I was younger, when I was hurt by the way my parents scolded me etc etc. It may sound like I'm blaming my parents and all and to some extent it's true. I've not been able to keep my friends since primary school. I've never really had true friends. He suggested that it was because of this brick wall, that I appear stronger, but at the same time am actually putting on a facade, and that people can see it, is the cause of me not being able to keep my friends. And with that he tore down my walls and pillars that I've built inside me. It's like I have a mini Zion in me and I watched it slowly crumble down. It hurt. Really. But I guess it's for the better?

You tend to get hurt by people whom you care most about. And yep recently I have been hurt or hurt myself for some of the people I care most about. But after tearing my walls, it's like I've stripped off my armour and walked right in front of an apporaching army, bearing my body to their spears, swords and arrows, should they wish to fire them at me. I'm scared. Scared shitless. But if I do not take the first step then I'll never grow right?

Also another fear seizes me. What if I'm left to do this on my own. What if the architect who ordered the demolision so as to rebuild something else leaves half way? Will I be able to complete a whole new city by myself? I'm scared to be alone. Scared to be left. Scared of being scared. But I guess I shall take things one step at a time.

I want to be positive. I want to stop being childish and I want to grow up. I feel that I have to grow up. Sometimes he says he's sorry he seems to be making me grow up. Sometimes I agree. But I never resent it. I find that I'm actually quite contented with the way things are now. And I have only one fear- that it will not last. But no point fearing what one cannot change or know or see. I'll cross that bridge when I reach it then.