Thoughts

Went out with darling today after a 3-day stint of not seeing him~ Poor darling was tired today... well he DID sleep at 6am.... poor darling only got max 4-5hrs sleep I guess =(( Make me feel so guilty for seeing him... Sometimes I wonder if I am just an added responsibility to him >.< I really don't want to be that. I really don't want to be something that he HAS to accomodate in his life, something that he will want to dispense of should there be added responsibilities such as school etc... But then again, there was someone who made me feel so indispensible yes disposed of me the moment he found his fun in Uni so... I know I've told myself time and again Ray is different and I should not expect or let my past affect me now because this is something else... Yet there are times when I feel emotionally weakened... Maybe it's the PMS haha or maybe...

It's the lack of support from my friends? I don't understand. I should be fine without their support. All throughout my relationship with Jerome they saw me as the bad person, the one being at fault, not realising that the person crying everynight was me and not him. They went to the extent of telling me, their friend, not to bully a "good" guy like him. I won't deny he was a good guy, he just had this bad side that he showed only to me...
And here I have friends, some who are my closest questioning my decisions. I've told them and myself time and time again that this is my choice to make. Who I love and what I do are ultimately up to me. But for them to use inception, albeit unknowingly, is not helping. I used to seek opinion from the masses about these issues. Now I find I am learning to shun from them because I know that after what happened before, most of them know SHIT about what was good for me. I know what is good for me. So the person I should listen to should be myself.
I've got friends who seem to be expecting my to break up anytime soon. I have some who tell me that relationships starting in clubs won't last. Then they ask for my support when they are going out with some other guy and THEY appear too blind to see that the guy is REALLY not that good a guy for themselves and here they are telling me stuff like that?? Ray is a better guy than the guy they choose ANYTIME!

I know the feelings I feel for Ray are real and they mean a lot to me. This is no puppy love, this is no infatuation. It's something deeper than that. Thus I really want things to work out for us =))

I've said this before, some people date first then get together. Others get together first then date. There is no right or wrong when it comes to love; people go by feeling, because that is EXACTLY what love is, a feeling. The only thing is, I fear to talk to him about my fears in the relationship that are mostly put into my head by my friends. I'm afraid he might thing "Why is this girl thinking so much?" and "Wow we only just got together and she's giving so much problems." So I bottle a lot of things up. I was used to talking at night before bed to my past boyfriends and it was a bonding thing. Yet with Ray we don't talk at night because he is with his friends. And I don't like to call him and make him talk because I don't think it very nice for a guy to say to his friends "Hey give me awhile I have to talk to my girlfriend." The fact that he is mostly nocturnal kinds of make everything a little different for me but I guess I can cope with it.
I keep telling myself:
Don't expect and you won't be disappointed.
Don't think too far, live and enjoy the now.
These phrases have become mantras for me to live by.

I want a long term relationship. He told me he wanted it too. So now, all we have to do is trust. I'm afraid to plan too far ahead now because he's not ready (who will be with just 3 weeks into the r/s?? DUH!) and because planning so far so fast usually leads in disappointment. I guess the past two have given me a lot of baggage. Baggage I thought I had gotten rid of. The fact is I haven't gotten rid of the fears but I know how to overcome them. I just don't need additional help to heap more fears onto me -.- Friends ask me if I plan like really far ahead (like walking down the aisle) and I find that I tell them to stop with all these because it's only 3 weeks omg! They give me the look that shows doubt. I don't think I'm the gullible little girl who thought of prince charming anymore. But why do they think that I should be thinking of marrying him already?? And when I say that we've not talked about it, they use it as leverage to show that they don't think the r/s will last. WTF?? GROW UP GIRLS!!! For someone to say "I wanna marry this person" after less than a month of knowing them, it's rather obvious that it is an impulsive decision. I want to enjoy the process of getting to know my boyfriend as well as learning the best way to love him thank you very much!

I find that this relationship is exactly what I was talking about when I talked about the healthy relationship:
The man and woman in a relationship are in love. They are however two seperate individuals and are not an entity bound at the hip. Two human beings bound at the hip will only face a lot of conflict in the long run as humans need their own space too. Thus, a couple should be two seperate individuals but share a common love for each other.
A relationship should not mean that one cannot leave the house without the other. Neither does it mean that they cannot talk or interact with anyone other than the two of them. That is NOT healthy. Each must have their own support groups like friends and family and what they should do is intergrate themselves to get to know the other party's support groups, and not seal their loved one from the support groups.
Although I feel that this is the ideal healthy relationship, I must admit I still pine for the honeymoon period of "just the two of us" and this is the reason why in the previous post I said that I think the honeymoon period seems to be over. However, I am very well contented if things stay this way throughout the relationship because as I have stated this is the ideal relationship. I'd rather skip the "just the two of us ONLY" few months and have a long and healthy relationship with many little "just the two of us" times, than have a very very sweet 3 months honeymoon and when the transition back into society happens things fall apart because the two are used to being bound at the waist.

I see myself being able to go far with Darling and I won't give up. Not now, not ever. And heck whoever wants to try to rule my life because it isn't their's to rule. It is mine and I can make things happen.