We all know the story of Humpty Dumpty. This man was shaped like an egg, with an oval body and head who sat on a wall and had a great fall and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him together again. Now that's a very fast story spanning, what, 4 lines in a rhyming poem. But is life ever so simple? Let us put ourselves in HD's (Humpty Dumpty is too long winded now don't you think?) shoes for awhile. Now how on earth did he get on the wall? Why did he get on the wall? What caused him to fall? How did he feel after the fall?
Why am I talking about a poem we read when we were six? Because through this poem, we can actually learn a or many valuable lessons from ourselves. I have come to the conclusion that for us to be able to progress and learn, we must firstly, admit our mistakes, and secondly, give better alternatives so that these mistakes would not have been or will not be made again.
We all make mistakes. When there is an arguement, there is no one side that is fully at fault because, well as the old saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. The one thing that many people do is that they put the blame on the other and choose to not let go until the other person apologises. Imagine if both people do the same thing. When will the arguement ever end? How often do you see people, whilst in the arguement, suddenly sit back and look inside themselves and say "Hey, wait a minute, I was wrong too. Now what did I do wrong and what could I have done to make it better?" If the world took a step back and asked themselves this everytime an arguement forms, the world would definitely be a peaceful place. However, it is easier said than done. Here are a few steps that we can take...
Step 1:
Take the blame.
We all know that we are to blame in one way or another and so the first and the hardest step is to tell ourselves that we are at fault. No do not try to defend yourself with a "but the other person did this and that too...." but try to take all of the blame.
This may be a little different from what some self-help books tell you but then they have their say and I have mine. When I say take the blame, I am not asking you to start feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and sink into the dark abyss of emo-ness, never to rise again. I am telling you to open yourself up to the fact that at every point that caused the arguement, you did make a wrong move that propelled the arguement.
Step 2:
What should have been done?
Now that we have opened the doors of our defense that will probably protect our ego but destroy the relationship, we will move on to the next step, finding out what could have been done, what was the right move we could have taken.
At this point, we are likely to start by saying "I should have done this..... but even if I did, the other person would have done that. The other person did this to me, should I have put up with that as well??? ..."
REMEMBER, it is not about the other person here, it is about YOU. You can't change the other person, the only being in the world you can truely change is YOURSELF.
This is no push-the-blame session, this is the break-down-all-facades-and-defenses-to-solve-the-situation-your-ego-would-not-let-you-solve session.
So ask yourself what could I have done?
Step 3:
Say sorry and tell the other person your thought process.
It would generally help if the other person was doing the same thing but even if they were not, they would probably still be open to an apology. By telling the person, you are showing the other person that you know what you did wrong. You are the one growing here. You are the one being open about it. The other person may continue to go against you but you now have the knowledge that you have taken the necessary steps to make yourself a better person and hopefully, when there is such a confrontation again you will know what to do.
If you are with a partner, both of you should do this process together. From it you will learn more about yourself as well as each other and the scenario that had just passed will be unlikely to happen in such a big way again. Of course this is not a miracle drug and it takes time as well as practice to master. But when you do master it, you will find greater understanding and love in one another.
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