No Surprise

This song is just so apt. Thank you lord for letting me have such wonderful friends and family. It is worth it losing a horrible slave driver to find my treasures that were always there.


NO SURPRISE


I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why...

It's NO SURPRISE I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's NO SURPRISE I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as NO SURPRISE

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's NO SURPRISE I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep
Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

It is not easy to atone for one's sins. One need not have set a palace on fire, or murdered an entire family. The extent of the sin lies in the mind of the one who has been sinned against. There is no small sin for every sin is a sin and like it is impossible to say who loves more, it is impossible to say which sin is more serious. All of us sin, but it takes someone who is brave to accept that one has done something wrong and seek forgiveness. It is also the brave who accpets and forgives. To forgive is not an easy thing to do, but with time and effort from both parties, both can be brave and when the one who seeks forgiveness is forgiven and the one who forgives accepts the apology, then everything will fall into place again.

Many people refuse to let go, prefering to douse themselves in the thoughts that they deserve to stay angry and not forgive, to punish the person who asks for forgiveness by not forgiving. But do they know that by doing that, the person they are hurting is themselves. They cannot let go and the thought of what has happened is in fact like a thorn in their flesh, purposefully being kept lodged there.

Darling, I want to dislodge the thorn in your flesh. I know it is difficult to do. But I want us both to heal. Help me dislodge this thorn in your flesh so that the skin can recover. There may be a scar but from the scar both of us can carry on and learn. I am really trying my hardest to be worthy of your forgiveness but no matter what I do, the power lies with you. Whether you and I can be happy again depends on you. Whether you let me help you tend to your wound or not.... Because I love you...

Hmmm just had my nightly talk with darling... he must be very tired... I shall not think wrongly!!! =)) I trust darling loves me... I just have to tell myself that whenever I have negative thoughts....

I really love darling, but I am just too sensitive... I really want to look towards the future with darling... I know it's just passed but I want to let go of this incident fast so that I can build a better future with darling... I hope he thinks the same way. By living in the past, one can never embrace the better future no matter how great the future has the potential to be. I really hope we can tide ourselves through this crisis. It will be difficult but I hope we can accept or even brush aside the unhappy issue and allow ourselves to walk towards our brighter future. Can he hold my hand and let us walk together? =))

After doing something wrong, knowing how much I hurt him, asking for his forgiveness, him giving it... this is a crisis. A crisis that I have caused and we have come against? I would really want us to tide through this crisis together, making us stronger than before, as all well-tide-over crisis makes relationships grow stronger.

I understand I have injected a larger fear than he originally had in his mind. But I can say only this, after seeing how much this has hurt him, I am all the more certain that I will never allow such a thing to happen to us ever again.
I can only thank God that it was not something else. I am not saying this is a small issue, for there is no saying the size of such a thing, I am saying I am thankful that it is not a larger issue (stuff that goes on for a long long time that has escalated into a myriad of problems); if not I would not know what I would do with myself and even if he did forgive me, I would not have been able to live with myself, and by that it would mean something very drastic. Even now, I have the urge to hurt myself, because in my mind's eye, I see the wound I had inflicted on him and how I wish that that I could bear the wound on his behalf.

Yes, he says he has forgiven me, and I am greatful for that. But the gash that I made will take time to heal, and I would like to be there tending to the wound that I had caused. I love him. Such pain, I would never wish to inflict on him, whats more do it again. I know it will be hard for him to believe me, but for me, after seeing how much I hurt him, I felt that pain too, and I will never let such a thing happen again. This I know for sure in my own heart. It will take a long time to convince him that this is true, in fact he may never fully believe this promise, but I know in my heart that I can never hurt him like that again. While I can do nothing to force him to accept this promise, I can work on it myself, and hopefully as time goes by, he will see...

A part of me fears that he has already given up on me and might want to seek revenge on me and do to me what I did to him to hurt him. Yes, it is a highly negative thought and one that shouldn't come out. Yet it has been my flaw that I think of everyone as revenge seeking individuals and therefore I am scared of people especially those whom I have hurt. This thought does enter my head and it scares the living daylights out of me.
But everytime I hold on to another thought- he promised me before and I trust him; I will not doubt him, and I know that he loves me. This thought is strong enough to make the bad thoughts go away.

As of now, I think he doesn't have any good thoughts to chase his bad thoughts about me away as of yet. He will fear, he will suspect. I can try my hardest to give him reasons to believe me, I only hope that he can let himself believe me. I know it is too much to ask right now but I really do hope that he can really open up and believe me even if it's for this one last time.

If there was an equipment that could let people see into one's heart I will get it and I will pass it to him so that he can see that I really mean it; that there will be no such replay ever again. But there is no such equipment and I only hope that he can believe me one last final time because this last final time will be enough, I do not need any other chances because I am taking this one chance to ensure I will need no other chances anymore.

Dinner: The Dragon Boater and the Muay Thai Girl

Had dinner at Bukit Timah market with darling after training =)) Fu Zhou fishball ramen for me and Chicken cutlet for him =)) waited for darling at NP but poor darling was delayed because the buses on his side were all packed. He was still wet from training... I'm so touched he rushed out to see me =)) Tonight was a blast! We didn't get angry with each other and I even showed him some Muay Thai stuff I learned haha... I like being so carefree with darling! Fighting is not a solution to anything!!! I want to be more tolerant and less temperamental with darling because I really want to see him happy =)) I really really do love darling very very much =))

It's not a matter of "do unto others what you want others to do unto you". It's more of "love others the way you want others to love you". "Love" is a stronger word than "do" and it is a definite positive emotion. When we love someone, we are willing to fork out our everything, at whatever cost, for the other person to be happy. Only when we give a 100% can we even expect a 100% back from the other party. If we do not give, we have no right to recieve. Sometimes though, when we give a 100%, the other party may not give you back a 100%. But in life, 1+1 may not be equals to 2. A + may not give a + back, it may give you a - and a few other negative signs before a positive sign comes along but we must understand that at the end of the day, life will balance everything out for us. We must believe in life and love. =))

I understand that he's busy now.... I'll miss him and all... I just hope he won't forget me when things really kick off. Maybe I'm thinking too much, after hearing various horror stories from my girlfriends about how their men get tired of them after awhile and start to lose temper and not want to spend time with them. Maybe it's the sudden influx of activities? I don't know... I'm scared that he is growing distant from me. I love him so so much and I really don't want to lose him... I don't know what CCA he's going to get into... actually the reasons I joined muay thai as a cca is : 1) It keeps me fit 2) It's competitive even if it's not in the ring 3) It's in school so I don't have to travel far and waste time 4) There are only max two trainings a week so I can spend more time with him... School may not have classes daily plus my cca doesn't take up too much time. What will happen if he has school daily and cca three times a wek along with tuition? I'm so scared to lose him... thoughts that fly through my head are what if he thinks having a girl from his school would be better that they can meet more often? I don't know, I fear having the feeling that now his life is kickstarting, I'll be shoved into a corner... Maybe I'm too sensitive to think it's starting to be like that... I don't know... I don't want to feel that way either.... =(

Unwanted Guest

In the living room,
Cold, hard and disheartening silence
Linghers in the air like some putrid,
Sordid stench from the dying and the slain
On the battlefields.

In the dinning hall,
Sounds of battle emerge from the
Colliding cutlery amidst the echoing
Nothingness, the absence of voice and laughter
Amongst the ingestions.

One sole soul stands,
Alone and yet not along in this
Abyss, this hell, if life and conversation
Was heaven. And yet not alone as it stands with
Cold statues of stone.

Feedback

I have a confession to make. I am childish and I like to be pampered. I can be easy going mostly but every now and then, I like to be treated like the princess that I wish I could be. And nobody can do it better than my boyfriend. My parents can't make me feel like a princess because they feel that they are too high and mighty to give in much to me. My friends can't treat me like a princess because well we're peers and if I'm a princess so are they. No royal treatments here haha... the only person that can make me feel like a princess is my boyfriend.

I'm not saying he has to hold my train wherever I go or lie over puddles of water so I can walk over him to prevent my heels from getting dirty.
I am talking of the little things like giving in to me when I'm having a tantrum (he can always chide me about it afterwards); saying sorry in an arguement like he means it even though he's not all to blame; telling me I am beautiful even though I'm saying for the hundredth time that I am fat/ ugly etc etc.

I've come to be less angry and know how to curb my anger well, but sometimes the inner princess in me wants some attention and she feels very very sad when she doesn't get it... Showing love to people is easy provided they see that you love them and in return do what you need to feel loved =)) we should open our eyes more to how others are loving us. yes it's true there are ways we want people to love us and if they don't do it the way we want, of course we have to tell them!! They can't read minds.

I know my darling loves me because of the little things he does:
1) Pull out chairs for me to sit in
2) Wakes me up in the mornings if he happens to wake up before me
3) Gets jealous when other guys gets too near me
4) Wants to kiss me still even though it's been 9 months =))
5) Drives me/ sends me home from wherever we are
6) Talks to me at night even though he's tired
7) Smses me even though his phone bill is exploding
8) Tells me that he loves me
etc etc

I really wonder what he will say if he had to write the above list? =))
I believe in feedback and not complaints. Complaints is the negative form of a feedback and the only person powerful enough to make anything sound positive or negative is yourself. If someone tells me something they don't like about me, yes I'll be upset but then I will change that into feedback and learn from it. Change is the only constant in us and as long as I'm alive, I will change, hopefully for the better. The people who don't change and think that everyone is just complaining about them and that they don't have to change are going to make themselves miserable in the long run. I have stopped believing in the "if they love me they'll know what I want" mentality because NOBODY will know if you don't tell anyone. So, if there's something I would like from you I will tell you. Let's hope that people don't take it the wrong way. =)) AND I'll only tell people/ give people feedback if I love them and care to grow with them so if I DO give yopu any feedback please look into it =))

Sensitivity in a relationship

Is it right to be sensitive? I would think so. However, is it right to be too sensitive? Then again, who knows when one is being too sensitive? We all hear of what people would call "woman's intuition". Does that mean that men do not have this intuition as well? And also, are women's intuition always correct and far more superior to men's?

Many people will believe the following:

Sensitivity can aid a relationship. It can also cause the relationship to fall apart. The key is the amount of sensitivity. Of course the two extremes of too little and too much will cause the negative effect on the relationship. Thus, a balance is needed.


I am not saying it is totally wrong, of course everything in moderation is good. However, I think it will be a wiser thing to focus on something else: TRUST.

Human beings are selfish creatures by nature with compassionate hearts (a paradox, I know). Sensitivity is a way of protecting ourselves. The sensitivity in a relationship can be seen in another form in a hunter's reflexes when he is hunting or when a member of a SWAT team is going in through the back door of a wanted criminal's house. Thus I would like to argue that sensitivity IS good for us.

However, we must also remember that in a relationship, one of the most important factors is TRUST. If the basic trust is not there, how can you share the bed with your other half, how can you eat the food your other half prepares, how can you believe a single word the other person says to you?
It is foolish to say that we can only choose to take one (sensitivity or trust)at any one time.
1) Sensitive + No Trust = Suspicion
2) Not Sensitive + Trust = Nonchalance
3) Sensitive + Trust = Blind acceptance
4) Sensitive + Trust + Open Communication = Ideal Relationship
However, many people are stuck at (1) and (2). (3) is rare because we have been programmed by society not to believe in people too easily. (4) is difficult too because of the same reason as number (3). Thus the main issue here is not sensitivity, it's trust.

Trust is the main ingredient for a successful relationship. MUTUAL TRUST is the ingredient for a successful AND happy relationship. When there is trust, we will be able to curb our volatile and instinctive actions of interrogation when we are sensitive. Interrogation is NOT open communication. In fact it closes doors to communication because the interrogator already has preconcieved notions and will not put them down easily and the person being interrogated feels threatened and may not give the truth willingly.

When one is sensitive, if we trust, we will want to know what is wrong. When we do not trust we TELL ourselves something is wrong. We will not want to KNOW what is wrong we want to CONFIRM that something is wrong. When this mindset sets in, nothing the other party says can fully change our perception of the issue. A man would want a wife to ask him if there is something wrong, not accuse him of being an adulterer.

TBC...

Little faith

A little girl sat crying
In front of the cold, hard
Fireplace, empty of it's
Once dancing, glowing embers.

Her glance glided across the
Empty. stone cold room
Where her mother once sat
Sewing with her back to a corner.

"I will be going to the
Market," she'd said, nodding
To the the pile of cloth,
Products of her nighttime labour.

But the market seemed
To have swallowed the mother,
Leaving the little girl
Alone for the first time.

"Little Faith, Little Faith,
Have a little faith, Little Faith,"
A voice in her head seemed to say
Through her tears and quiet sobs.

Little Faith with little faith
Opened the wooden door to
Her little house and stood
Facing the waning sunlight.

With her little faith falling,
Little Faith looked up and
Saw a shadow, legs, her mother's
Dress and her mother's face,
Smiling at Little Faith.

Hmmmm why is it our minds run wild when we're alone? Are camps really so scary? Will people really change from them? I have a friend who's mindset has changed after camp and while I know he probably won't... why do I suddenly feel overly sensitive to things he say and how he says them... am I thinking too much?

Darling's in camp... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz -.- .... miss him like crazy even though it's only the 2nd day. He was nice enough to sms me and all yesterday, telling me that the closest he got to a girl was when they were tied and passed balls plus they weren;t even holding hands haha... the mass dance got me worried but like what Vic said, this isn't pride and prejudice hahha so what's a mass dance but a medley of stiff cheorographed movements? =))

He called last night after mass dance. We put down the phone kinda quickly and all.. guess he must have been tired but he remembered to sms me =)) Am quite happy about that. Woke him up this morning at 7am and the day began....

I carried on watching Temptation of Wife till about 2pm after which I went to do some grocery shopping >.O hhahahaha wheeeeeeeees can't wait!!!!

Shall see him tomorrow I hope after he breaks camp to bring laundry home =)) wheeeeeeees