Recently I've been having major breakdowns. I'm getting weaker and weaker by the day I feel it and I know it. I want to be strong again, but I don't know if that's what he wants of me? I know he really disliked it when I was strong and overbearing. I don't dare to tell him, but I feel he's starting to be as or even more hurtful than I ever was. Was it really me? Was I that bad? I've stopped using the knife (or razor) on myself because of him. But I find that I keep wishing it was in my hand whenever we quarrel. I am starting to not dare to tell him stuf. I'm starting to make myself weak on purpose so I don't get angry with me. But I feel like last time (the weaker he was the more angry I get) the weaker I am the more hurtful it gets. And sometimes I really want to just slam the phone down and take out a knife in the kitchen and just stab myself.
However, a knife wound done wrongly will mean 5-7 hours of painful bleeding on the floor.... and I'm sure my parents will be home by then... Drowning? Out of the question. I totally loathe the idea of not being able to breathe. It scares the crap out of me. And I know as the water hits the lungs when you panick and try to get in some air, it hurts like crazy too. Agony before nothingness.... hmmmm not really the way I wanna go. Setting myself on fire? OUCH factor at 1000000 so NO NO NO. Hmmmm hanging? Ok when you're sent to the gallows, they drop you from a great height so that you actually break your neck and die almost instantaneously instead of hanging and kicking and slowly suffocating to death so unless I can do neck-bungee from like 12 stories.... Uh-Uh.... Hmmmmmm then how about jumping off a building? Yucks splatter on the floor. You would probably be in a vegetative state instead of dying if done at a too-short-for-death height and if it's too high, you sure have a lot of time to regret and get scared before you actually die: mental torture? NAH....
I don't know, things have been running through my head more often than not recently... I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I do die? I expect to be scolded should anyone know how much I'm thinking of doing such things. But then again, I don't know how much more I can take before I'm pushed over the edge. I had these thoughts when I kept everything inside me. At those points in time yes, they were kept, all those unhappiness. Now I feel like I have to keep it on top of facing more and more piles of such things being hurled at me. I'm weak, I'm no longer strong. Can I ever be strong again? Can I be strong when the person I love didn't like me when I was strong like that? I'm stuck. I need help. I don't need anymore scoldings. I guess people do not understand me. They don't know what pushes me over the edge. Heck, I don't even know. But I do know what I want. I want someone to be there for me to hold me and tell me everything is ok. Someone to love me and tell me it's alright when we fight and assure me they still love me. I used to be one of those "someones" who did that for myself when I was down. Suddenly, I've become a coward trying to find the easier way out. But the "easier" way ain't easy at all...
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