Question Mark

Listening to emo-song No. 1 to me now- Shontelle's Impossible. I've been feeling mixed emotions recently. Sometimes I feel tired, too tired to carry on. But carry on I did. If I were a third party, I'd tell Mel: "Babe, he's ditched you before (albeit twice) and he may do it again. Yeah sure you did it to him before but you knew that you could never let him go and you went back to him, nearly instantaneously; you went back to him babe, and that has been what you've been doing throughout the whole relationship, going back to him."

I remember I was happy. Yes angry, but he always knew what to do to make me smile again. And he's sweetness melt a hole through my anger and I changed. The Mel of today is much weaker. If I were a third party, I'd say: "You tore down your walls for someone else before and you hurt like crazy. Why have you torn down your walls again? Have you not learnt your lesson?"
I guess I am throwing caution to the wind because I really love this man. I find myself reining myself in, tearing down any walls of protection just to listen to this man and hopefully change myself to suit him. He's been doing so much for me and I know. Why? Because now I see the emptying hole which was once filled with a lot of things he did for me before; and now that those things are disappearing fast, I miss them. You always miss things that are no longer there, you always notice their importance when, they are dying out or merely gone.

I feel like we've switched roles. Once it was me who was not satisfied with him. Now it seems whatever I do doesn't satisfy him. I understand we should keep bettering ourselves but this feel crazy. It must have been hell for him too; for him to deal with my changing wants and dissatisfaction. But now, I feel happy and satisfied if I don't cry on the phone when I'm with him, don't quarrel in public or anytime when we're together. True, I'm to blame for the quarrels. But sometimes I feel, is it wrong to be pissed when he doesn't tell me something? Then I find myself kicking myself the instant I know I did a wrong turn but by then it's too late... I've messed up again.

He keeps saying things like "It's my fault... ya it's my fault... ya" and anyone could tell you he didn't mean it. He's saying stuff he doesn't mean, apologising when he doesn't feel apologetic and the reason why I want him to stop is 1) Apology is sacred; do not use it any-o-how because you wipe out the power of an apology and 2) If it goes on this way one day he'll tell me "I love you" when he doesn't mean it? Far-fetched? I don't think so because this type of things escalate; trust me I know first hand... I used to be like that with my parents too.

Uncertainty? Yes... I have that now. I used to be so sure that he'd never leave me because he was a man of his word but I'm uncertain now. He'd say sorry, sometimes I'm uncertain as to whether he means it. But I don't want to give up on him. YES PEOPLE LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID SO THERE! AND WHY CAN'T I BE STUPID FOR HIM? HE'S MY LIFE...... But I'm uncertain as to whether he sees that...

Recently uncertainties and fears keep coming up- is he with another girl or is he looking at other girls at his friend's party? Does he actually not want to see me and is just giving excuses? Does he have something to tell me? Is he tired of me? All these insecurities were not there before and the one changing factor causing this is him... Nothing else has changed other than my love for him growing stronger; but he is changing. And I feel these things when my trust has been shaken and I feel fear. Not only do I fear these insecurities, I now fear him. (see what happens when I bring down my wall and weaken myself ON PURPOSE?) Yes, I fear him. He used the imagery of a bull going at a piece of red cloth and I used an image of me being a colorblind foolish matador not knowing when I am holding a red cloth in front of him.

I wish these fears will stop. I want him back. But it was because of me that he changed. Cause and effect I guess? My retribution? My sorrow my sadness my fears my tears my emotions my strength... I feel like I'm giving my will to him and the more hold he has on it, the more cruel he becomes... I love him, foolishly, wholeheartedly. I don't think of leaving him. I hope this is the right thing to do. I want to wait for him to love me like how he did before again. And so I'll wait.