Oh mannn I really CAN'T do push ups right!!! What's the point of doing hundred at a go last time when they were wrong??? I should have learnt the NCC style la... how the men do push ups!! I can't even do one!!! It's like facing chin ups all over again... haix... and what's worse is that I just had KFC for dinner!!!! AAAAAAAH THE FATTY HORROR!!!!

I had lost weight and dropped to like 58kg but then now I'm back to 60 kg T.T !!! Ah wells, I'm happy as long as my tummy can get flatter and my legs stay in shape LOL!! That's all I want!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA....

Del and Gur are like still going strong after a YEAR haha wishing them all the best =))

Still planning for Darling's birthday. I decided to tell him about the cake plans haix I just don't wanna risk getting something he doesn't want. And I hatched an idea: let's not have birthday guest books and make a huge photo frame filled with well wishes from the different groups of friends!! =))

Hahaha I like my idea! LOL ok just because it's special. I really want Darling's birthday to be a nice one because well this is the first time I've had a plan in someone's birthday and this someone is especially special to me =)).

Just had Kway Teow Kuah for the first time during supper with Darling =)) Today is also the first day I sat in the car with Darling alone and he drove really really well =)) I'm so happy to have my loving boyfriend =)) Though yes my navigation skills suck and there were times we stunned because I pointed him in the wrong direction haha...

Darling came to pick me up today after his tuition and we drove to his place where we had lunch (I had a hamburger snadwich haha =)) then we left for Aranda Country Club where we were to book Darling's chalet for his birthday party on the 18th of July. True it IS early but who says we can't have it early? So after following the directions from Gothere.sg and with a little help from Darling's iPhone, we got to the country club. We made reservations and all that then we drove to Vivo City to meet the rest for Davin's birthday dinner. Darling ascended the 7 story multistory carpark with it's spiral drive up like a pro =)) I'm very very impressed. =))

I had my first meal at Modestos today and we had like 5 pizzas and paid $12 each. We then got 4 pints of ice cream at Ben n Jerry's: Chocolate macadamia, Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey, A Cookies Affair, Strawberry Cheesecake, New York Super Fudge Chunks and Chocolate Mint. 10 of us shared it.

We the squeezed into Darling's car and headed into Sentosa to Hard Rock Hotel where Davin had booked a room for the night.

Today sure was fun. And yes, we didn't quarrel =)) Hurray!! Hope to see dalring again soon... I'm already starting to miss him....

<3

Eyes

Warm sunlight, rays of
Innocence choosing their path through
The unveiled windows to the
Bed of two entwined beings resting
Yet not so, lost in the eyes of one
Another.

Lost in the vast land-
Scape of the soul through the dark
Brown windows with it's greyish-
Black windowpane against the white-
Washed walls with tinges of red flowery
Wallpaper.

In a second, time lasts like
Enternity in which both are willingly
Lost to the outside world as both continue
To stare and understand, appreciate
Until one blinks and they are awakened but the cycle starts
Again.

What do you want from me- Adam Lambert =)) VERY NICE SONG!!!!

Hey
Slow it down
What do you want from me
What do you want from me?
Yeah
I’m afraid
What do you want from me
What do you want from me

There might have been a time when I would give my self away
Oh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now
Here we are
So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Chorus:
Just don’t give up
I’m workin' it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey!
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?

Yeah,
It’s plain to see (It’s plain to see)
Baby your beautiful
There is nothing wrong with you (nothing wrong with you)
It’s me
I’m a freak
But thanks for loving me
'Cause you’re doing it perfectly (perfectly)

Yeah, there might have been a time when I will let you slip away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life.

Just don’t give up
I’m workin' it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey!
What do you want from me? (What do you want from me?)
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me? (What do you want from me?)


Just don’t give up on me
Ohhhhhh!!
I won’t let you down
No
I won’t let you down

Just don’t give up
I’m workin' it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey!
What do you want from me?

Just don’t give up
I’m workin' it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around.
Hey!
What do you want from me? (What do you want from me?)
What do you want from me? (What do you want from me?)
What do you want from me? (What do you want from me?)

The Dream Journal

The book swallowed the words
Of her dreams of her fears
Of her tears of her trembling hands
Of her suppressed emotions.

The book was her confidant
Her friend when no one wanted
Anything to do with her dark
Dreams fearing they would taint
Their otherwise perfect day.

But taint the words did
But taint the book which they
Were confided to and as the
Book swallowed the fear the anger
The sorrows the tears it too grew
Dark did that dream journal grow.

The bindings turned black
As the pages turned black and the
Leather was inky and the pages
Did shrivel and became like
Autumn leaves that were left for
Dead on the cold dry floor
Where nobody and everyone left them.

And as the journal became darker so
Did the little girl's soul and
As her soul was tainted her brown eyes
Became pools of darkness and her hair
Was raven yet long and seemed never ending
Just like her sorrows were never ending
Now playing like a tape on repeat in her head
Reminding her of why she could never smile again.

Silence, the Little Girl

The little girl walked quietly
Down the cobblestoned path.
She does not skip
For that is what happy children do.
No, she is not happy.
For she has a little secret
Within her bosom.
It is a secret that she can tell no one.

Because no one wants to listen.

She did try, did this little girl.
She tried telling it to those whom
She loved and whom she felt loved her.
But she got nothing but additions to her fears.
She was not to say it out
Not to strangers, not to friends
But only to the voices in her head
Who are forever watching.

Because everyone ordered her silence.

She was burnt, that little girl.
In the flames fanned by her own loved ones.
The ones she loved and loved till the very end
When the pain became too great and all the love
Was burnt till there was nothing but hate.
And then, the voices, the witnesses broke free.
Only they knew what she suffered,
Her broken and coded words.

Because all she asked for was love.

She suffered, she was destroyed,
Was the little girl who thought they loved her.
And in her ashes, they found her coded words
Engraved on her heart, as the voices deciphered them.
And as the voices read on, each word flew into
The burnt air and pierced each soul
Which had brought out the very words
Themselves into the little girl's heart.

Those who brought her down.
Those who have wronged her.
Those who had silenced her.
Those who lied about love.
Those who wanted and took.
Those who would not listen.

Her silent words flew freely,
Demolishing the town and all the
People could scream as they
Died and ran was that
"They did not know."
And the words screamed back in
Silence: You could have known
But you did not want to know.

The Bad Dream

Fragments of bad dreams
Torment the broken sleeper.
Each piece, a cutting reminder
Of her worse fears, being played
Out in front of her.

Sprinkles of bad dreams
Layering the awoken's day.
Forming, a blanket of
Fears and unhappiness as
She tries to live with life.

Dots of bad dreams
Upon the people she holds
Most dearly in her heart.
Will they understand?
She can only hope for some comfort.

The bad dream
Rears it's ugly head.
Even as the sun shines and
Disbelief in her eyes appears
Fear and lost of all hope
Overwhelms and engulfs her.

A part of her dies.
Can anyone revive it?

We... The word for romantic love; when two people become one.

Two birds in the sky,
Wing tip to wing tip
Soaring in unision
Forming the silver lining
On the nearby cloud.


Two stones in the water,
Lying side by side
As both are equally rubbed
Smooth by the flowing
Waters of the river.


Two shadows on the ground,
Joined at the fingers
Both moving, as if
In a dance made for one.
A dance that is called Love.

My boyfriend is so nice to me....

Just now, I was riled up and unhappy. Had a misunderstanding with darling. He was very nice to me =)) didn't get angry, just a little upset. Could feel him kinda getting sore when suddenly he just bacame gentle again. It's very much like a dream.... one that came true. It's true if you love someone you will change for the person.

Darling has been doing so much for me. And right now, I feel nothing short of the luckiest and most loved girlfriend in the world. =))

Love you darling <3

KL and beyond

Hmmmm just came back yesterday from a trip with darling's family. Actually didn't expect my parents to be ok with it but ok they were. Yupp I was very very nervous to be heading out with his family.... after all I've not been out with them much haha.... They were very hospitable. His poor siblings had to squeeze into the smaller back seat the whole way to KL though haha... Really this was an eye opener for me because I've only been to KL I think like once and I don't even remember it... Haha... but his parents go there more frequently and they really knew what they were doing haha...

Darling's a great driver too. I envy him that he can drive and on an expressway in Malaysia at that =)) and he ws really competent. Not jumpy and rather bold in his driving =)) 110KM/Hr haha =)) there were also many speedchecks on the way which was I guess just another chance for the traffic police to earn some quick buck.

We stayed at Park Royal hotel. I shared a room with his sister and mom. God I shared the same bed with his mom whilst his sis was nice enough to sleep on the floor... still feel bad about it but hey the second night I slept on the floor with darling so that the two younger silblings could have the bead after a few games of bridge haha =)) I finally know how to play the game wheeeeees =))

Ok so I spent on like a top, a dress, a pen for Wan Ni, gum, donuts (which I ate a lot of omg), a nice sling bag and some contact lenses =)) Didn't get anything from Chinatown though but it was an experience =)) wheeeees I'd like to g to Malaysia again =)) I also joined darling and his dad and bro at the Thai massage place on the last day while his mom and sister went to do their nails =)) haha it was fun but the neck part did hurt. And I swear if the girls tried to hit on darling I don't care if they learned kung fu to give those massages I would have killed all of them by strangling them with the towels they were using.

The trip was not only for me to get to know his family and for them to get to know me but also for us both to learn something. We knew that we were having some issues with our anger and all that so before the trip, both of us planned to put up a good front in a bid to start learning to be more tolerating towards each other and we were kinda putting ourselves in a position where we would have no choice because of the audience around us majority of the time we were there. I wouldn't say things went without a single pronlem butwe did learn some valuable things. Of course we both will still need time to internalise this but I am actually quite certain that things are looking up =))

Changing of blog look =))

A new beginning calls for a new face to my blog. Gonna see more happy posts in future so I think PINK would be a good color... hmmm the butterfly did look too sad anyways and it was more of a link to the song Roses and Butterflies which was my fav song when I started the blog and around that time I wasn't too happy anyways.

Now I have my darling and I so want to be happy =)) so that old shit has got to go (now then I realised it sorry baby).

OUT WITH THE OLD AND MOULDY AND IN WITH THE NEW HAPPY ME =))

Tears of happiness

Tonight I underwent the phenomenon (did I spell that right?) which I have seldom or not at all experienced; tears of happiness. Thetears just leaked out. They were different from what I'd experienced the nights leading up to tonight. They came rushing out when I saw him again. My darling was back =)) True, he did start off angry that I'd shared all my woes and placed him in a bad light for the whole world to see in my blog. But something different happened. Tonight, after we had a good talk, he actually wasn't angry at me for long. In fact when I'd least expected it, he became the tender guy I hadn't seen in a long time. It was very sweet of him and it made me so very happy because he'd actually listened to my requests and he was trying to be nice to me to make it work. =)) Thank you darling =))

We're going to try hard =)) things haven't been going smoothly recently but like I said, "If there are 10 bad posts, we'll make the good posts 20. If there are 100 bad posts we'll make the good posts 200.) It won't be easy, but I know that we'll achieve it. I believe in him, in what he feels for me. And I don't doubt that I love him.

We'll be going to Malaysia on Monday along with the rest of his family. I'm gonna take it as a "Getting back on track" camp where we will learn under pressure once more to be nice to each other and to tolerate stuff because we do have an audience that really matter. =))

Somehow, I have a good feeling about what is to come.... =))

<3

I need to rant

Today, I woke up around 1pm.... Yes I know very very late... I usually wake up around this timing daily. Yep had a quarrel with my boyfriend over SMS, which was bad enough. Then my dad had to come it and be that piece of shit that he is. I'm fine with people nagging at me.... ok not very fine. But it's much worse when they give me nonsense and no-link CRAP that really gets my goat. And my dad is a master at giving nonesensical bits of "knowledge" that have to link whatsoever.

I was up, I went out of the room and drank water then I went back to my room to read some stuff. He came in and said "You should get your body running" meaning I've to be up and going?? What my body and system are running perfectly that's why I could WALK to the kitchen. What do you want make me go for a jog? I didn't wanna eat because I ain't hungry but.... hello what's with people and forcing others who are not hungry to eat???

Then he suddenly asks some question which I feel was 1) none of his business and 2) we have talked about this before and 3) it's not what you think so let me cut you and tell you what is actually happening for the bloody 5th time. I was agitated and so my tone and face was too. He told me I was rude and he didn't deserve the way I look at him and he actually said "I don't deserve this type of eyesight from you." O.o riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

He started comaparing me to my boyfriend etc and since he paints my boyfriend in such good light let's just bear the brunt of it even though I was dying to shout out that it wasn't true LOL... WHATEVER!

What followed was NAG NAG NAG.... man I should do a Kesha song called that. Damn it.

So I called my boyfriend to rant. Ranting wasn't very good and he gave me very politically correct answers and asked me if he could use his house phone instead of the handphone. Guess his folks are around. I ended the call. He's obviously not interested because he's definitely taking me at my word that no need to call (even though I was angry still when we put down the phone) and he's not even texted me. Great. Talking about how you can feel people's intrest in you slipping.

Relating to the previous post, I don't feel wanted by him much anymore. Hmmmm so..... I'll go want myself! =))

When it seems like the care and attention once lavished on you has dissappeared, it is normal for one to feel unloved. I can't help but feel unloved sometimes. Feeling unloved brings out insecurities. Too much insecurities and people will tend to dislike you even more. I need to pick myself up. No more drowning myself in sorrow. For someone else to love you, you must first love yourself =))

I will always love you =))

Just a gentle whisper
Tell me that you called
Even only in memories
Where did we go wrong
Couldn�t find the words then
So, let me say it now
I�m still in love with you

Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Tell me that you need me
And I�ll be there
I�ll be there waiting

I would always love you
I would always stay true
There�s no one who loves you like I do
Come to me now
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad
I will stand true
I�m in love with you

Now were here together
Yesterday has past
Life is just beginning
Close to you at last
And I promise to you
I would always be there
I give my all to you

Living life without you
Is more than I can bear
Hold me close forever
(I�ll be there)
I�ll be there for you

I would always love you
I would always stay true
There�s no one who loves you like I do
This I promise
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad
I will stand true
Hold me closer

Our love is forever
Holding us together
Nothing in this world can stop us now
Love has found
Love has found, our way
I�m in love (I�m so in love)
I�m in love (yes, I�m in love)
I�m so in love
With you

Things finally settling down

Things have been a roller coaster recently. But like all things that have to come to an end. And so does this roller coaster ride. No no I'm not saying it's the end of the day at the theme park. This day at the theme park is gonna last a loooooong looooooong time. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're just dense. Haha... Love is like a day at the theme park. For some people, it rains and the rides close and they have to cancel their day at the theme park and end it there. Sure they may find another day to visit the theme park (have another relationship) or some may just never visit the theme park again after one day of ending the theme park (maybe the rides are too scary?). There are also others who have really a LONG day at the theme park (it can last as long as their entire life time). Sure there are bound to be setbacks like the sudden closure of some rides or some cock up during some rides and it looks like the day is about to be cancelled, but then suddenly, the rides are fixed again because one of the couple or both actually try hard to find the repairman to fix the ride.

It's gonna be hard. The repair man can be found easily or it can take HELL to find him but for the day to be as long as possible, you sure gotta look for the repair man =)) Of course when he fixes the ride, there may be minor glitches before things are running smoothly again but run they will and TADAH your day carries on into oblivion.....

I want a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day at the theme park =)) I feel like people should cherish their day at the theme park because what if suddenly you drop dead with a heart attack? You're gonna regret not cherish your day with the other person...

Love for me recently is like a big roller coaster ride in the theme park. There are times the machine stops in mid air and I think I'm gonna die. But then Somehow, I wanna put down my pride just to go through dirty shit and find the repair man. What happened to the proud Mel who wouldn't back down? I don't know, she must have fallen off and died because this Mel sure is giving a hell lot. Sometimes I do feel: hey why am I doing this? But then again as I said, you gotta enjoy your day and make it count and last as long as possible. Nothing is worth you tearing up the day. Especially not with the guy I'm with now. I'm not saying I'm gonna be the only one who has to look for the repair man. Sometimes darling has to do it too. Maybe he doesn't feel much like it sometimes so one of us has to do it and it can't be him all the time right? We couples should learn to take turns:

1 + 1 may not be equal to 2 instantly in a relationship. But at the end of the day, everything will balance out. We gotta learn to give and take but not count and be calculative about how much we give must be equals to how much we take. True love is..... giving because at the end of the day the person judging yourself will be you and if you give your 100% you know you've done your best and no regrets will come to you. =))

When you're down and out.

I have this friend of mine, whom I've mentioned in an entire post before. She's one of the nicest girls around. True true we all have our setbacks. But then again. When I feel like the whole world is on to me sometimes I, like many other girls, just need a girl friend there to rant or ask advice or merely to talk things true to get our mind thinking straight. I'm blessed to have a friend like PJ =)) She's willing to listen to sob stories, calm me down so I can think carefully, and sometimes just be a listening but comforting ear =))

I remember when I first knew her, it was via... SRJC Canoeing =)) We had a short stint of partnership on the yellow mos and went to the national juniors thingy haha... We got to the.... Semis is it? Haha...

I think, if one day I die and St Peter goes crazy and asks me to recommend a friend to go to heaven, girl you're sure to be who I tell him should be up here with me haha...

I didn't expect this from you

I was tired. My eyes were shutting. I wasn't feeling good aka bad mood because of the fatigue. No hug. Jut annoyance that I wasn't happy straight away when I saw him or tell him what was wrong instantly after he asked. I'd brushed away the morning's stupid almost there arguements but heck they're coming back up anyways. If he had asked "Why did you sms me when you woke up?" And I'd said "Because I didn't wanna disturb your sleep." I'd be countered with a "As if a sms will wake me or disturb my sleep." This time it was another way round but I just shoved it under a rug all for the sake of him having a driving test soon and I didn't want an arguement hanging over his head.

I was tired and I knew I was late because I told him I wanted to be there waiting for him right after his driving test. I took a cab down. I waited for him and my eyes were closing. Coupled with the wound that was this morning when he was so cold and not understanding and in a way accusing.

I was told, after him being frustrated at me being cold and apparently ignoring him, that "I shouldn't have come. Next time don't come and meet me if you're going to treat me this way. You should go home." Yep I had enough. I had to have dinner home. But I was willing to say let's just go home and walk the dog then we go get dinner together. Yeah the tone wasn't nice. Just a tired and not in a very good mood bitch. But hey, I compromised for whom? I had to get this impatience which wasn't there when we first got together?

Today was the day he wasn't behind me when I walked away. Consistant with how his actions and mannerism has been going down hill recently. But then again, I can't say that this walking away was the same as those that I did a long time back. This time I felt I had to get away from this guy who was obviously aggressive, abusive and downright not being understanding or patient. I've had enough. The last straw came when he sent the message saying "Who needs you anyway?" Yup harsh. I was disappointed he could even say those words and I told him how I felt with tears in my eyes as I typed them
but ummm... I received a spiteful reply saying he was disappointed with my actions.

As of now, no manner of reconciliation from his side has been coming. Yup open up how you feel to get a spiteful reply. Everytime we lose contact during an arguement, I am the one who calls back to start the talk again and when we talk we resolve the crisis we're in. After what he told me about not needing me? Well he doesn't need me in his life, nor needs me to call him to resolve anything. When I let slip that one time with the word "Hate" and he left me, it cleared up with me calling him to come to me to settle things with me. I called. I've always called. But now I know, he didn't need me to call anyway.

I'm not needed people!! Now who needs me? I'm free to lend you a listening ear or shoulder because the person I was reserving them for doesn't need them anymore.

Question Mark

Listening to emo-song No. 1 to me now- Shontelle's Impossible. I've been feeling mixed emotions recently. Sometimes I feel tired, too tired to carry on. But carry on I did. If I were a third party, I'd tell Mel: "Babe, he's ditched you before (albeit twice) and he may do it again. Yeah sure you did it to him before but you knew that you could never let him go and you went back to him, nearly instantaneously; you went back to him babe, and that has been what you've been doing throughout the whole relationship, going back to him."

I remember I was happy. Yes angry, but he always knew what to do to make me smile again. And he's sweetness melt a hole through my anger and I changed. The Mel of today is much weaker. If I were a third party, I'd say: "You tore down your walls for someone else before and you hurt like crazy. Why have you torn down your walls again? Have you not learnt your lesson?"
I guess I am throwing caution to the wind because I really love this man. I find myself reining myself in, tearing down any walls of protection just to listen to this man and hopefully change myself to suit him. He's been doing so much for me and I know. Why? Because now I see the emptying hole which was once filled with a lot of things he did for me before; and now that those things are disappearing fast, I miss them. You always miss things that are no longer there, you always notice their importance when, they are dying out or merely gone.

I feel like we've switched roles. Once it was me who was not satisfied with him. Now it seems whatever I do doesn't satisfy him. I understand we should keep bettering ourselves but this feel crazy. It must have been hell for him too; for him to deal with my changing wants and dissatisfaction. But now, I feel happy and satisfied if I don't cry on the phone when I'm with him, don't quarrel in public or anytime when we're together. True, I'm to blame for the quarrels. But sometimes I feel, is it wrong to be pissed when he doesn't tell me something? Then I find myself kicking myself the instant I know I did a wrong turn but by then it's too late... I've messed up again.

He keeps saying things like "It's my fault... ya it's my fault... ya" and anyone could tell you he didn't mean it. He's saying stuff he doesn't mean, apologising when he doesn't feel apologetic and the reason why I want him to stop is 1) Apology is sacred; do not use it any-o-how because you wipe out the power of an apology and 2) If it goes on this way one day he'll tell me "I love you" when he doesn't mean it? Far-fetched? I don't think so because this type of things escalate; trust me I know first hand... I used to be like that with my parents too.

Uncertainty? Yes... I have that now. I used to be so sure that he'd never leave me because he was a man of his word but I'm uncertain now. He'd say sorry, sometimes I'm uncertain as to whether he means it. But I don't want to give up on him. YES PEOPLE LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID SO THERE! AND WHY CAN'T I BE STUPID FOR HIM? HE'S MY LIFE...... But I'm uncertain as to whether he sees that...

Recently uncertainties and fears keep coming up- is he with another girl or is he looking at other girls at his friend's party? Does he actually not want to see me and is just giving excuses? Does he have something to tell me? Is he tired of me? All these insecurities were not there before and the one changing factor causing this is him... Nothing else has changed other than my love for him growing stronger; but he is changing. And I feel these things when my trust has been shaken and I feel fear. Not only do I fear these insecurities, I now fear him. (see what happens when I bring down my wall and weaken myself ON PURPOSE?) Yes, I fear him. He used the imagery of a bull going at a piece of red cloth and I used an image of me being a colorblind foolish matador not knowing when I am holding a red cloth in front of him.

I wish these fears will stop. I want him back. But it was because of me that he changed. Cause and effect I guess? My retribution? My sorrow my sadness my fears my tears my emotions my strength... I feel like I'm giving my will to him and the more hold he has on it, the more cruel he becomes... I love him, foolishly, wholeheartedly. I don't think of leaving him. I hope this is the right thing to do. I want to wait for him to love me like how he did before again. And so I'll wait.

There is something about me that not many people know about; and even for those who know, not many understand why I do it. I've often been accused of being antagonistic, the firestarter of arguements- I'm not denying these charges. Nope. I agree. I'm very opinionated (if that's even a word) haha... And I like to air my views. If there are views against mine, I believe I have a right, as my opposition does, to voice out my opinions and make it a goal to win the debate. So in many cases I am the bad person, the one starting the fights, the person who doesn't stop, who keeps harping on things etc etc. Yep, I am one horrible person.

However, I also believe in something else. I believe a relationship is a journey of growth between two parties. And to grow, one has to face the storms thrown at them and learn from each other, past mistakes and mistakes that we are still making. I am against the stand that we should just "leave it at that" because leaving something defeated and wounded but not dead is as good as breeding something that will come out again and again, stronger than before. If there is a problem, we better whack it till we totally resolve the problem. It means going at it even if it hurts like hell. At least put a stop to it.

However, there is also another school of thought. I endorse the one above, but my darling endorses this one. This one is the one that says "Ok let's just leave everything at that ok? I don't want to fight anymore I don't want us to hurt anymore". To put it bluntly, it is running away from the problem. I feel that it will help now but in the long run.... BUT then again, I feel now, that one cannot be too stuck in their ideals. It is wrong to keep rushing ahead. We should strike a balance. If we can fight when there is real cause for and stop fighting when it is just something small won't things be much better? Why not be a coward now than evoke a larger problem? =)) I have much to learn from him. And I'm only learning from him because I love him. I hope he can see this. I'mma gonna call him now, just to say sorry =))

Suicidal Tendencies

Recently I've been having major breakdowns. I'm getting weaker and weaker by the day I feel it and I know it. I want to be strong again, but I don't know if that's what he wants of me? I know he really disliked it when I was strong and overbearing. I don't dare to tell him, but I feel he's starting to be as or even more hurtful than I ever was. Was it really me? Was I that bad? I've stopped using the knife (or razor) on myself because of him. But I find that I keep wishing it was in my hand whenever we quarrel. I am starting to not dare to tell him stuf. I'm starting to make myself weak on purpose so I don't get angry with me. But I feel like last time (the weaker he was the more angry I get) the weaker I am the more hurtful it gets. And sometimes I really want to just slam the phone down and take out a knife in the kitchen and just stab myself.

However, a knife wound done wrongly will mean 5-7 hours of painful bleeding on the floor.... and I'm sure my parents will be home by then... Drowning? Out of the question. I totally loathe the idea of not being able to breathe. It scares the crap out of me. And I know as the water hits the lungs when you panick and try to get in some air, it hurts like crazy too. Agony before nothingness.... hmmmm not really the way I wanna go. Setting myself on fire? OUCH factor at 1000000 so NO NO NO. Hmmmm hanging? Ok when you're sent to the gallows, they drop you from a great height so that you actually break your neck and die almost instantaneously instead of hanging and kicking and slowly suffocating to death so unless I can do neck-bungee from like 12 stories.... Uh-Uh.... Hmmmmmm then how about jumping off a building? Yucks splatter on the floor. You would probably be in a vegetative state instead of dying if done at a too-short-for-death height and if it's too high, you sure have a lot of time to regret and get scared before you actually die: mental torture? NAH....

I don't know, things have been running through my head more often than not recently... I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I do die? I expect to be scolded should anyone know how much I'm thinking of doing such things. But then again, I don't know how much more I can take before I'm pushed over the edge. I had these thoughts when I kept everything inside me. At those points in time yes, they were kept, all those unhappiness. Now I feel like I have to keep it on top of facing more and more piles of such things being hurled at me. I'm weak, I'm no longer strong. Can I ever be strong again? Can I be strong when the person I love didn't like me when I was strong like that? I'm stuck. I need help. I don't need anymore scoldings. I guess people do not understand me. They don't know what pushes me over the edge. Heck, I don't even know. But I do know what I want. I want someone to be there for me to hold me and tell me everything is ok. Someone to love me and tell me it's alright when we fight and assure me they still love me. I used to be one of those "someones" who did that for myself when I was down. Suddenly, I've become a coward trying to find the easier way out. But the "easier" way ain't easy at all...

Nice website: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/5169723

Hello visitors from Google, please read this important message from the Shroomery Staff:

Suicidal thoughts are common during different phases of life, but even in the deepest depths of abysmal despair and utter hopelessness, people emerge to find a sense of peace and a gratifying life worth living. In this day and age we have great means to alleviate mental or physical anguish and suffering, even compared to five years ago. We implore you to consider less permanent and devastating solutions.

Acute suicidal thoughts and concrete planning constitute a valid medical emergency and should preferentially be dealt with by medical specialists. A web community lacks the professional attitude and effective strategies to handle such emergencies. It is of little use, and perhaps unfair, to lay this situation on strangers who are powerless to help. If you are in this kind of emergency, please reach out to your friends and loved ones and get trained assistance. It is legitimate to call 911 (USA), 112 (Europe) or your regional emergency services if necessary.

For non-acute matters of life and health, please feel free to post here (anonymously if you like). We have members and moderators who are eager to listen and provide support. Many people find it therapeutic just to honestly discuss their problems with an empathetic audience.

Please be safe, and if at all possible, stay with us for many more years to come.

-- The Shroomery Administrators & Moderators