Question Mark

Listening to emo-song No. 1 to me now- Shontelle's Impossible. I've been feeling mixed emotions recently. Sometimes I feel tired, too tired to carry on. But carry on I did. If I were a third party, I'd tell Mel: "Babe, he's ditched you before (albeit twice) and he may do it again. Yeah sure you did it to him before but you knew that you could never let him go and you went back to him, nearly instantaneously; you went back to him babe, and that has been what you've been doing throughout the whole relationship, going back to him."

I remember I was happy. Yes angry, but he always knew what to do to make me smile again. And he's sweetness melt a hole through my anger and I changed. The Mel of today is much weaker. If I were a third party, I'd say: "You tore down your walls for someone else before and you hurt like crazy. Why have you torn down your walls again? Have you not learnt your lesson?"
I guess I am throwing caution to the wind because I really love this man. I find myself reining myself in, tearing down any walls of protection just to listen to this man and hopefully change myself to suit him. He's been doing so much for me and I know. Why? Because now I see the emptying hole which was once filled with a lot of things he did for me before; and now that those things are disappearing fast, I miss them. You always miss things that are no longer there, you always notice their importance when, they are dying out or merely gone.

I feel like we've switched roles. Once it was me who was not satisfied with him. Now it seems whatever I do doesn't satisfy him. I understand we should keep bettering ourselves but this feel crazy. It must have been hell for him too; for him to deal with my changing wants and dissatisfaction. But now, I feel happy and satisfied if I don't cry on the phone when I'm with him, don't quarrel in public or anytime when we're together. True, I'm to blame for the quarrels. But sometimes I feel, is it wrong to be pissed when he doesn't tell me something? Then I find myself kicking myself the instant I know I did a wrong turn but by then it's too late... I've messed up again.

He keeps saying things like "It's my fault... ya it's my fault... ya" and anyone could tell you he didn't mean it. He's saying stuff he doesn't mean, apologising when he doesn't feel apologetic and the reason why I want him to stop is 1) Apology is sacred; do not use it any-o-how because you wipe out the power of an apology and 2) If it goes on this way one day he'll tell me "I love you" when he doesn't mean it? Far-fetched? I don't think so because this type of things escalate; trust me I know first hand... I used to be like that with my parents too.

Uncertainty? Yes... I have that now. I used to be so sure that he'd never leave me because he was a man of his word but I'm uncertain now. He'd say sorry, sometimes I'm uncertain as to whether he means it. But I don't want to give up on him. YES PEOPLE LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID SO THERE! AND WHY CAN'T I BE STUPID FOR HIM? HE'S MY LIFE...... But I'm uncertain as to whether he sees that...

Recently uncertainties and fears keep coming up- is he with another girl or is he looking at other girls at his friend's party? Does he actually not want to see me and is just giving excuses? Does he have something to tell me? Is he tired of me? All these insecurities were not there before and the one changing factor causing this is him... Nothing else has changed other than my love for him growing stronger; but he is changing. And I feel these things when my trust has been shaken and I feel fear. Not only do I fear these insecurities, I now fear him. (see what happens when I bring down my wall and weaken myself ON PURPOSE?) Yes, I fear him. He used the imagery of a bull going at a piece of red cloth and I used an image of me being a colorblind foolish matador not knowing when I am holding a red cloth in front of him.

I wish these fears will stop. I want him back. But it was because of me that he changed. Cause and effect I guess? My retribution? My sorrow my sadness my fears my tears my emotions my strength... I feel like I'm giving my will to him and the more hold he has on it, the more cruel he becomes... I love him, foolishly, wholeheartedly. I don't think of leaving him. I hope this is the right thing to do. I want to wait for him to love me like how he did before again. And so I'll wait.

There is something about me that not many people know about; and even for those who know, not many understand why I do it. I've often been accused of being antagonistic, the firestarter of arguements- I'm not denying these charges. Nope. I agree. I'm very opinionated (if that's even a word) haha... And I like to air my views. If there are views against mine, I believe I have a right, as my opposition does, to voice out my opinions and make it a goal to win the debate. So in many cases I am the bad person, the one starting the fights, the person who doesn't stop, who keeps harping on things etc etc. Yep, I am one horrible person.

However, I also believe in something else. I believe a relationship is a journey of growth between two parties. And to grow, one has to face the storms thrown at them and learn from each other, past mistakes and mistakes that we are still making. I am against the stand that we should just "leave it at that" because leaving something defeated and wounded but not dead is as good as breeding something that will come out again and again, stronger than before. If there is a problem, we better whack it till we totally resolve the problem. It means going at it even if it hurts like hell. At least put a stop to it.

However, there is also another school of thought. I endorse the one above, but my darling endorses this one. This one is the one that says "Ok let's just leave everything at that ok? I don't want to fight anymore I don't want us to hurt anymore". To put it bluntly, it is running away from the problem. I feel that it will help now but in the long run.... BUT then again, I feel now, that one cannot be too stuck in their ideals. It is wrong to keep rushing ahead. We should strike a balance. If we can fight when there is real cause for and stop fighting when it is just something small won't things be much better? Why not be a coward now than evoke a larger problem? =)) I have much to learn from him. And I'm only learning from him because I love him. I hope he can see this. I'mma gonna call him now, just to say sorry =))

Suicidal Tendencies

Recently I've been having major breakdowns. I'm getting weaker and weaker by the day I feel it and I know it. I want to be strong again, but I don't know if that's what he wants of me? I know he really disliked it when I was strong and overbearing. I don't dare to tell him, but I feel he's starting to be as or even more hurtful than I ever was. Was it really me? Was I that bad? I've stopped using the knife (or razor) on myself because of him. But I find that I keep wishing it was in my hand whenever we quarrel. I am starting to not dare to tell him stuf. I'm starting to make myself weak on purpose so I don't get angry with me. But I feel like last time (the weaker he was the more angry I get) the weaker I am the more hurtful it gets. And sometimes I really want to just slam the phone down and take out a knife in the kitchen and just stab myself.

However, a knife wound done wrongly will mean 5-7 hours of painful bleeding on the floor.... and I'm sure my parents will be home by then... Drowning? Out of the question. I totally loathe the idea of not being able to breathe. It scares the crap out of me. And I know as the water hits the lungs when you panick and try to get in some air, it hurts like crazy too. Agony before nothingness.... hmmmm not really the way I wanna go. Setting myself on fire? OUCH factor at 1000000 so NO NO NO. Hmmmm hanging? Ok when you're sent to the gallows, they drop you from a great height so that you actually break your neck and die almost instantaneously instead of hanging and kicking and slowly suffocating to death so unless I can do neck-bungee from like 12 stories.... Uh-Uh.... Hmmmmmm then how about jumping off a building? Yucks splatter on the floor. You would probably be in a vegetative state instead of dying if done at a too-short-for-death height and if it's too high, you sure have a lot of time to regret and get scared before you actually die: mental torture? NAH....

I don't know, things have been running through my head more often than not recently... I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I do die? I expect to be scolded should anyone know how much I'm thinking of doing such things. But then again, I don't know how much more I can take before I'm pushed over the edge. I had these thoughts when I kept everything inside me. At those points in time yes, they were kept, all those unhappiness. Now I feel like I have to keep it on top of facing more and more piles of such things being hurled at me. I'm weak, I'm no longer strong. Can I ever be strong again? Can I be strong when the person I love didn't like me when I was strong like that? I'm stuck. I need help. I don't need anymore scoldings. I guess people do not understand me. They don't know what pushes me over the edge. Heck, I don't even know. But I do know what I want. I want someone to be there for me to hold me and tell me everything is ok. Someone to love me and tell me it's alright when we fight and assure me they still love me. I used to be one of those "someones" who did that for myself when I was down. Suddenly, I've become a coward trying to find the easier way out. But the "easier" way ain't easy at all...

Nice website: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/5169723

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21KM

With the cough/flu and all that I managed to finish up the 21KM half marathon Sundown. Yep I did it with darling next to me all the way =)) Have to say a BIG thank you to darling for being there for me even though he could have done it much better with a better timing than if he stuck with me, walking and all that with PJ and Merv. Actually the only thing I regret doing is not holding his hand to the finish... He actually tried to hold my hand but I kinda was emberassed to do so given that our timing sucked plus the fact that we had a slight tiff plus I was really ashamed of our timing and I couldn't get pass the knowledge that I could have done better.... I promise that if there is a next time (and there probably will be) that we run again together... and probably everytime after that we'll hold hands and finish it ok? =)) I am my biggest barrier... why can't I not care when no one else cares... I doubt he was bothered that my timing sucked that much after all.... I'm really sorry darling...

Fair weathered friend?

My parents just told me their intention of sending me overseas after I have finished with the UOL thingy in SIM. Of course I thought, I don't want to go- I have a boyfriend in Singapore as well as friends spread out across the globe whom I don't get to meet often enough as it is. I was kinda sad. So, that happened during lunch and all (which coincidentally was right after I woke up). I didn't have my phone with me and when I did look at my phone after lunch I saw that He was done with tuition and tried to call me.

(Background: I woke up VERY late in the morning and when I checked my phone I saw that he had left messages and missed calls for me but seeing that he would most probably be in tuition I didn't want to disturb him and all so I didn't SMS him back- BAD move I'm afraid)

So I phoned him and the moment he picked up the phone I told him what the crisis was. Well the answer wasn't what I had expected. He asked if I'd tried to persuade my parents against it (like DUH of course I did) and I told him that I'd prefer it if I could take a teaching Dip in SG to going overseas (can't the man see that I do not want to further my studies, see the world and explore new horizons BECAUSE OF HIM??) I think I must have been too upset to think but his advices that followed didn't sink in at all and by that I mean I couldn't see much of a link in them. Anyone who knows me knows that I get HIGHLY frustrated when I do not understand something (those who cannot picture it can have an interview with my math homework who have witnessed such emotions on a regular basis). So I got frustrated: Here I am telling you the largest crisis of my life as yet and there you are giving advice albeit without much emotion?

There was one time when we were discussing if we did get married and one of us did have to go overseas would the other one follow and then the answer was a YES for both of us. But this didn't seem to be the case today. After saying a cold goodbye, I found out via SMS that he's being so was based on him being upset about me not replying his SMSes. Not that I want to bring up the past, but he did that to me before so what WAS THIS? He thought that I didn't care for him because I didn't SMS him first thing in the morning and my excuse for not doing so because he was giving tuition was TOTALLY INVALID because he would even message me when he was relief teaching in school. So that was the crux eh? So, when I get upset and a build up occurs when I don't tell him I'm upset about a particular thing it is wrong but HE can DO THAT? Wow....

And my SMSing him is such a good indicator that I love him compared to me calling him first thing I can to tell him the crisis that we WOULD be facing next time, because the crisis part doesn't show at all that he's a major part of my life and I feel that he should know about it because it's to do with our future? So I told him via SMS that I shouldn't have told him about it only to find out what was actually bothering him. Splendid. Apparently, my not SMSing him the instant I wake up takes precedence over my telling him the more important thing that's gonna happen?

It's true, I did hurt his feelings by saying that he's one of the most petty guys I've met and his answer did show that he was not petty at all- a nice and crisp "Thanks".

Worms in the toilet

Ok yesterday I totally freaked myself out because like there were like worms around the sink. Got a cleaning agent andwter and totally flushed them away hahaha eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew