De Ja Vu?

Hmmm Kinda? In a way? Old feelings that I kept inside me for so long has been rekindled. Not a good thing. It's not exactly the fear and sadness that I used to feel when Jerome showed his anger and all that... but hints of them do come back. I used to say sorry a lot. I used to try to patch things back up. I used to be the one to apologise first, ask for his forgiveness first, tell him everything is alright even when his apology falls short, take all the blame and grovel for him to start talking to me again. I refuse to do such things ever again and thus I set my foot down rather firmly.

I may lose a friend. But I cannot risk losing myself again.

Some may say I am egoistic when I refuse to try to strike up a conversation to patch things back up again. But I don't think I have any other choice. I don't want to walk the same routes again. I really don't think it is the ego which drives me, more of the fear that if I were to do things like how I did with him, I'll be treated like how I was treated back then. It is something that I cannot and will not tolerate.

At the end of the day I realise that people do things that I did because they care a lot about the other party, enough to put down their pride. I think of doing it, I want to do it, but I know I cannot because if I were to fall I fear that I may not be able to climb back up again. And on the other side, if the person can do so but does not.... then... I guess my friendship does not mean much. We shall part with both sides giving the apology but without either side taking the step to reach over again to shake the other's hand as a friend....