De Ja Vu?

Hmmm Kinda? In a way? Old feelings that I kept inside me for so long has been rekindled. Not a good thing. It's not exactly the fear and sadness that I used to feel when Jerome showed his anger and all that... but hints of them do come back. I used to say sorry a lot. I used to try to patch things back up. I used to be the one to apologise first, ask for his forgiveness first, tell him everything is alright even when his apology falls short, take all the blame and grovel for him to start talking to me again. I refuse to do such things ever again and thus I set my foot down rather firmly.

I may lose a friend. But I cannot risk losing myself again.

Some may say I am egoistic when I refuse to try to strike up a conversation to patch things back up again. But I don't think I have any other choice. I don't want to walk the same routes again. I really don't think it is the ego which drives me, more of the fear that if I were to do things like how I did with him, I'll be treated like how I was treated back then. It is something that I cannot and will not tolerate.

At the end of the day I realise that people do things that I did because they care a lot about the other party, enough to put down their pride. I think of doing it, I want to do it, but I know I cannot because if I were to fall I fear that I may not be able to climb back up again. And on the other side, if the person can do so but does not.... then... I guess my friendship does not mean much. We shall part with both sides giving the apology but without either side taking the step to reach over again to shake the other's hand as a friend....

Wait...

No..... wait my last post had a "blame it on me".... NO MEL! I'm done with blaming myself. I am who I am. If people can't take it, then it's their problem. Just got to find someone who can then. And I have friends who can so it shouldn't be a problem. =)) I'm not going to move back to the old me ever again~!

I've felt this way before.

Hmmmm haven't cried over someone for awhile now. And I feel the tears coming again. Blame it on the me who goes keyboard happy and starts typing stuff that comes to mind, not know that they sound harsh or critical. Then again these stuff always happen. They are kinda out of the ordinary. Mostly when people play a fool with me I tend to laugh it off, tolerating because I see them as friends. Maybe I shouldn't do that? But I can't seem to stay angry with friends for long and that is probably my downfall. Accepting people seems so easy at first but then they see that you are ok with how they act and then they do it again and again and again. And you'd think that after that you two would get closer? But one time, you tell them stuff on your mind, and are critical with them, they can't take it. It's just not the "you" they are used to. This "new you" is so icky and harsh and critical and antagonizing. Well... it doesn't mean you can take their shit so they can take yours you know. And I guess thats where true friends stand out.

I count Victoria and Delvinder as two of my bestest friends because, well, we are tolerant to each other at times and dish out shit to each other at times. It's those times when they receive your shit yet still continue to be friends with you, that you know that they are really good friends. There can be no smooth sailing friendships. But I find accepting criticism and dishing it out are what makes friendships stronger. It's a make or break thing. And when some friendships break, well, it's better to lose those friends than continue with them, get closer to them, only to let them break you when you finally see that they can't take shit. LOL

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son,
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son,
I don't have to be anyone other than the birth of two souls in one,
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,
I don't wanna be anything other than me,

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn,
I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn,
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn,
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,
I don't wanna be anything other than me,

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave,
I came from the mountains,
The crust of creation,
My whole situation made from clay to stone,
And now I'm telling everybody,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,
I don't wanna be, hey yeah, hey yeah,
I don't wanna be, oh, oh, oh,
I don't wanna be,
I don't wanna be anything,
Anything other than me,
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
Hey yeah, yeah,
Hey yeah, yeah.

Why is my Blog named "Finding My Direction"?

It's simple. Because to me, life is all about finding my direction. To me, life is a journey where death is the end. Through life, we have to find our directions so that we can walk through the journey of life. We can take wrong or right turns. It doesn't matter. What matters is that through these turns, we find the puzzle pieces to for who we are. Life would be joyful but utterly meaningless if we get everything right the first time. For example, the person a lot of our parents want us to be- The smart and inquisitive kid, the knowledgable scholar, the high flying executive, the happy family man or wife, the old person with a large pension and then the person who died peacefully in their sleep. Yes, that would be a perfect life; there is nothing bad that happens in that life right? What what type of adventure is that? When everything falls into place just like that, and there is no pain, no hardship, no sadness and no hunger, is there any true learning? For me, the largest happiness in life is when I have done something wrong and suddenly it comes to me with a snap of the finger as to how I can make myself right again. I grow stronger through hardship. I grow fiercer through pain. I become hardier through sadness. And I become more ambitious with hunger.

When we are young, we should make mistakes. Make a ton of them if we want to. When we grow older, and the song "If I knew then what I know now" plays in our heads, we should be happy because we have grown for us to notice our mistakes. Here, there are two ways to go about it. One is to be sorrowful that we had made such mistakes. Two is being happy to finally see these mistakes and get out of it. It would be a happier case if right now we are doing fine when we are old, that means we must have done something right to counter our wrongs when we were younger. And most of the time, this is what happens. Except that people wallow in selfpity too much to realise that the success that they are today is because of their failures before and their ability to save their asses in times of crisis.

I just had a tiff with my mother. Through which she disagreed with what I had said above totally. She found it very hurtful and hard to speak to me when I think this way and she keeps telling me my mindset will change when I get older. I have never once denied that my mindset will change when I get older. In fact I expect it. What she doesn't realise is that that is what I was saying in the above; that I will be making mistakes now when I am young but will realise it in due time aka when I am older.

She has no right to say what I think is wrong. What she can say though is that this may be a mistake but I will learn that it is a mistake. We have to find our own way in life. She reminds me of Jerome, who told me off for writing what I felt on the blog, even when it was a private one. In a sense, he is telling me that my thoughts are wrong and what I think shouldn't be this way. My thoughts belong to me. No one can tell me what I should or should not think. You should be goddamned happy that I am opening up my thoughts to you. This means that I trust you enough. But for you to judge my thoughts is a disappointment to me. No matter how idiotic a person's views are, or how much against my views are their views, I never tell the person they are wrong because I feel everyone is entitled to their own thoughts. And I know that their thoughts will change in the future. So why give them flak for their thoughts now?

This is the difference between my parents and I. I believe everyone is free to think how they like. And everyone's thinking changes. When they tell me their thinking, I am honoured that they share their thoughts with me. And my thoughts are forever fluid, because change is the only constant. I promise myself not to be like my parents in this way. I do not want to have a fixed set of ideals that cannot be changed and that I want to enforce on everyone else by telling them that they are thinking it wrongly and that my way is the right way. There is no One Best Way in life. I will stand by what I think, I will debate, I will share my side of the story. But my side of the story is not fixed in stone. And I hope neither will others'.

if the amt of effort put in is not going to get me 40% and above then dont put in so much effort

ok what seems to make you wanna hold on is that you're scared you can't find a girl better than her or as good as her or as close to your match.

would you rather a girl who has a perfect character that you want but is playing you like a oyo or a girl who is a bit off what you want but not too much but loves you for everything you stand forlove is enjoyed when the other party loves you tooone sided love cannot work.

then you gotta learn there is no princess of your dreamsthere is the ms good enoughand most of the time miss good enough can make you happy.

because you're idealistic.

maybe after you've failed to have the love of all the Princess will you finally see that what you had all along was the best thing it's just that you keep giving it up for something that you dream of but can never really happenit takes a long time for some pplgotta get their heart brokenof course got some ppl find princess and live happily ever afterbut a lot of ppl don;tthey either get damn depressedor they find that actually they can be so much happier with someone who loves them.

think carefullyyou're not exactly oldmove around abitbut if you really want a r/sthen dudego for a girlwho loves younot a girl who strings you alongdont get into a r/sdate and look aroundyou dont need to pay for window shopping defind someone who you can deal with and who loves youthen go in lor.

yuppsowindow shopping is suchyou go in try a shirtyou like the colorthe styleeverythingjust thatthe size is wrongS is a bit too tightbut you can wear isit*but not comfortable at allwill you still buy it?it may be nice but it doesnt fit you at allwhy you wanna be so xin1 ku3not obliged to buy itgo other shop and seemaybe got better ones.

i'm just sayingshe's not the only girl left in the worldthe world is so bigif she and you are fatednext time somehow you will get togetherbut looking at it nowwhy waste your tiem and effort on her when you could be looking for someone better.