Many girls and guys make such a big fuss over being in a reltaionship. They change their Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blog etc etc to show that they are in a relationship with whoever they are with at the moment. They splash pictures all over walls and photo albums to declare that they are in a relationship. But what is this "relationship"? It's nothing more than a verbal agreement to be exclusive.
With no contract signed and no recording of the contract, this is hardly a contract worth mentioning. The thing about this "contract" is that it comes with certain rules and expectations that are not usually clearly stated down and are prone to different inferences. It is just like when you are signing the contract after passing a job interview to be an office administrator. They do not tell you point blank WHAT you are supposed to do, but you can hardly say that it is not in your job scope when people pass you documents to print, copy and send; you are EXPECTED to do so.
Same with a relationship. When you are together with someone, there are certain rules like not sleeping with other people, no more multiple dating, saving a certain day a week for that special someone... the list goes on. Then there are those rules that are a bit stricter which people will enter into their expectations like seeing the other party everyday, texting the person "goodnight" and "good morning", no one on one outings with anyone of the opposite sex... it depends on how far you want to take it and how crazy you can get, really.
But why sign this contract in the first place? Why can't two people be in love, but not be outrightly boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever combination)? The contract heaps on so much expectations and rules to follow that it might very well kill the romance that the relationship should be centred around. From it being a bonus and joy to see the other party when they are free, it becomes a chore to WAIT for the other party to be free to go out with you. From it being sweet when the other party randomly texts you a night goodnight message, it becomes agony when the boy/girlfriend forgets to do so. Things that were once bonuses that bring a smile to your face becomes triggers for fights when they are not given.
Is this really worth it? Why ruin love for the status and ability to tell the world that you sort of "own" the other party?
Tuesday, 31 May 2011
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
How to help a Proud person
This was my first article on WikiHow. It garnered me a lot of views and it started my wanting to help more people. Enjoy.
Many of us have people in our lives who need help one way or another. They could be our friends, our colleagues, our spouses, our relatives, our brothers and sisters and even our parents. And, of course, if these people do matter in our lives, we want to try our best to help them. But how do we help them when they are too proud to ask or accept our help?
edit Steps
1
Wait for this person to approach you. However, clearly this may not even happen if the person is too proud. Yet, this should be your first step in helping them, namely just being patient and available if needed. A proud person usually will not ask for help, but if you do approach them first, your good intentions might offend them as they would see your approaching them as a sign that they have shown you their weakness. This will lead to them not even bothering to listen to you and you might even cause them to become angry with you. It will become much harder to be of help to them after that because they will be "wary" of you and possibly even try to stay away from you when they next have a problem. Your relationship might even become strained.
For your own sake, learn How to deal with a proud person on terms that don't belittle you. Helping such a person is one thing but turning into bait for their cynicism, arrogance, and superiority is quite another.
2
Consider finding someone they respect to broach the topic with them. Usually, a proud person thinks highly of themselves; and not too highly of anyone else. However, most people have at least one person around them that they look up to, such as a mentor, an educator, a boss, or a charismatic family member. And usually this person will be the only person whose criticism and views your proud friend will accept. Find this person and get him/her to go up to the proud person and talk about their unwillingness to accept help from others and how this is potentially causing them harm. If he or she is able to advise your friend that would be great, if not they can always influence your proud friend to seek help from you or someone else who can help.
3
Give them advice but also try your best to make your "advice" seem like it is something they have thought of themselves. By now you may have gotten your proud friend to come to talk to you. That's a great step. Now is the time for giving your proud friend some advice. But how do you give advice to someone who thinks too highly of him/herself and who is not open to what you have to say? You give the advice in a way whereby it sounds like they had formulated the solution by themselves:
Use words like "Don't you think..." , "You told me before..." , "You seem to know...", "I remember that you once said/did..."
Try to make it seem like they had the answers in them all along and you're just trying to help them to remember that they already have all the solutions to their lives. Sure, this means you need to be humble but you wouldn't be trying if you didn't care enough.
4
Consider the following scenario of talking to a proud person (PP) who is going through a difficult time after a breakup with her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of the script of things to say:
(YOU): I remember that when I broke up with John you were the one who told me to be strong.
(PP): So are you telling me now that I am weak?!
(YOU): Definitely not, you're one of the strongest people I know and you were the one who helped me out so much when I was down.
(PP): Well I am not down.
(YOU): Yeah I know, you're definitely too strong. Don't you think he's not worth it though? I know you look pretty even when you cry but crying will definitely cause puffy eyes.
(PP): Well, yeah I know but don't think I can help it.
(YOU): You seem to always know what to do so come on cheer up; let's go for a movie!
5
If they need money and are too proud to accept help, offer them work that they're good at. "Oh man, I can't keep up with everything. I have to do this and I have to do that and go here and the other thing and (lawn care, baby sitting, pet sitting/feeding, dog walking, house cleaning, sorting stuff in an attic, organizing papers for tax time, fixing an old computer or home repairs, any one off odd job or recurring odd job)." Then throw the clincher. "I could hire someone for it but I don't think I'd trust someone who wasn't a friend to be around my house, pets, kids. I'll pay you what I would a professional but it would ease my mind to know it's you. They know you. You know what I want." No mention of their being unemployed, just how much you need help and trust them. Do NOT underpay the proud person when offering work, pay what you would to get a stranger from an agency to do it. You're getting better quality work and you're not risking a stranger into your home. Someone that proud is probably perfectionist and will over perform once accepting the job.
6
Finesse your approach and strategies as you proceed. Sometimes the proud person may feel resentful that you've helped them and other times they may realize that without you, they could not have managed. You might just need to accept their rollercoaster of emotions about accepting your help and simply not take it personally, ever. What is important is:
Keep your own sense of self intact; you are available for this person when it doesn't come at a great cost to yourself, in just the same way as with all your friends, family members, and other people you care about.
Notice when they are barricading themselves from your help at the expense of others in their lives, such as children or teens that they're responsible for. You can always offer to babysit or clean, or anything else – doing so might give this person the break they need to get other things done, while those they're responsible for get a break from their stubbornness.
Don't take to heart their resentment or their ever-changing, ambiguous responsiveness. Pride is a curious thing that causes people to think that they can do it all, only to trap them into doing it all, and then causing them to believe that others want them to do it all. Some of what the proud person expresses is often frustration and resentment at themselves for getting into this bind in the first place!
7
Let the proud person help you. Two proud people make for a very uncomfortable relationship. Don't be too proud to let this person help you. Indeed, the moment they do, you owe them and can swiftly remind them of the debt being repaid when you offer them help back! Choose something that comes easy to them and ask for help unselfconsciously, offer it as a bargain. "Hey, I'm lost when it comes to sorting out my taxes. You're so incredibly good with numbers and that sort of thing - I would be so grateful I'd fix your dinners for a week." (If the proud person is fighting physical disability this is a very gracious way to get them to accept that they really should not be standing at the stove cooking. And besides, they may be good at a lot of sit down things!)
8
Do things totally unrelated to helping. Chill and have fun together. It's not all about serious things; even amid the hard times when help is needed, find space for having fun together. It'll ease the tension, lighten things up, and cause the proud person to see that you really do care about them as a whole person and not just being a busybody when they're in obvious need.
9
Pray for them. Enlisting a higher force first as your accomplice can be an invaluable asset. You'll be guided when to approach and how, and the other person may directly receive an insight into his or her predicament, which they could have never seen on their own. You'll be surprised when you begin to see helping others as an opportunity to grow yourself and see for what purpose this situation has come up in your life!
Tips
Try to stroke their ego as you give advice. Being humble yourself and finding compliments for them will go a long way to breaking down their pride barrier.
Listen to them. Sometimes pride results from feeling that others don't take the time to listen, so the proud person shuts everyone out because they feel unheard. Give them the space to open up by actively listening.
Warnings
If you anger them, you might lose the friendship/relationship. If you're not confident that they will take it the right way, it's best that you leave them to deal with things on their own.
If their inability to cope is impacting people in their care, be prepared to be more forthright in your determination to help. It isn't appropriate for dependents to be harmed as a result of someone else's pride.
Often pride is a side effect of an actually very insecure persons. A lot of the seeming overconfidence is actually the person convincing ones self that they are 'great'. Which also is why many 'Proud People' are poor listeners because it is hard to hear very much else aside from the sound of their own selves convincing themselves of their superior existence.
Many of us have people in our lives who need help one way or another. They could be our friends, our colleagues, our spouses, our relatives, our brothers and sisters and even our parents. And, of course, if these people do matter in our lives, we want to try our best to help them. But how do we help them when they are too proud to ask or accept our help?
edit Steps
1
Wait for this person to approach you. However, clearly this may not even happen if the person is too proud. Yet, this should be your first step in helping them, namely just being patient and available if needed. A proud person usually will not ask for help, but if you do approach them first, your good intentions might offend them as they would see your approaching them as a sign that they have shown you their weakness. This will lead to them not even bothering to listen to you and you might even cause them to become angry with you. It will become much harder to be of help to them after that because they will be "wary" of you and possibly even try to stay away from you when they next have a problem. Your relationship might even become strained.
For your own sake, learn How to deal with a proud person on terms that don't belittle you. Helping such a person is one thing but turning into bait for their cynicism, arrogance, and superiority is quite another.
2
Consider finding someone they respect to broach the topic with them. Usually, a proud person thinks highly of themselves; and not too highly of anyone else. However, most people have at least one person around them that they look up to, such as a mentor, an educator, a boss, or a charismatic family member. And usually this person will be the only person whose criticism and views your proud friend will accept. Find this person and get him/her to go up to the proud person and talk about their unwillingness to accept help from others and how this is potentially causing them harm. If he or she is able to advise your friend that would be great, if not they can always influence your proud friend to seek help from you or someone else who can help.
3
Give them advice but also try your best to make your "advice" seem like it is something they have thought of themselves. By now you may have gotten your proud friend to come to talk to you. That's a great step. Now is the time for giving your proud friend some advice. But how do you give advice to someone who thinks too highly of him/herself and who is not open to what you have to say? You give the advice in a way whereby it sounds like they had formulated the solution by themselves:
Use words like "Don't you think..." , "You told me before..." , "You seem to know...", "I remember that you once said/did..."
Try to make it seem like they had the answers in them all along and you're just trying to help them to remember that they already have all the solutions to their lives. Sure, this means you need to be humble but you wouldn't be trying if you didn't care enough.
4
Consider the following scenario of talking to a proud person (PP) who is going through a difficult time after a breakup with her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of the script of things to say:
(YOU): I remember that when I broke up with John you were the one who told me to be strong.
(PP): So are you telling me now that I am weak?!
(YOU): Definitely not, you're one of the strongest people I know and you were the one who helped me out so much when I was down.
(PP): Well I am not down.
(YOU): Yeah I know, you're definitely too strong. Don't you think he's not worth it though? I know you look pretty even when you cry but crying will definitely cause puffy eyes.
(PP): Well, yeah I know but don't think I can help it.
(YOU): You seem to always know what to do so come on cheer up; let's go for a movie!
5
If they need money and are too proud to accept help, offer them work that they're good at. "Oh man, I can't keep up with everything. I have to do this and I have to do that and go here and the other thing and (lawn care, baby sitting, pet sitting/feeding, dog walking, house cleaning, sorting stuff in an attic, organizing papers for tax time, fixing an old computer or home repairs, any one off odd job or recurring odd job)." Then throw the clincher. "I could hire someone for it but I don't think I'd trust someone who wasn't a friend to be around my house, pets, kids. I'll pay you what I would a professional but it would ease my mind to know it's you. They know you. You know what I want." No mention of their being unemployed, just how much you need help and trust them. Do NOT underpay the proud person when offering work, pay what you would to get a stranger from an agency to do it. You're getting better quality work and you're not risking a stranger into your home. Someone that proud is probably perfectionist and will over perform once accepting the job.
6
Finesse your approach and strategies as you proceed. Sometimes the proud person may feel resentful that you've helped them and other times they may realize that without you, they could not have managed. You might just need to accept their rollercoaster of emotions about accepting your help and simply not take it personally, ever. What is important is:
Keep your own sense of self intact; you are available for this person when it doesn't come at a great cost to yourself, in just the same way as with all your friends, family members, and other people you care about.
Notice when they are barricading themselves from your help at the expense of others in their lives, such as children or teens that they're responsible for. You can always offer to babysit or clean, or anything else – doing so might give this person the break they need to get other things done, while those they're responsible for get a break from their stubbornness.
Don't take to heart their resentment or their ever-changing, ambiguous responsiveness. Pride is a curious thing that causes people to think that they can do it all, only to trap them into doing it all, and then causing them to believe that others want them to do it all. Some of what the proud person expresses is often frustration and resentment at themselves for getting into this bind in the first place!
7
Let the proud person help you. Two proud people make for a very uncomfortable relationship. Don't be too proud to let this person help you. Indeed, the moment they do, you owe them and can swiftly remind them of the debt being repaid when you offer them help back! Choose something that comes easy to them and ask for help unselfconsciously, offer it as a bargain. "Hey, I'm lost when it comes to sorting out my taxes. You're so incredibly good with numbers and that sort of thing - I would be so grateful I'd fix your dinners for a week." (If the proud person is fighting physical disability this is a very gracious way to get them to accept that they really should not be standing at the stove cooking. And besides, they may be good at a lot of sit down things!)
8
Do things totally unrelated to helping. Chill and have fun together. It's not all about serious things; even amid the hard times when help is needed, find space for having fun together. It'll ease the tension, lighten things up, and cause the proud person to see that you really do care about them as a whole person and not just being a busybody when they're in obvious need.
9
Pray for them. Enlisting a higher force first as your accomplice can be an invaluable asset. You'll be guided when to approach and how, and the other person may directly receive an insight into his or her predicament, which they could have never seen on their own. You'll be surprised when you begin to see helping others as an opportunity to grow yourself and see for what purpose this situation has come up in your life!
Tips
Try to stroke their ego as you give advice. Being humble yourself and finding compliments for them will go a long way to breaking down their pride barrier.
Listen to them. Sometimes pride results from feeling that others don't take the time to listen, so the proud person shuts everyone out because they feel unheard. Give them the space to open up by actively listening.
Warnings
If you anger them, you might lose the friendship/relationship. If you're not confident that they will take it the right way, it's best that you leave them to deal with things on their own.
If their inability to cope is impacting people in their care, be prepared to be more forthright in your determination to help. It isn't appropriate for dependents to be harmed as a result of someone else's pride.
Often pride is a side effect of an actually very insecure persons. A lot of the seeming overconfidence is actually the person convincing ones self that they are 'great'. Which also is why many 'Proud People' are poor listeners because it is hard to hear very much else aside from the sound of their own selves convincing themselves of their superior existence.
I can stroke your Ego... but...
Have you guys ever bumped into someone so stuck up, arrogant, know-it-all and so.... egoistic that many people in their lives can't stand them? I have. In fact, I am drawn to people like that. Not really. I am drawn to guys with pride. I like it when a guy is sure of himself and knows how to tell people that he knows what he is doing; smart guys are a plus because they can back up their pride with their smarts.
Thing is, you can be smart, you can be strong and you can be so good in something that it warrants you to be proud, but there is a fine, very very fine line, between pround and cocky/arrogant/MCP/just a plain ol' assh*le.
Disclaimer: I am NOT talking about any ONE person in particular. I just have this group of guys in my life who are like so and I want to blog about it.
I think guys with ego are sexy. Probably because my dad is rather egoistic. But he is something like the sort of guy that that described above. He always thinks he's right, you're wrong. He always responds but saying "No" first and then chooses if he wants to correct himself through the conversation. And it downright irks me. Think is my family is rather close so like they say, girls are influenced by their daddys to choose the type of guys they fall for and boy, the more I fall for guys, the closer to the characteristics of my dad do they seem to get.
NOT a good thing.
Thing with me is, I'm a virgo. No not the typical traditional and conservative virginal maiden, no. I'm a virgo when they say that virgos give a lot in a relationship and try to make the relationship into their own brand of perfection. While some people do so by seeking to change their guy/girl, I understand that I cannot change people and the only person I can change is myself. So I change myself. When I fall for a guy with ego, I've learnt to be extra accomodating to them, take their shit and egoisticism (if there is such a word) and boost their ego for them like a good ol' sounthern wifey-poo fawning over her husband. BLEAH!
I do that if I like you. If you're my friend I do that too because I treat you like my friend and I care for you. But the thing with me is, I can tolerate nonsense, but only to that extent. Once you reach the line and crosee it, boy, you expect me to continue taking shit from you?? Oh no you don't.
For those who have read my blog, or know me, they know I have something called the trigger point. And once the trigger is pulled, it's sayonara baby! You're not going to be treated the same by me ever again. I may be nice to you again, but don't take that as my default setting when I see you because it ain't. When I've had enough, it's enough. When in the past I can sit there and take shit, once the trigger is pulled, I can choose to stand up and leave anytime I want.
So yes, I can stroke your ego, I can make it swell. But know this, I only do so when I like you or when you're WORTHY of me to do so. It's NOT my default character to take things lying down. So when I am stroking your ego and being nice, don't push me to stop doing so and become the bitch that I can be.
Thing is, you can be smart, you can be strong and you can be so good in something that it warrants you to be proud, but there is a fine, very very fine line, between pround and cocky/arrogant/MCP/just a plain ol' assh*le.
Disclaimer: I am NOT talking about any ONE person in particular. I just have this group of guys in my life who are like so and I want to blog about it.
I think guys with ego are sexy. Probably because my dad is rather egoistic. But he is something like the sort of guy that that described above. He always thinks he's right, you're wrong. He always responds but saying "No" first and then chooses if he wants to correct himself through the conversation. And it downright irks me. Think is my family is rather close so like they say, girls are influenced by their daddys to choose the type of guys they fall for and boy, the more I fall for guys, the closer to the characteristics of my dad do they seem to get.
NOT a good thing.
Thing with me is, I'm a virgo. No not the typical traditional and conservative virginal maiden, no. I'm a virgo when they say that virgos give a lot in a relationship and try to make the relationship into their own brand of perfection. While some people do so by seeking to change their guy/girl, I understand that I cannot change people and the only person I can change is myself. So I change myself. When I fall for a guy with ego, I've learnt to be extra accomodating to them, take their shit and egoisticism (if there is such a word) and boost their ego for them like a good ol' sounthern wifey-poo fawning over her husband. BLEAH!
I do that if I like you. If you're my friend I do that too because I treat you like my friend and I care for you. But the thing with me is, I can tolerate nonsense, but only to that extent. Once you reach the line and crosee it, boy, you expect me to continue taking shit from you?? Oh no you don't.
For those who have read my blog, or know me, they know I have something called the trigger point. And once the trigger is pulled, it's sayonara baby! You're not going to be treated the same by me ever again. I may be nice to you again, but don't take that as my default setting when I see you because it ain't. When I've had enough, it's enough. When in the past I can sit there and take shit, once the trigger is pulled, I can choose to stand up and leave anytime I want.
So yes, I can stroke your ego, I can make it swell. But know this, I only do so when I like you or when you're WORTHY of me to do so. It's NOT my default character to take things lying down. So when I am stroking your ego and being nice, don't push me to stop doing so and become the bitch that I can be.
New Muay Thai Blog
Ok so I have transferred all my Muay Thai Posts to another blog, Fighting My Own Battle, so that I can better focus on that as my Muay Thai Training Journal and have this blog as my Inspiration and Inner Me blog.
I find that having a training journal really helps. I had that when our coach made us do so for canoeing in SRJC. It really does help. Hopefully I can do well in Muay Thai. Can't wait till after exams!!
I find that having a training journal really helps. I had that when our coach made us do so for canoeing in SRJC. It really does help. Hopefully I can do well in Muay Thai. Can't wait till after exams!!
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