Curbing my emotions

You know how I get PMS and like really emo and stuff... during these times my thoughts usually run amok and I start to be totally insecure. Ask Cal mann... I don't know how many time's I've cried to a friend over issues that I'm insecure about during those times.... haha But this time it's really different. True I still feel insecure but the weird thing is I'm not temperamental or anything. In fact I'm calm! =)) Baby calls it resigned but hey if you're resigned and it keeps you from wallowing in self-pity and fear, I say let everybody be resigned! Haha...

Had a talk with Baby last night. It turned out kinda heated. He doesn't like me to mention my negative thoughts I think. But I also think that it's because when I sorta tell it to him I sound like I'm complaining and there he is unable to help me. To a man, that is like a totally helpless situation and they usually get VERY frustrated about it. I'm trying to understand. I love him =)))

Also, something has been bothering my a teeny weeny bit lately. WeiYi told my if I can't imagine myself going on for a long time or even marrying the person, a relationship with the person is not worth it- then it'll just be dating and since it is so I should be able to go date like as many guys as I want LOL but there is also another view which Baby also has: we take things one step at a time. Using my own words, he said that if you don't expect too much you won't be disappointed or something to that extent you know. I guess. When we first started off, I could really imagine spending close to forever with him but when I found out that that was his stand, to take things one step at a time, I kinda conformed and accommodate and made my thinking like his. Why cause more friction with different views as to where the relationship is heading right? lol I've really changed. Honest to God I think if you asked my friends to analyse me now, they would find me very different. And like what I told Baby, the catalyst for the change is him. I guess love can do that to someone. Love can change a person, or make the person willing to change. =))

Today, Baby also told me that I should get used to him not sending me home, that he didn't do it all the time with Jane either and it should not be a habit. I guess each guy is different and I don't wanna compare him but.... you know..... sheesh.. lol. Oh and this is the first time I'm using Jane's name here. Wow I'm so impressed with myself. Usually I'm too scared of her and I shun the name like the plague but I guess the more you shun away from something, like saying "Voldermort", the worse things will get. I feared her, or should I say a memory of her. But now, I know AJ is with me and that's all that matters. =)) thus I cast away my fears and I will just ... Trust.. In him =)) Trust that he loves me, trust that he knows how much I love him and trust that he'll do the right things and avoid the wrong things. =)) That's what I have to do, give him trust =))I have tried to staunch the flow of negative thoughts: What if he cheats on me during FOC or when he stays at the hostel? What if he tires of me? What if what if what if.... If my life is ruled by 'what ifs', if this relationship is to carry the burden of all of these 'what ifs' then life won't be worth living and the relationship won't be worth having. As I see it, this relationship, along with my life means everything to me. And I'll do my very best for their survival. =))

~ Thinking of you every spare minute~