Yeah, you can be nice. You can be the nice friend that you always are, prepared to catch a grenade for your friends; be the listening ear; be the person whose shoulder they always cry upon; be the one next to them at the bar while they drink their sorrows away. It's bad when you do all that for them and after they've recovered from whatever that is ailing their mental and emotional side, they leave. But it sucks too when they appear to still be around, yet when you need help from them, they make it ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Get what I mean?
They can come to you when they have problems, but when you go to them, you start off my speaking about your problems but after the third sentence, you are the one hearing them out and consoling them. They always manage to change everything into something that has to do with them. Now ain't that irritating?
And there you thought that being a friend for them will make make them be good friends in return.... guess that was the wrong mindset..
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
How to stop overthinking in a relationship
Sometimes we tend to "think too much" or overthink. Waiting by the phone, a minute turns into years as we think of what our lover is doing, who is he talking with, whether she is attracted to the new guy at the coffee place etc. All the negativity sets in and it builds in us and consumes us and we find ourselves breaking up. We do not know what happened. And then it happens again, and again and again....
Overthinking usually introduces negativity into the relationship; and as we know, no relationship thrives on negativity. So how do we stop that from happening?
1
Conciously stop yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts running wild; be it a chanting of the person's names or the image of your lover with another guy or girl, STOP. You can scream out the word or even slap yourself on the forehead but STOP. It would take a huge amount of effort but the first step is always the most critical. If you're stopping yourself for the first time, you might not even realise it when you are thinking too much because it might be so natural for you. Here are some indications for you when you start to think too much-
You start feeling sad and depressed. Thoughts wonder to stuff like "how long is this relationship going to last?" and "I think he/she is going to break up with me."
When you find yourself clinging on to your phone waiting for the person to text you while thinking "Why haven't they texted me yet.... it's been 2 minutes already!!!"
You see that your personal blog is full of negative thoughts and fears about the relationship.
2
Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have your other half given you cause to feel this way? Have they had a history of cheating or are they being different suddenly. Try to think from a third person's point of view, whether your thoughts are ranging from unfounded to psychotic. If the other party has given you no cause to feel this way then such anxiety and overthinking is really your problem and you've got to nip it in the bud. Stop yourself, as mentioned earlier and change.
3
Find a distraction. Yes when you are thinking too much about something, the best thing you can do is find something to distract you from your own thoughts. Try not to be alone or somewhere quiet. Get your boys and girls to head to town with you for a movie or some frisbee. Go to the gym and go crazy on the new workout program you found on the internet. Bake a cake for a potluck with your girls or start up your computer for some Warcraft with your buddies.
4
Talk to your partner about it. It would be nice for you to let your partner know. It would be especially helpful if they were the ones who have given you cause to feel this way. If you think they are cheating on you, ask them. Do it nicely of course, there is no need for you to blow your top at them only to realise that the person they were seen with was actually an aunt who just came to town for a holiday. Communication is key here.
Overthinking usually introduces negativity into the relationship; and as we know, no relationship thrives on negativity. So how do we stop that from happening?
1
Conciously stop yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts running wild; be it a chanting of the person's names or the image of your lover with another guy or girl, STOP. You can scream out the word or even slap yourself on the forehead but STOP. It would take a huge amount of effort but the first step is always the most critical. If you're stopping yourself for the first time, you might not even realise it when you are thinking too much because it might be so natural for you. Here are some indications for you when you start to think too much-
You start feeling sad and depressed. Thoughts wonder to stuff like "how long is this relationship going to last?" and "I think he/she is going to break up with me."
When you find yourself clinging on to your phone waiting for the person to text you while thinking "Why haven't they texted me yet.... it's been 2 minutes already!!!"
You see that your personal blog is full of negative thoughts and fears about the relationship.
2
Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have your other half given you cause to feel this way? Have they had a history of cheating or are they being different suddenly. Try to think from a third person's point of view, whether your thoughts are ranging from unfounded to psychotic. If the other party has given you no cause to feel this way then such anxiety and overthinking is really your problem and you've got to nip it in the bud. Stop yourself, as mentioned earlier and change.
3
Find a distraction. Yes when you are thinking too much about something, the best thing you can do is find something to distract you from your own thoughts. Try not to be alone or somewhere quiet. Get your boys and girls to head to town with you for a movie or some frisbee. Go to the gym and go crazy on the new workout program you found on the internet. Bake a cake for a potluck with your girls or start up your computer for some Warcraft with your buddies.
4
Talk to your partner about it. It would be nice for you to let your partner know. It would be especially helpful if they were the ones who have given you cause to feel this way. If you think they are cheating on you, ask them. Do it nicely of course, there is no need for you to blow your top at them only to realise that the person they were seen with was actually an aunt who just came to town for a holiday. Communication is key here.
Overthinking
You'd have thought that certain people would have already learned to relax with the things in their lives. They've been through enough overthinking-times to know that thinking too much usually blows a lot of things up even when there wasn't anything wrong in the first place. When a person overthinks, they go into so many details and possibilities, they could have lived an entire lifetime just by sitting there and overthinking about their life for 5 mins.
Relationship-wise, when someone thinks too much, the same thing happens. A girl could be sitting by the phone overthinking, waiting for the guy to call, and one minute would seem like one year because of all the thoughts and negative images that go through her mind. She gets anxious the more she waits and she will thus imply stress on the guy.
You'd think that after suffering so much she'd have stopped overthinking.... but no, old habits die hard. What she should try to do is when she overthinks, or is starting, stop herself immediately and acknowledge that she is overthinking. Learn to let go. Learn to stop thinking. And as time goes by it will be so natural that you don't even think. She may start to feel that maybe you don't really love the person because you're so used to thinking about the person you love. But this is one way of protecting and loving you. And the first step to loving someone else is loving yourself so we ARE on the right track.
People change. It might feel weird and different when you change yourself, but we need to ensure our own survival. When there is draught, animals migrate; they don't stay at the place they are most farmiliar with.
Relationship-wise, when someone thinks too much, the same thing happens. A girl could be sitting by the phone overthinking, waiting for the guy to call, and one minute would seem like one year because of all the thoughts and negative images that go through her mind. She gets anxious the more she waits and she will thus imply stress on the guy.
You'd think that after suffering so much she'd have stopped overthinking.... but no, old habits die hard. What she should try to do is when she overthinks, or is starting, stop herself immediately and acknowledge that she is overthinking. Learn to let go. Learn to stop thinking. And as time goes by it will be so natural that you don't even think. She may start to feel that maybe you don't really love the person because you're so used to thinking about the person you love. But this is one way of protecting and loving you. And the first step to loving someone else is loving yourself so we ARE on the right track.
People change. It might feel weird and different when you change yourself, but we need to ensure our own survival. When there is draught, animals migrate; they don't stay at the place they are most farmiliar with.
Monday, 4 July 2011
When friends tell you "he" is a "good guy"
You've been through it before- you fall for some guy and your mutual friends reassure you that he is a "good guy" and a "nice guy". You trust what the majority, or what these people say, because they know the dude better than you. You drop your guard and you fall in love... only to find that all is not as rosy as you had expected it to be. The guy breaks your heart and cheats your feelings and you end up broken-hearted and disheartened.
And then it's like de ja vu all over again. You know a guy and your mutual friends are as encouraging as the good ol' Chinese parents were when their sons wanted to go to the capital to take the examinations to become scholars. However, would you go down that same path again? It is true that these two guys are different, but how different are things going to be? You have a choice, how do you choose?
For one, we shouldn't rush into anything. These things often get blown out of proportion because we girls rush into relationships too easily, we give our hearts too early, without sourcing for the valuable information that will protect us from harm but which will take some time to uncover. Take it slow and easy, try to enjoy the journey of getting-to-know-you rather than the whirlwind emotional roller coaster that will lead you back to square one, at the controllers.
Don't get your hopes up either. When you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. That being said, you shouldn't be like a pessimistic weeping willow and be negative about everything. It's stupid to go, "oh he's asking me out but he's gonna quit at the last minute and leave me straded at the movies so I'd better not go." Just don't bank all your hopes on this guy and take the good things that come just as an added bonus, not an expectatin.
Also, see what is being shown, not what you want to see. If he is being a jerk, don't try to cook up excuses for him thinking, "oh but they all told me he is a nice guy, so he must be having some problems that's why he's acting like that." No, if he's acting like a jerk, he probably is one.
Keep your eyes and ears open, because once you give the keys to your heart away, you ain't able to get a locksmith should you be locked out of your own heart. You'll have to make a new heart and unless you're so used to it, it can be really difficult and painful.
And then it's like de ja vu all over again. You know a guy and your mutual friends are as encouraging as the good ol' Chinese parents were when their sons wanted to go to the capital to take the examinations to become scholars. However, would you go down that same path again? It is true that these two guys are different, but how different are things going to be? You have a choice, how do you choose?
For one, we shouldn't rush into anything. These things often get blown out of proportion because we girls rush into relationships too easily, we give our hearts too early, without sourcing for the valuable information that will protect us from harm but which will take some time to uncover. Take it slow and easy, try to enjoy the journey of getting-to-know-you rather than the whirlwind emotional roller coaster that will lead you back to square one, at the controllers.
Don't get your hopes up either. When you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. That being said, you shouldn't be like a pessimistic weeping willow and be negative about everything. It's stupid to go, "oh he's asking me out but he's gonna quit at the last minute and leave me straded at the movies so I'd better not go." Just don't bank all your hopes on this guy and take the good things that come just as an added bonus, not an expectatin.
Also, see what is being shown, not what you want to see. If he is being a jerk, don't try to cook up excuses for him thinking, "oh but they all told me he is a nice guy, so he must be having some problems that's why he's acting like that." No, if he's acting like a jerk, he probably is one.
Keep your eyes and ears open, because once you give the keys to your heart away, you ain't able to get a locksmith should you be locked out of your own heart. You'll have to make a new heart and unless you're so used to it, it can be really difficult and painful.
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