Things have been a roller coaster recently. But like all things that have to come to an end. And so does this roller coaster ride. No no I'm not saying it's the end of the day at the theme park. This day at the theme park is gonna last a loooooong looooooong time. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you're just dense. Haha... Love is like a day at the theme park. For some people, it rains and the rides close and they have to cancel their day at the theme park and end it there. Sure they may find another day to visit the theme park (have another relationship) or some may just never visit the theme park again after one day of ending the theme park (maybe the rides are too scary?). There are also others who have really a LONG day at the theme park (it can last as long as their entire life time). Sure there are bound to be setbacks like the sudden closure of some rides or some cock up during some rides and it looks like the day is about to be cancelled, but then suddenly, the rides are fixed again because one of the couple or both actually try hard to find the repairman to fix the ride.
It's gonna be hard. The repair man can be found easily or it can take HELL to find him but for the day to be as long as possible, you sure gotta look for the repair man =)) Of course when he fixes the ride, there may be minor glitches before things are running smoothly again but run they will and TADAH your day carries on into oblivion.....
I want a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong day at the theme park =)) I feel like people should cherish their day at the theme park because what if suddenly you drop dead with a heart attack? You're gonna regret not cherish your day with the other person...
Love for me recently is like a big roller coaster ride in the theme park. There are times the machine stops in mid air and I think I'm gonna die. But then Somehow, I wanna put down my pride just to go through dirty shit and find the repair man. What happened to the proud Mel who wouldn't back down? I don't know, she must have fallen off and died because this Mel sure is giving a hell lot. Sometimes I do feel: hey why am I doing this? But then again as I said, you gotta enjoy your day and make it count and last as long as possible. Nothing is worth you tearing up the day. Especially not with the guy I'm with now. I'm not saying I'm gonna be the only one who has to look for the repair man. Sometimes darling has to do it too. Maybe he doesn't feel much like it sometimes so one of us has to do it and it can't be him all the time right? We couples should learn to take turns:
1 + 1 may not be equal to 2 instantly in a relationship. But at the end of the day, everything will balance out. We gotta learn to give and take but not count and be calculative about how much we give must be equals to how much we take. True love is..... giving because at the end of the day the person judging yourself will be you and if you give your 100% you know you've done your best and no regrets will come to you. =))
Friday, 11 June 2010
When you're down and out.
I have this friend of mine, whom I've mentioned in an entire post before. She's one of the nicest girls around. True true we all have our setbacks. But then again. When I feel like the whole world is on to me sometimes I, like many other girls, just need a girl friend there to rant or ask advice or merely to talk things true to get our mind thinking straight. I'm blessed to have a friend like PJ =)) She's willing to listen to sob stories, calm me down so I can think carefully, and sometimes just be a listening but comforting ear =))
I remember when I first knew her, it was via... SRJC Canoeing =)) We had a short stint of partnership on the yellow mos and went to the national juniors thingy haha... We got to the.... Semis is it? Haha...
I think, if one day I die and St Peter goes crazy and asks me to recommend a friend to go to heaven, girl you're sure to be who I tell him should be up here with me haha...
I remember when I first knew her, it was via... SRJC Canoeing =)) We had a short stint of partnership on the yellow mos and went to the national juniors thingy haha... We got to the.... Semis is it? Haha...
I think, if one day I die and St Peter goes crazy and asks me to recommend a friend to go to heaven, girl you're sure to be who I tell him should be up here with me haha...
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
I didn't expect this from you
I was tired. My eyes were shutting. I wasn't feeling good aka bad mood because of the fatigue. No hug. Jut annoyance that I wasn't happy straight away when I saw him or tell him what was wrong instantly after he asked. I'd brushed away the morning's stupid almost there arguements but heck they're coming back up anyways. If he had asked "Why did you sms me when you woke up?" And I'd said "Because I didn't wanna disturb your sleep." I'd be countered with a "As if a sms will wake me or disturb my sleep." This time it was another way round but I just shoved it under a rug all for the sake of him having a driving test soon and I didn't want an arguement hanging over his head.
I was tired and I knew I was late because I told him I wanted to be there waiting for him right after his driving test. I took a cab down. I waited for him and my eyes were closing. Coupled with the wound that was this morning when he was so cold and not understanding and in a way accusing.
I was told, after him being frustrated at me being cold and apparently ignoring him, that "I shouldn't have come. Next time don't come and meet me if you're going to treat me this way. You should go home." Yep I had enough. I had to have dinner home. But I was willing to say let's just go home and walk the dog then we go get dinner together. Yeah the tone wasn't nice. Just a tired and not in a very good mood bitch. But hey, I compromised for whom? I had to get this impatience which wasn't there when we first got together?
Today was the day he wasn't behind me when I walked away. Consistant with how his actions and mannerism has been going down hill recently. But then again, I can't say that this walking away was the same as those that I did a long time back. This time I felt I had to get away from this guy who was obviously aggressive, abusive and downright not being understanding or patient. I've had enough. The last straw came when he sent the message saying "Who needs you anyway?" Yup harsh. I was disappointed he could even say those words and I told him how I felt with tears in my eyes as I typed them
but ummm... I received a spiteful reply saying he was disappointed with my actions.
As of now, no manner of reconciliation from his side has been coming. Yup open up how you feel to get a spiteful reply. Everytime we lose contact during an arguement, I am the one who calls back to start the talk again and when we talk we resolve the crisis we're in. After what he told me about not needing me? Well he doesn't need me in his life, nor needs me to call him to resolve anything. When I let slip that one time with the word "Hate" and he left me, it cleared up with me calling him to come to me to settle things with me. I called. I've always called. But now I know, he didn't need me to call anyway.
I'm not needed people!! Now who needs me? I'm free to lend you a listening ear or shoulder because the person I was reserving them for doesn't need them anymore.
I was tired and I knew I was late because I told him I wanted to be there waiting for him right after his driving test. I took a cab down. I waited for him and my eyes were closing. Coupled with the wound that was this morning when he was so cold and not understanding and in a way accusing.
I was told, after him being frustrated at me being cold and apparently ignoring him, that "I shouldn't have come. Next time don't come and meet me if you're going to treat me this way. You should go home." Yep I had enough. I had to have dinner home. But I was willing to say let's just go home and walk the dog then we go get dinner together. Yeah the tone wasn't nice. Just a tired and not in a very good mood bitch. But hey, I compromised for whom? I had to get this impatience which wasn't there when we first got together?
Today was the day he wasn't behind me when I walked away. Consistant with how his actions and mannerism has been going down hill recently. But then again, I can't say that this walking away was the same as those that I did a long time back. This time I felt I had to get away from this guy who was obviously aggressive, abusive and downright not being understanding or patient. I've had enough. The last straw came when he sent the message saying "Who needs you anyway?" Yup harsh. I was disappointed he could even say those words and I told him how I felt with tears in my eyes as I typed them
but ummm... I received a spiteful reply saying he was disappointed with my actions.
As of now, no manner of reconciliation from his side has been coming. Yup open up how you feel to get a spiteful reply. Everytime we lose contact during an arguement, I am the one who calls back to start the talk again and when we talk we resolve the crisis we're in. After what he told me about not needing me? Well he doesn't need me in his life, nor needs me to call him to resolve anything. When I let slip that one time with the word "Hate" and he left me, it cleared up with me calling him to come to me to settle things with me. I called. I've always called. But now I know, he didn't need me to call anyway.
I'm not needed people!! Now who needs me? I'm free to lend you a listening ear or shoulder because the person I was reserving them for doesn't need them anymore.
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Question Mark
Listening to emo-song No. 1 to me now- Shontelle's Impossible. I've been feeling mixed emotions recently. Sometimes I feel tired, too tired to carry on. But carry on I did. If I were a third party, I'd tell Mel: "Babe, he's ditched you before (albeit twice) and he may do it again. Yeah sure you did it to him before but you knew that you could never let him go and you went back to him, nearly instantaneously; you went back to him babe, and that has been what you've been doing throughout the whole relationship, going back to him."
I remember I was happy. Yes angry, but he always knew what to do to make me smile again. And he's sweetness melt a hole through my anger and I changed. The Mel of today is much weaker. If I were a third party, I'd say: "You tore down your walls for someone else before and you hurt like crazy. Why have you torn down your walls again? Have you not learnt your lesson?"
I guess I am throwing caution to the wind because I really love this man. I find myself reining myself in, tearing down any walls of protection just to listen to this man and hopefully change myself to suit him. He's been doing so much for me and I know. Why? Because now I see the emptying hole which was once filled with a lot of things he did for me before; and now that those things are disappearing fast, I miss them. You always miss things that are no longer there, you always notice their importance when, they are dying out or merely gone.
I feel like we've switched roles. Once it was me who was not satisfied with him. Now it seems whatever I do doesn't satisfy him. I understand we should keep bettering ourselves but this feel crazy. It must have been hell for him too; for him to deal with my changing wants and dissatisfaction. But now, I feel happy and satisfied if I don't cry on the phone when I'm with him, don't quarrel in public or anytime when we're together. True, I'm to blame for the quarrels. But sometimes I feel, is it wrong to be pissed when he doesn't tell me something? Then I find myself kicking myself the instant I know I did a wrong turn but by then it's too late... I've messed up again.
He keeps saying things like "It's my fault... ya it's my fault... ya" and anyone could tell you he didn't mean it. He's saying stuff he doesn't mean, apologising when he doesn't feel apologetic and the reason why I want him to stop is 1) Apology is sacred; do not use it any-o-how because you wipe out the power of an apology and 2) If it goes on this way one day he'll tell me "I love you" when he doesn't mean it? Far-fetched? I don't think so because this type of things escalate; trust me I know first hand... I used to be like that with my parents too.
Uncertainty? Yes... I have that now. I used to be so sure that he'd never leave me because he was a man of his word but I'm uncertain now. He'd say sorry, sometimes I'm uncertain as to whether he means it. But I don't want to give up on him. YES PEOPLE LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID SO THERE! AND WHY CAN'T I BE STUPID FOR HIM? HE'S MY LIFE...... But I'm uncertain as to whether he sees that...
Recently uncertainties and fears keep coming up- is he with another girl or is he looking at other girls at his friend's party? Does he actually not want to see me and is just giving excuses? Does he have something to tell me? Is he tired of me? All these insecurities were not there before and the one changing factor causing this is him... Nothing else has changed other than my love for him growing stronger; but he is changing. And I feel these things when my trust has been shaken and I feel fear. Not only do I fear these insecurities, I now fear him. (see what happens when I bring down my wall and weaken myself ON PURPOSE?) Yes, I fear him. He used the imagery of a bull going at a piece of red cloth and I used an image of me being a colorblind foolish matador not knowing when I am holding a red cloth in front of him.
I wish these fears will stop. I want him back. But it was because of me that he changed. Cause and effect I guess? My retribution? My sorrow my sadness my fears my tears my emotions my strength... I feel like I'm giving my will to him and the more hold he has on it, the more cruel he becomes... I love him, foolishly, wholeheartedly. I don't think of leaving him. I hope this is the right thing to do. I want to wait for him to love me like how he did before again. And so I'll wait.
I remember I was happy. Yes angry, but he always knew what to do to make me smile again. And he's sweetness melt a hole through my anger and I changed. The Mel of today is much weaker. If I were a third party, I'd say: "You tore down your walls for someone else before and you hurt like crazy. Why have you torn down your walls again? Have you not learnt your lesson?"
I guess I am throwing caution to the wind because I really love this man. I find myself reining myself in, tearing down any walls of protection just to listen to this man and hopefully change myself to suit him. He's been doing so much for me and I know. Why? Because now I see the emptying hole which was once filled with a lot of things he did for me before; and now that those things are disappearing fast, I miss them. You always miss things that are no longer there, you always notice their importance when, they are dying out or merely gone.
I feel like we've switched roles. Once it was me who was not satisfied with him. Now it seems whatever I do doesn't satisfy him. I understand we should keep bettering ourselves but this feel crazy. It must have been hell for him too; for him to deal with my changing wants and dissatisfaction. But now, I feel happy and satisfied if I don't cry on the phone when I'm with him, don't quarrel in public or anytime when we're together. True, I'm to blame for the quarrels. But sometimes I feel, is it wrong to be pissed when he doesn't tell me something? Then I find myself kicking myself the instant I know I did a wrong turn but by then it's too late... I've messed up again.
He keeps saying things like "It's my fault... ya it's my fault... ya" and anyone could tell you he didn't mean it. He's saying stuff he doesn't mean, apologising when he doesn't feel apologetic and the reason why I want him to stop is 1) Apology is sacred; do not use it any-o-how because you wipe out the power of an apology and 2) If it goes on this way one day he'll tell me "I love you" when he doesn't mean it? Far-fetched? I don't think so because this type of things escalate; trust me I know first hand... I used to be like that with my parents too.
Uncertainty? Yes... I have that now. I used to be so sure that he'd never leave me because he was a man of his word but I'm uncertain now. He'd say sorry, sometimes I'm uncertain as to whether he means it. But I don't want to give up on him. YES PEOPLE LOVE MAKES YOU STUPID SO THERE! AND WHY CAN'T I BE STUPID FOR HIM? HE'S MY LIFE...... But I'm uncertain as to whether he sees that...
Recently uncertainties and fears keep coming up- is he with another girl or is he looking at other girls at his friend's party? Does he actually not want to see me and is just giving excuses? Does he have something to tell me? Is he tired of me? All these insecurities were not there before and the one changing factor causing this is him... Nothing else has changed other than my love for him growing stronger; but he is changing. And I feel these things when my trust has been shaken and I feel fear. Not only do I fear these insecurities, I now fear him. (see what happens when I bring down my wall and weaken myself ON PURPOSE?) Yes, I fear him. He used the imagery of a bull going at a piece of red cloth and I used an image of me being a colorblind foolish matador not knowing when I am holding a red cloth in front of him.
I wish these fears will stop. I want him back. But it was because of me that he changed. Cause and effect I guess? My retribution? My sorrow my sadness my fears my tears my emotions my strength... I feel like I'm giving my will to him and the more hold he has on it, the more cruel he becomes... I love him, foolishly, wholeheartedly. I don't think of leaving him. I hope this is the right thing to do. I want to wait for him to love me like how he did before again. And so I'll wait.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
There is something about me that not many people know about; and even for those who know, not many understand why I do it. I've often been accused of being antagonistic, the firestarter of arguements- I'm not denying these charges. Nope. I agree. I'm very opinionated (if that's even a word) haha... And I like to air my views. If there are views against mine, I believe I have a right, as my opposition does, to voice out my opinions and make it a goal to win the debate. So in many cases I am the bad person, the one starting the fights, the person who doesn't stop, who keeps harping on things etc etc. Yep, I am one horrible person.
However, I also believe in something else. I believe a relationship is a journey of growth between two parties. And to grow, one has to face the storms thrown at them and learn from each other, past mistakes and mistakes that we are still making. I am against the stand that we should just "leave it at that" because leaving something defeated and wounded but not dead is as good as breeding something that will come out again and again, stronger than before. If there is a problem, we better whack it till we totally resolve the problem. It means going at it even if it hurts like hell. At least put a stop to it.
However, there is also another school of thought. I endorse the one above, but my darling endorses this one. This one is the one that says "Ok let's just leave everything at that ok? I don't want to fight anymore I don't want us to hurt anymore". To put it bluntly, it is running away from the problem. I feel that it will help now but in the long run.... BUT then again, I feel now, that one cannot be too stuck in their ideals. It is wrong to keep rushing ahead. We should strike a balance. If we can fight when there is real cause for and stop fighting when it is just something small won't things be much better? Why not be a coward now than evoke a larger problem? =)) I have much to learn from him. And I'm only learning from him because I love him. I hope he can see this. I'mma gonna call him now, just to say sorry =))
However, I also believe in something else. I believe a relationship is a journey of growth between two parties. And to grow, one has to face the storms thrown at them and learn from each other, past mistakes and mistakes that we are still making. I am against the stand that we should just "leave it at that" because leaving something defeated and wounded but not dead is as good as breeding something that will come out again and again, stronger than before. If there is a problem, we better whack it till we totally resolve the problem. It means going at it even if it hurts like hell. At least put a stop to it.
However, there is also another school of thought. I endorse the one above, but my darling endorses this one. This one is the one that says "Ok let's just leave everything at that ok? I don't want to fight anymore I don't want us to hurt anymore". To put it bluntly, it is running away from the problem. I feel that it will help now but in the long run.... BUT then again, I feel now, that one cannot be too stuck in their ideals. It is wrong to keep rushing ahead. We should strike a balance. If we can fight when there is real cause for and stop fighting when it is just something small won't things be much better? Why not be a coward now than evoke a larger problem? =)) I have much to learn from him. And I'm only learning from him because I love him. I hope he can see this. I'mma gonna call him now, just to say sorry =))
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Suicidal Tendencies
Recently I've been having major breakdowns. I'm getting weaker and weaker by the day I feel it and I know it. I want to be strong again, but I don't know if that's what he wants of me? I know he really disliked it when I was strong and overbearing. I don't dare to tell him, but I feel he's starting to be as or even more hurtful than I ever was. Was it really me? Was I that bad? I've stopped using the knife (or razor) on myself because of him. But I find that I keep wishing it was in my hand whenever we quarrel. I am starting to not dare to tell him stuf. I'm starting to make myself weak on purpose so I don't get angry with me. But I feel like last time (the weaker he was the more angry I get) the weaker I am the more hurtful it gets. And sometimes I really want to just slam the phone down and take out a knife in the kitchen and just stab myself.
However, a knife wound done wrongly will mean 5-7 hours of painful bleeding on the floor.... and I'm sure my parents will be home by then... Drowning? Out of the question. I totally loathe the idea of not being able to breathe. It scares the crap out of me. And I know as the water hits the lungs when you panick and try to get in some air, it hurts like crazy too. Agony before nothingness.... hmmmm not really the way I wanna go. Setting myself on fire? OUCH factor at 1000000 so NO NO NO. Hmmmm hanging? Ok when you're sent to the gallows, they drop you from a great height so that you actually break your neck and die almost instantaneously instead of hanging and kicking and slowly suffocating to death so unless I can do neck-bungee from like 12 stories.... Uh-Uh.... Hmmmmmm then how about jumping off a building? Yucks splatter on the floor. You would probably be in a vegetative state instead of dying if done at a too-short-for-death height and if it's too high, you sure have a lot of time to regret and get scared before you actually die: mental torture? NAH....
I don't know, things have been running through my head more often than not recently... I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I do die? I expect to be scolded should anyone know how much I'm thinking of doing such things. But then again, I don't know how much more I can take before I'm pushed over the edge. I had these thoughts when I kept everything inside me. At those points in time yes, they were kept, all those unhappiness. Now I feel like I have to keep it on top of facing more and more piles of such things being hurled at me. I'm weak, I'm no longer strong. Can I ever be strong again? Can I be strong when the person I love didn't like me when I was strong like that? I'm stuck. I need help. I don't need anymore scoldings. I guess people do not understand me. They don't know what pushes me over the edge. Heck, I don't even know. But I do know what I want. I want someone to be there for me to hold me and tell me everything is ok. Someone to love me and tell me it's alright when we fight and assure me they still love me. I used to be one of those "someones" who did that for myself when I was down. Suddenly, I've become a coward trying to find the easier way out. But the "easier" way ain't easy at all...
However, a knife wound done wrongly will mean 5-7 hours of painful bleeding on the floor.... and I'm sure my parents will be home by then... Drowning? Out of the question. I totally loathe the idea of not being able to breathe. It scares the crap out of me. And I know as the water hits the lungs when you panick and try to get in some air, it hurts like crazy too. Agony before nothingness.... hmmmm not really the way I wanna go. Setting myself on fire? OUCH factor at 1000000 so NO NO NO. Hmmmm hanging? Ok when you're sent to the gallows, they drop you from a great height so that you actually break your neck and die almost instantaneously instead of hanging and kicking and slowly suffocating to death so unless I can do neck-bungee from like 12 stories.... Uh-Uh.... Hmmmmmm then how about jumping off a building? Yucks splatter on the floor. You would probably be in a vegetative state instead of dying if done at a too-short-for-death height and if it's too high, you sure have a lot of time to regret and get scared before you actually die: mental torture? NAH....
I don't know, things have been running through my head more often than not recently... I wonder if anyone will really miss me if I do die? I expect to be scolded should anyone know how much I'm thinking of doing such things. But then again, I don't know how much more I can take before I'm pushed over the edge. I had these thoughts when I kept everything inside me. At those points in time yes, they were kept, all those unhappiness. Now I feel like I have to keep it on top of facing more and more piles of such things being hurled at me. I'm weak, I'm no longer strong. Can I ever be strong again? Can I be strong when the person I love didn't like me when I was strong like that? I'm stuck. I need help. I don't need anymore scoldings. I guess people do not understand me. They don't know what pushes me over the edge. Heck, I don't even know. But I do know what I want. I want someone to be there for me to hold me and tell me everything is ok. Someone to love me and tell me it's alright when we fight and assure me they still love me. I used to be one of those "someones" who did that for myself when I was down. Suddenly, I've become a coward trying to find the easier way out. But the "easier" way ain't easy at all...
Nice website: http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/5169723
Hello visitors from Google, please read this important message from the Shroomery Staff:
Suicidal thoughts are common during different phases of life, but even in the deepest depths of abysmal despair and utter hopelessness, people emerge to find a sense of peace and a gratifying life worth living. In this day and age we have great means to alleviate mental or physical anguish and suffering, even compared to five years ago. We implore you to consider less permanent and devastating solutions.
Acute suicidal thoughts and concrete planning constitute a valid medical emergency and should preferentially be dealt with by medical specialists. A web community lacks the professional attitude and effective strategies to handle such emergencies. It is of little use, and perhaps unfair, to lay this situation on strangers who are powerless to help. If you are in this kind of emergency, please reach out to your friends and loved ones and get trained assistance. It is legitimate to call 911 (USA), 112 (Europe) or your regional emergency services if necessary.
For non-acute matters of life and health, please feel free to post here (anonymously if you like). We have members and moderators who are eager to listen and provide support. Many people find it therapeutic just to honestly discuss their problems with an empathetic audience.
Please be safe, and if at all possible, stay with us for many more years to come.
-- The Shroomery Administrators & Moderators
Suicidal thoughts are common during different phases of life, but even in the deepest depths of abysmal despair and utter hopelessness, people emerge to find a sense of peace and a gratifying life worth living. In this day and age we have great means to alleviate mental or physical anguish and suffering, even compared to five years ago. We implore you to consider less permanent and devastating solutions.
Acute suicidal thoughts and concrete planning constitute a valid medical emergency and should preferentially be dealt with by medical specialists. A web community lacks the professional attitude and effective strategies to handle such emergencies. It is of little use, and perhaps unfair, to lay this situation on strangers who are powerless to help. If you are in this kind of emergency, please reach out to your friends and loved ones and get trained assistance. It is legitimate to call 911 (USA), 112 (Europe) or your regional emergency services if necessary.
For non-acute matters of life and health, please feel free to post here (anonymously if you like). We have members and moderators who are eager to listen and provide support. Many people find it therapeutic just to honestly discuss their problems with an empathetic audience.
Please be safe, and if at all possible, stay with us for many more years to come.
-- The Shroomery Administrators & Moderators
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