Finding my direction

When people make it seem that everything is about them all the time

2011-07-16T20:28:00.002+08:00

Yeah, you can be nice. You can be the nice friend that you always are, prepared to catch a grenade for your friends; be the listening ear; be the person whose shoulder they always cry upon; be the one next to them at the bar while they drink their sorrows away. It's bad when you do all that for them and after they've recovered from whatever that is ailing their mental and emotional side, they leave. But it sucks too when they appear to still be around, yet when you need help from them, they make it ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Get what I mean?

They can come to you when they have problems, but when you go to them, you start off my speaking about your problems but after the third sentence, you are the one hearing them out and consoling them. They always manage to change everything into something that has to do with them. Now ain't that irritating?

And there you thought that being a friend for them will make make them be good friends in return.... guess that was the wrong mindset..

How to stop overthinking in a relationship

2011-07-06T22:51:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we tend to "think too much" or overthink. Waiting by the phone, a minute turns into years as we think of what our lover is doing, who is he talking with, whether she is attracted to the new guy at the coffee place etc. All the negativity sets in and it builds in us and consumes us and we find ourselves breaking up. We do not know what happened. And then it happens again, and again and again....

Overthinking usually introduces negativity into the relationship; and as we know, no relationship thrives on negativity. So how do we stop that from happening?

1
Conciously stop yourself. Whenever you find your thoughts running wild; be it a chanting of the person's names or the image of your lover with another guy or girl, STOP. You can scream out the word or even slap yourself on the forehead but STOP. It would take a huge amount of effort but the first step is always the most critical. If you're stopping yourself for the first time, you might not even realise it when you are thinking too much because it might be so natural for you. Here are some indications for you when you start to think too much-
You start feeling sad and depressed. Thoughts wonder to stuff like "how long is this relationship going to last?" and "I think he/she is going to break up with me."
When you find yourself clinging on to your phone waiting for the person to text you while thinking "Why haven't they texted me yet.... it's been 2 minutes already!!!"
You see that your personal blog is full of negative thoughts and fears about the relationship.

2
Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have your other half given you cause to feel this way? Have they had a history of cheating or are they being different suddenly. Try to think from a third person's point of view, whether your thoughts are ranging from unfounded to psychotic. If the other party has given you no cause to feel this way then such anxiety and overthinking is really your problem and you've got to nip it in the bud. Stop yourself, as mentioned earlier and change.

3
Find a distraction. Yes when you are thinking too much about something, the best thing you can do is find something to distract you from your own thoughts. Try not to be alone or somewhere quiet. Get your boys and girls to head to town with you for a movie or some frisbee. Go to the gym and go crazy on the new workout program you found on the internet. Bake a cake for a potluck with your girls or start up your computer for some Warcraft with your buddies.

4
Talk to your partner about it. It would be nice for you to let your partner know. It would be especially helpful if they were the ones who have given you cause to feel this way. If you think they are cheating on you, ask them. Do it nicely of course, there is no need for you to blow your top at them only to realise that the person they were seen with was actually an aunt who just came to town for a holiday. Communication is key here.

Overthinking

2011-07-06T01:46:00.003+08:00

You'd have thought that certain people would have already learned to relax with the things in their lives. They've been through enough overthinking-times to know that thinking too much usually blows a lot of things up even when there wasn't anything wrong in the first place. When a person overthinks, they go into so many details and possibilities, they could have lived an entire lifetime just by sitting there and overthinking about their life for 5 mins.

Relationship-wise, when someone thinks too much, the same thing happens. A girl could be sitting by the phone overthinking, waiting for the guy to call, and one minute would seem like one year because of all the thoughts and negative images that go through her mind. She gets anxious the more she waits and she will thus imply stress on the guy.

You'd think that after suffering so much she'd have stopped overthinking.... but no, old habits die hard. What she should try to do is when she overthinks, or is starting, stop herself immediately and acknowledge that she is overthinking. Learn to let go. Learn to stop thinking. And as time goes by it will be so natural that you don't even think. She may start to feel that maybe you don't really love the person because you're so used to thinking about the person you love. But this is one way of protecting and loving you. And the first step to loving someone else is loving yourself so we ARE on the right track.

People change. It might feel weird and different when you change yourself, but we need to ensure our own survival. When there is draught, animals migrate; they don't stay at the place they are most farmiliar with.

When friends tell you "he" is a "good guy"

2011-07-04T21:18:00.002+08:00

You've been through it before- you fall for some guy and your mutual friends reassure you that he is a "good guy" and a "nice guy". You trust what the majority, or what these people say, because they know the dude better than you. You drop your guard and you fall in love... only to find that all is not as rosy as you had expected it to be. The guy breaks your heart and cheats your feelings and you end up broken-hearted and disheartened.

And then it's like de ja vu all over again. You know a guy and your mutual friends are as encouraging as the good ol' Chinese parents were when their sons wanted to go to the capital to take the examinations to become scholars. However, would you go down that same path again? It is true that these two guys are different, but how different are things going to be? You have a choice, how do you choose?

For one, we shouldn't rush into anything. These things often get blown out of proportion because we girls rush into relationships too easily, we give our hearts too early, without sourcing for the valuable information that will protect us from harm but which will take some time to uncover. Take it slow and easy, try to enjoy the journey of getting-to-know-you rather than the whirlwind emotional roller coaster that will lead you back to square one, at the controllers.

Don't get your hopes up either. When you don't hope, you won't be disappointed. That being said, you shouldn't be like a pessimistic weeping willow and be negative about everything. It's stupid to go, "oh he's asking me out but he's gonna quit at the last minute and leave me straded at the movies so I'd better not go." Just don't bank all your hopes on this guy and take the good things that come just as an added bonus, not an expectatin.

Also, see what is being shown, not what you want to see. If he is being a jerk, don't try to cook up excuses for him thinking, "oh but they all told me he is a nice guy, so he must be having some problems that's why he's acting like that." No, if he's acting like a jerk, he probably is one.

Keep your eyes and ears open, because once you give the keys to your heart away, you ain't able to get a locksmith should you be locked out of your own heart. You'll have to make a new heart and unless you're so used to it, it can be really difficult and painful.

People in your life

2011-06-26T22:58:00.002+08:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason. And the people in your life, well, you meet them for certain reasons too. Of course I am not talking about the superficial reasons like getting to know the hot girl in the library or getting the number of a banker who could help you in your investments. I am talking about a deeper issue. The term "life lesson" comes to mind; and life is basically a journey in which one goes through learning whatever they have or are supposed to learn.

People appear in your life to put you through certain events and happenings so that you learn from them. These occurences may be pleasant and they may be downright dreadful. But they happen. Instead of thinking that fate has dealt you a cruel hand, ask yourself first, why did it happen. Your answer should be, for you to learn something out of the event.

The next question would then be: so, what have I learned? There is no point being bitter about anything. You could have gone through a horrible break up, you could have flunked your whole year, you could have been kicked out of the school's basketball team, you could even have lost a limb. A weak person would hide away from reality and think that they should give up on their dreams, their goals, even their lives. A strong person would ask, what now? (There is the exception of people who think they have learned all they need to and are contented with the way things are and how they have settled it and are ready to move on into the afterlife because there is nothing left in life to live for anymore. They are a different matter.)

Linking the above paragraph to the topic, people come and go. They appear in your life for a reason. It might be to help you realize a point which you have never been able to see before, it might be to screw you up. It doesn't matter. They appeared, for a reason. Your job is to find out what the reason is. A boyfriend who cheated on you could make you realize that you trust people too easily and you have to start protecting yourself. A friend could help you realize that life is just a mere dream and when you think you've had enough, it's up to you whether you want to end it or not. A critical person could help you realize that criticising other people's choices doesn't do anyone any good at all and that by doing so you would be narrowing your views in life.

As mentioned, people come and go. It doesn't matter when people appear and it matters just as little when they leave; as long as you learned something with the time you spent with them. Then your life would not be lived in vain, interacting with people will not have been a total waste of time. Because if you have learned nothing, then you'll probably be doing far better dead than alive, for living without learning and experiencing is not living at all.

Why status destroys a relationship

2011-05-31T15:46:00.003+08:00

Many girls and guys make such a big fuss over being in a reltaionship. They change their Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blog etc etc to show that they are in a relationship with whoever they are with at the moment. They splash pictures all over walls and photo albums to declare that they are in a relationship. But what is this "relationship"? It's nothing more than a verbal agreement to be exclusive.

With no contract signed and no recording of the contract, this is hardly a contract worth mentioning. The thing about this "contract" is that it comes with certain rules and expectations that are not usually clearly stated down and are prone to different inferences. It is just like when you are signing the contract after passing a job interview to be an office administrator. They do not tell you point blank WHAT you are supposed to do, but you can hardly say that it is not in your job scope when people pass you documents to print, copy and send; you are EXPECTED to do so.

Same with a relationship. When you are together with someone, there are certain rules like not sleeping with other people, no more multiple dating, saving a certain day a week for that special someone... the list goes on. Then there are those rules that are a bit stricter which people will enter into their expectations like seeing the other party everyday, texting the person "goodnight" and "good morning", no one on one outings with anyone of the opposite sex... it depends on how far you want to take it and how crazy you can get, really.

But why sign this contract in the first place? Why can't two people be in love, but not be outrightly boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever combination)? The contract heaps on so much expectations and rules to follow that it might very well kill the romance that the relationship should be centred around. From it being a bonus and joy to see the other party when they are free, it becomes a chore to WAIT for the other party to be free to go out with you. From it being sweet when the other party randomly texts you a night goodnight message, it becomes agony when the boy/girlfriend forgets to do so. Things that were once bonuses that bring a smile to your face becomes triggers for fights when they are not given.
Is this really worth it? Why ruin love for the status and ability to tell the world that you sort of "own" the other party?

How to help a Proud person

2011-05-03T16:29:00.003+08:00

This was my first article on WikiHow. It garnered me a lot of views and it started my wanting to help more people. Enjoy.

Many of us have people in our lives who need help one way or another. They could be our friends, our colleagues, our spouses, our relatives, our brothers and sisters and even our parents. And, of course, if these people do matter in our lives, we want to try our best to help them. But how do we help them when they are too proud to ask or accept our help?
edit Steps

1
Wait for this person to approach you. However, clearly this may not even happen if the person is too proud. Yet, this should be your first step in helping them, namely just being patient and available if needed. A proud person usually will not ask for help, but if you do approach them first, your good intentions might offend them as they would see your approaching them as a sign that they have shown you their weakness. This will lead to them not even bothering to listen to you and you might even cause them to become angry with you. It will become much harder to be of help to them after that because they will be "wary" of you and possibly even try to stay away from you when they next have a problem. Your relationship might even become strained.
For your own sake, learn How to deal with a proud person on terms that don't belittle you. Helping such a person is one thing but turning into bait for their cynicism, arrogance, and superiority is quite another.

2
Consider finding someone they respect to broach the topic with them. Usually, a proud person thinks highly of themselves; and not too highly of anyone else. However, most people have at least one person around them that they look up to, such as a mentor, an educator, a boss, or a charismatic family member. And usually this person will be the only person whose criticism and views your proud friend will accept. Find this person and get him/her to go up to the proud person and talk about their unwillingness to accept help from others and how this is potentially causing them harm. If he or she is able to advise your friend that would be great, if not they can always influence your proud friend to seek help from you or someone else who can help.

3
Give them advice but also try your best to make your "advice" seem like it is something they have thought of themselves. By now you may have gotten your proud friend to come to talk to you. That's a great step. Now is the time for giving your proud friend some advice. But how do you give advice to someone who thinks too highly of him/herself and who is not open to what you have to say? You give the advice in a way whereby it sounds like they had formulated the solution by themselves:
Use words like "Don't you think..." , "You told me before..." , "You seem to know...", "I remember that you once said/did..."
Try to make it seem like they had the answers in them all along and you're just trying to help them to remember that they already have all the solutions to their lives. Sure, this means you need to be humble but you wouldn't be trying if you didn't care enough.

4
Consider the following scenario of talking to a proud person (PP) who is going through a difficult time after a breakup with her boyfriend. It will give you an idea of the script of things to say:
(YOU): I remember that when I broke up with John you were the one who told me to be strong.
(PP): So are you telling me now that I am weak?!
(YOU): Definitely not, you're one of the strongest people I know and you were the one who helped me out so much when I was down.
(PP): Well I am not down.
(YOU): Yeah I know, you're definitely too strong. Don't you think he's not worth it though? I know you look pretty even when you cry but crying will definitely cause puffy eyes.
(PP): Well, yeah I know but don't think I can help it.
(YOU): You seem to always know what to do so come on cheer up; let's go for a movie!

5
If they need money and are too proud to accept help, offer them work that they're good at. "Oh man, I can't keep up with everything. I have to do this and I have to do that and go here and the other thing and (lawn care, baby sitting, pet sitting/feeding, dog walking, house cleaning, sorting stuff in an attic, organizing papers for tax time, fixing an old computer or home repairs, any one off odd job or recurring odd job)." Then throw the clincher. "I could hire someone for it but I don't think I'd trust someone who wasn't a friend to be around my house, pets, kids. I'll pay you what I would a professional but it would ease my mind to know it's you. They know you. You know what I want." No mention of their being unemployed, just how much you need help and trust them. Do NOT underpay the proud person when offering work, pay what you would to get a stranger from an agency to do it. You're getting better quality work and you're not risking a stranger into your home. Someone that proud is probably perfectionist and will over perform once accepting the job.

6
Finesse your approach and strategies as you proceed. Sometimes the proud person may feel resentful that you've helped them and other times they may realize that without you, they could not have managed. You might just need to accept their rollercoaster of emotions about accepting your help and simply not take it personally, ever. What is important is:
Keep your own sense of self intact; you are available for this person when it doesn't come at a great cost to yourself, in just the same way as with all your friends, family members, and other people you care about.
Notice when they are barricading themselves from your help at the expense of others in their lives, such as children or teens that they're responsible for. You can always offer to babysit or clean, or anything else – doing so might give this person the break they need to get other things done, while those they're responsible for get a break from their stubbornness.
Don't take to heart their resentment or their ever-changing, ambiguous responsiveness. Pride is a curious thing that causes people to think that they can do it all, only to trap them into doing it all, and then causing them to believe that others want them to do it all. Some of what the proud person expresses is often frustration and resentment at themselves for getting into this bind in the first place!

7
Let the proud person help you. Two proud people make for a very uncomfortable relationship. Don't be too proud to let this person help you. Indeed, the moment they do, you owe them and can swiftly remind them of the debt being repaid when you offer them help back! Choose something that comes easy to them and ask for help unselfconsciously, offer it as a bargain. "Hey, I'm lost when it comes to sorting out my taxes. You're so incredibly good with numbers and that sort of thing - I would be so grateful I'd fix your dinners for a week." (If the proud person is fighting physical disability this is a very gracious way to get them to accept that they really should not be standing at the stove cooking. And besides, they may be good at a lot of sit down things!)

8
Do things totally unrelated to helping. Chill and have fun together. It's not all about serious things; even amid the hard times when help is needed, find space for having fun together. It'll ease the tension, lighten things up, and cause the proud person to see that you really do care about them as a whole person and not just being a busybody when they're in obvious need.

9
Pray for them. Enlisting a higher force first as your accomplice can be an invaluable asset. You'll be guided when to approach and how, and the other person may directly receive an insight into his or her predicament, which they could have never seen on their own. You'll be surprised when you begin to see helping others as an opportunity to grow yourself and see for what purpose this situation has come up in your life!

Tips

Try to stroke their ego as you give advice. Being humble yourself and finding compliments for them will go a long way to breaking down their pride barrier.
Listen to them. Sometimes pride results from feeling that others don't take the time to listen, so the proud person shuts everyone out because they feel unheard. Give them the space to open up by actively listening.

Warnings

If you anger them, you might lose the friendship/relationship. If you're not confident that they will take it the right way, it's best that you leave them to deal with things on their own.
If their inability to cope is impacting people in their care, be prepared to be more forthright in your determination to help. It isn't appropriate for dependents to be harmed as a result of someone else's pride.
Often pride is a side effect of an actually very insecure persons. A lot of the seeming overconfidence is actually the person convincing ones self that they are 'great'. Which also is why many 'Proud People' are poor listeners because it is hard to hear very much else aside from the sound of their own selves convincing themselves of their superior existence.

I can stroke your Ego... but...

2011-05-03T07:09:00.004+08:00

Have you guys ever bumped into someone so stuck up, arrogant, know-it-all and so.... egoistic that many people in their lives can't stand them? I have. In fact, I am drawn to people like that. Not really. I am drawn to guys with pride. I like it when a guy is sure of himself and knows how to tell people that he knows what he is doing; smart guys are a plus because they can back up their pride with their smarts.

Thing is, you can be smart, you can be strong and you can be so good in something that it warrants you to be proud, but there is a fine, very very fine line, between pround and cocky/arrogant/MCP/just a plain ol' assh*le.

Disclaimer: I am NOT talking about any ONE person in particular. I just have this group of guys in my life who are like so and I want to blog about it.

I think guys with ego are sexy. Probably because my dad is rather egoistic. But he is something like the sort of guy that that described above. He always thinks he's right, you're wrong. He always responds but saying "No" first and then chooses if he wants to correct himself through the conversation. And it downright irks me. Think is my family is rather close so like they say, girls are influenced by their daddys to choose the type of guys they fall for and boy, the more I fall for guys, the closer to the characteristics of my dad do they seem to get.

NOT a good thing.

Thing with me is, I'm a virgo. No not the typical traditional and conservative virginal maiden, no. I'm a virgo when they say that virgos give a lot in a relationship and try to make the relationship into their own brand of perfection. While some people do so by seeking to change their guy/girl, I understand that I cannot change people and the only person I can change is myself. So I change myself. When I fall for a guy with ego, I've learnt to be extra accomodating to them, take their shit and egoisticism (if there is such a word) and boost their ego for them like a good ol' sounthern wifey-poo fawning over her husband. BLEAH!

I do that if I like you. If you're my friend I do that too because I treat you like my friend and I care for you. But the thing with me is, I can tolerate nonsense, but only to that extent. Once you reach the line and crosee it, boy, you expect me to continue taking shit from you?? Oh no you don't.

For those who have read my blog, or know me, they know I have something called the trigger point. And once the trigger is pulled, it's sayonara baby! You're not going to be treated the same by me ever again. I may be nice to you again, but don't take that as my default setting when I see you because it ain't. When I've had enough, it's enough. When in the past I can sit there and take shit, once the trigger is pulled, I can choose to stand up and leave anytime I want.

So yes, I can stroke your ego, I can make it swell. But know this, I only do so when I like you or when you're WORTHY of me to do so. It's NOT my default character to take things lying down. So when I am stroking your ego and being nice, don't push me to stop doing so and become the bitch that I can be.

New Muay Thai Blog

2011-05-03T07:06:00.002+08:00

Ok so I have transferred all my Muay Thai Posts to another blog, Fighting My Own Battle, so that I can better focus on that as my Muay Thai Training Journal and have this blog as my Inspiration and Inner Me blog.

I find that having a training journal really helps. I had that when our coach made us do so for canoeing in SRJC. It really does help. Hopefully I can do well in Muay Thai. Can't wait till after exams!!

Relationships: "Window Shopping"

2011-04-26T13:13:00.003+08:00

A few months back, I had a conversation with a friend who was having problems wooing a girl and he was rather stressed up about it. I gave him the idea of window shopping.

A relationship is not an easy process; neither is it something that will make you happy all the time. It is something that has a lot of ups and downs and sometimes there will be consecutive "down-times" which will drain you emotionally and physically. Thus, a relationship is not something for you to jump into that quickly. That's why we have "Window Shopping".

We "window shop" until we find a suitable article of clothing for us to part our money with; tranlated into relationship terms, we go about looking at the various choices of people until we find one that fits our criteria and is worth us spending our time and effort to build a relationship with.

One thing about Window Shopping is that we have to take our time and understand that as long as our "money" is with us, no one can force us to part with the "money" to invest it in them. If the color of the shirt isn't what we want, don't buy it. If the sleeves are too short, don't buy it. If there are too few buttons for your liking, don't buy it.

Sometimes, we come across a shirt that has everything we want in it's design, like my friend did; the buttons were the perfect shape, the color was his favourite, the shirt would make him look awesome. The only thing is, it was one size too small. In relationship terms, the girl was perfect, everything he wanted in a future wife, but she didn't appear interested and was stringing him along. So there is that one flaw. And that one flaw would be a fatal flaw.

So I asked him, given that you are window shopping and you fell for this "shirt" but you know that it is one size too small, why force yourself into the shirt and wear it knowing it will be uncomfortable? The "Mall" is so big, just go to a new store and find a better "Shirt" out there.

To me there is no such thing as "The Best", there is only the "Good Enough For You". There will always be someone better out there, all we do is to open our eyes to look. But when you find someone who is good enough for you and settle down... well that's that then. But till then, feel free to window shop so that you do not invest in a "shirt" that will make you part with your money and then give you problems like color running and shrinking. Buy a shirt that fits.

Teenage Angst

2011-04-26T12:57:00.003+08:00

I wrote this awhile back when I was having problems with my parents. My views may have shifted since than but they are still valid for many teens out there.

All Parents damage their kids; one way or another. They can damage in the form of physical abuse and also emotional abuse; and the thing is, most parents never ever think that they are in the wrong. Maybe it’s the Asian way where by the elders are always right and they are usually too proud to ever acknowledge that they are wrong. But then again I seldom hear of parents apologising to their kids.

To me, emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been physically abused and all, unlike the Child Called It, but I sure as hell have been emotionally abused. Every. Single. Day. There is not one day of rest in this turmoil that I go through. My folks hurl abuse like they are hurling snowballs in a snow fight. They say stuff like I’m worse than a dog, they do not understand why they have a daughter like me, why can’t I be like so-and-so, you’re worse than a boy (because I didn’t help out much, in their eyes, in the house moving... like what????), bloody hell, you can go to hell, etc etc.

Alright, this may not be the worse but you get my drift. Imagine having needles poked into you every day. Accumulated, it hurts. Some of the stuff they say are in mandarin and the meaning is hard to put across so I’ll skip those. But hey, think about it, you have enemies outside who call you all the shit that they can. You come home, and you hear the same shit from people who swear they “are the ones who love you the most in the world.” Doesn’t make sense to me. I know some people might say they do this for your own good but come on people, deep down you know it’s for your own good but come take this every single day and tell me if you won’t hate them enough to forget that it’s for your own good and want to take a cleaver and slice them into two. Many small things build up to become one huge problem.

So..... please do think before you act parents. And to those who are gonna be parents, I guess we will have to remember that kids are human and they grow and they have the same capacity to love, or hate, as we do. You don’t want to be hated by the people whom you claim to love the most in the world, jolly well think before you say or do any shit.

Start Loving Yourself

2011-04-26T11:54:00.006+08:00

"You know you truely love yourself when you find that Break Outs hurt you more than Break Ups" - Me

Yep I sincerely believe in what I said above. When you have a break out and you flip because you love yourself and you do not want to be in that state where your beauty is being demolished by pimples, it shows that you care about yourself. When you break up and you cry and mop around it's because you feel like you've lost someone. WHO THE HELL DOES THIS SOMEONE THINK HE OR SHE IS?? Why do you have to cry over them??

It's fine for you to cry over your beauty, girl! Because YOU are important. So love yourself because there ain't anyone more important than you! So dry them tears for that no-good-son-of-a-bitch who screwed you up and save them tears for emergencies involving you!

Protecting yourself: The Wall

2011-04-10T23:49:00.003+08:00

It's a shame how so many of us get taken in by fakeness... When I see what I see now, I feel pity for the people taken in by the false front; I am also amused though, which is weird for I should be feeling upset? Haha, I guess I've really proven my point, gone were the days where I will feel sad or torment myself with "what-ifs" and memories.

I always like to say "to each his own". I am happy that I am moving forward and actually learning (yes I am still capable at learning at past 20) LOL. I see that people who hide themselves very well can put on a mask very well because they have made themselves into a blank wall with which no one can figure out. It is thus very easy for them to draw out whatever they want people to see and as people do not know of the meaning of the blank wall, they take the newly decorated wall as the actual image of the person.
A smart technique; I have to give them that.

However, once you knock down the wall everything becomes much clearer. You see that behind the wall is a room and it is in this clutter or emptiness that is the person's true self. Once you knock down the wall, and you know how everything was actually an illusion, a distraction, you can never bring the wall back up again. It will be hard to trust that particular person again because you will forever be on your guard.

The worst thing is when you already know about the mask, and know that you should be on guard, yet, you let your guard slip as you admire the graffiti on the wall and soon you get taken in by it. The only way out is to finally see that it is a wall again. Then you can get out of it.

I pity those who have the come up against such walls, but I am proud of those who have seen through them. Yet I seek to learn the technique to build such walls as they may come in handy. After all, the other extreme, the open book, will make us suffer more hurt than if we were to have a wall.

Honestly?

2011-04-09T23:46:00.002+08:00

I find no need to share my feelings and thoughts with someone who doesn't share theirs with me. Why keep asking all the questions and I have to keep answering them? I refuse. And if the friendship turns sour, they only have themselves to blame. May God bless them that one day they will know why majority of the world don't like them.

Did you really think I was that weak?

2011-04-09T22:48:00.003+08:00

I did. In fact I never knew I was this strong. It was only after talking to a good friend that I realised what the situation was in front of me. I was out to prove something to myself. And it was a bonus that the process was rather enjoyable too. All this time I was actually giving myself an illusion because I was so used to a specific sort of situation. In the end I realise that I put myself in that position for a mission. I was like a spy who had lost his identity and memory during the mission and was totally drawn into it and suddenly, I remembered what I started out to do. I woke up. And waking up never felt so good because it was like a spark and suddenly the mission was complete. It was that easy. I've said this before, I work with triggers; and today I found my trigger and the bullet just exploded from the barrel. I am thankful for this mission though, learned a lot, and I mean a lot be it physically or emotionally.

Mission Complete; Pack up.

:)

2011-04-05T01:44:00.002+08:00

I honestly think I'm kinda blessed. Hahahaha.... When you are in situations whereby each time round, it gets better and better, well, you should be real happy. Ofcourse when you hit the best and then the next plummets to be below average you kinda get sad hahahaa..

Right now... all I got to focus on about this is not to fall in love. Shouldn't be a problem.... right?....

Today

2011-04-03T03:40:00.000+08:00

Well... today... I took a gamble =))

April Fool's day

2011-04-01T01:12:00.003+08:00

Hahaha... oh Cadeo~ LOL My first victim!!! Haven't done a prank in forever!!! Actually I've not done it before at all!! LOL

De Ja Vu?

2011-03-31T02:37:00.003+08:00

Hmmm Kinda? In a way? Old feelings that I kept inside me for so long has been rekindled. Not a good thing. It's not exactly the fear and sadness that I used to feel when Jerome showed his anger and all that... but hints of them do come back. I used to say sorry a lot. I used to try to patch things back up. I used to be the one to apologise first, ask for his forgiveness first, tell him everything is alright even when his apology falls short, take all the blame and grovel for him to start talking to me again. I refuse to do such things ever again and thus I set my foot down rather firmly.

I may lose a friend. But I cannot risk losing myself again.

Some may say I am egoistic when I refuse to try to strike up a conversation to patch things back up again. But I don't think I have any other choice. I don't want to walk the same routes again. I really don't think it is the ego which drives me, more of the fear that if I were to do things like how I did with him, I'll be treated like how I was treated back then. It is something that I cannot and will not tolerate.

At the end of the day I realise that people do things that I did because they care a lot about the other party, enough to put down their pride. I think of doing it, I want to do it, but I know I cannot because if I were to fall I fear that I may not be able to climb back up again. And on the other side, if the person can do so but does not.... then... I guess my friendship does not mean much. We shall part with both sides giving the apology but without either side taking the step to reach over again to shake the other's hand as a friend....

Wait...

2011-03-29T02:52:00.001+08:00

No..... wait my last post had a "blame it on me".... NO MEL! I'm done with blaming myself. I am who I am. If people can't take it, then it's their problem. Just got to find someone who can then. And I have friends who can so it shouldn't be a problem. =)) I'm not going to move back to the old me ever again~!

I've felt this way before.

2011-03-29T02:38:00.002+08:00

Hmmmm haven't cried over someone for awhile now. And I feel the tears coming again. Blame it on the me who goes keyboard happy and starts typing stuff that comes to mind, not know that they sound harsh or critical. Then again these stuff always happen. They are kinda out of the ordinary. Mostly when people play a fool with me I tend to laugh it off, tolerating because I see them as friends. Maybe I shouldn't do that? But I can't seem to stay angry with friends for long and that is probably my downfall. Accepting people seems so easy at first but then they see that you are ok with how they act and then they do it again and again and again. And you'd think that after that you two would get closer? But one time, you tell them stuff on your mind, and are critical with them, they can't take it. It's just not the "you" they are used to. This "new you" is so icky and harsh and critical and antagonizing. Well... it doesn't mean you can take their shit so they can take yours you know. And I guess thats where true friends stand out.

I count Victoria and Delvinder as two of my bestest friends because, well, we are tolerant to each other at times and dish out shit to each other at times. It's those times when they receive your shit yet still continue to be friends with you, that you know that they are really good friends. There can be no smooth sailing friendships. But I find accepting criticism and dishing it out are what makes friendships stronger. It's a make or break thing. And when some friendships break, well, it's better to lose those friends than continue with them, get closer to them, only to let them break you when you finally see that they can't take shit. LOL

2011-03-27T01:27:00.001+08:00

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son,
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son,
I don't have to be anyone other than the birth of two souls in one,
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,
I don't wanna be anything other than me,

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn,
I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn,
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn,
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,
I don't wanna be anything other than me,

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave,
I came from the mountains,
The crust of creation,
My whole situation made from clay to stone,
And now I'm telling everybody,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,
I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,
All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,
Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,
I don't wanna be, hey yeah, hey yeah,
I don't wanna be, oh, oh, oh,
I don't wanna be,
I don't wanna be anything,
Anything other than me,
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
I don't wanna be (hey yeah, yeah),
Hey yeah, yeah,
Hey yeah, yeah.

Why is my Blog named "Finding My Direction"?

2011-03-27T00:48:00.003+08:00

It's simple. Because to me, life is all about finding my direction. To me, life is a journey where death is the end. Through life, we have to find our directions so that we can walk through the journey of life. We can take wrong or right turns. It doesn't matter. What matters is that through these turns, we find the puzzle pieces to for who we are. Life would be joyful but utterly meaningless if we get everything right the first time. For example, the person a lot of our parents want us to be- The smart and inquisitive kid, the knowledgable scholar, the high flying executive, the happy family man or wife, the old person with a large pension and then the person who died peacefully in their sleep. Yes, that would be a perfect life; there is nothing bad that happens in that life right? What what type of adventure is that? When everything falls into place just like that, and there is no pain, no hardship, no sadness and no hunger, is there any true learning? For me, the largest happiness in life is when I have done something wrong and suddenly it comes to me with a snap of the finger as to how I can make myself right again. I grow stronger through hardship. I grow fiercer through pain. I become hardier through sadness. And I become more ambitious with hunger.

When we are young, we should make mistakes. Make a ton of them if we want to. When we grow older, and the song "If I knew then what I know now" plays in our heads, we should be happy because we have grown for us to notice our mistakes. Here, there are two ways to go about it. One is to be sorrowful that we had made such mistakes. Two is being happy to finally see these mistakes and get out of it. It would be a happier case if right now we are doing fine when we are old, that means we must have done something right to counter our wrongs when we were younger. And most of the time, this is what happens. Except that people wallow in selfpity too much to realise that the success that they are today is because of their failures before and their ability to save their asses in times of crisis.

I just had a tiff with my mother. Through which she disagreed with what I had said above totally. She found it very hurtful and hard to speak to me when I think this way and she keeps telling me my mindset will change when I get older. I have never once denied that my mindset will change when I get older. In fact I expect it. What she doesn't realise is that that is what I was saying in the above; that I will be making mistakes now when I am young but will realise it in due time aka when I am older.

She has no right to say what I think is wrong. What she can say though is that this may be a mistake but I will learn that it is a mistake. We have to find our own way in life. She reminds me of Jerome, who told me off for writing what I felt on the blog, even when it was a private one. In a sense, he is telling me that my thoughts are wrong and what I think shouldn't be this way. My thoughts belong to me. No one can tell me what I should or should not think. You should be goddamned happy that I am opening up my thoughts to you. This means that I trust you enough. But for you to judge my thoughts is a disappointment to me. No matter how idiotic a person's views are, or how much against my views are their views, I never tell the person they are wrong because I feel everyone is entitled to their own thoughts. And I know that their thoughts will change in the future. So why give them flak for their thoughts now?

This is the difference between my parents and I. I believe everyone is free to think how they like. And everyone's thinking changes. When they tell me their thinking, I am honoured that they share their thoughts with me. And my thoughts are forever fluid, because change is the only constant. I promise myself not to be like my parents in this way. I do not want to have a fixed set of ideals that cannot be changed and that I want to enforce on everyone else by telling them that they are thinking it wrongly and that my way is the right way. There is no One Best Way in life. I will stand by what I think, I will debate, I will share my side of the story. But my side of the story is not fixed in stone. And I hope neither will others'.

2011-03-02T03:38:00.002+08:00

if the amt of effort put in is not going to get me 40% and above then dont put in so much effort

ok what seems to make you wanna hold on is that you're scared you can't find a girl better than her or as good as her or as close to your match.

would you rather a girl who has a perfect character that you want but is playing you like a oyo or a girl who is a bit off what you want but not too much but loves you for everything you stand forlove is enjoyed when the other party loves you tooone sided love cannot work.

then you gotta learn there is no princess of your dreamsthere is the ms good enoughand most of the time miss good enough can make you happy.

because you're idealistic.

maybe after you've failed to have the love of all the Princess will you finally see that what you had all along was the best thing it's just that you keep giving it up for something that you dream of but can never really happenit takes a long time for some pplgotta get their heart brokenof course got some ppl find princess and live happily ever afterbut a lot of ppl don;tthey either get damn depressedor they find that actually they can be so much happier with someone who loves them.

think carefullyyou're not exactly oldmove around abitbut if you really want a r/sthen dudego for a girlwho loves younot a girl who strings you alongdont get into a r/sdate and look aroundyou dont need to pay for window shopping defind someone who you can deal with and who loves youthen go in lor.

yuppsowindow shopping is suchyou go in try a shirtyou like the colorthe styleeverythingjust thatthe size is wrongS is a bit too tightbut you can wear isit*but not comfortable at allwill you still buy it?it may be nice but it doesnt fit you at allwhy you wanna be so xin1 ku3not obliged to buy itgo other shop and seemaybe got better ones.

i'm just sayingshe's not the only girl left in the worldthe world is so bigif she and you are fatednext time somehow you will get togetherbut looking at it nowwhy waste your tiem and effort on her when you could be looking for someone better.

Leos

2011-02-12T00:21:00.002+08:00

I MUST say! There is just something about Leos that attract me. Yes all my past boyfriends (well the 3 that are counted) are Leos. I did have a run in with a Gemini but it sure doesn't seem like it's counted. Guess it's true Geminis and Virgos should just be friends. But yes there is something about Leos.. DEFINITELY. I really think it's their pride. Yes pride can be the downfall of Leos especially when they appear overly cocky and all that; but it is this exact same pride that makes me attracted to them. I like a man who has enough selfpride to want to better himself be it to face others or ultimately to face himself. I believe I've had run-ins with the most prideful Leos ever haha and I've always said if I can take the shit of that particular one I can take the shit from anyone. Maybe it's because Leos are my comfort zone- I know what makes them tick and I know what to do and what to avoid doing. Virgos try to accomodate their partners to make the relationship however perfectly they want a relationship to be and basically since I've been with so many Leos, I know how to manouver such that things work out. Yes the relationships fail but I think it's not the way I handle it it's just because we're not suited for each other.

Going with another star sign recently for a short period, I found that I was so in tune with Leos that I have no idea how to read that sign. Maybe it's the trait of the Gemini but I really cannot read that particular person and I do not know what makes them tick. Whereas even for Leos around me now I tend to understand them. Weird but yeah~!

It's been a long time.....

2011-02-10T23:35:00.003+08:00

It's been such a long time since I last posted on my blog~! Haha... things have been going rather alright I guess? =))Have been into a minor scrape in my life once more.. Haix.. this one hurts much much more because so much trust was put into it... ah wells.... MOVING ON... hahaha went clubbing with a few guys during CNY =)) wheeeeeeeees this CNY not much money but lotsa fun and finally my parents are accepting me back again woots!!

Today's Muay Thai session was AWESOME!!! We did sparring with the mats woots!!! Got a blue black from Russell but when I went with LC it was ok lei hahaha given I was shi4 si3 ru2 gui1 alr hahahah I went in very calm =)) I have to psycho myself like that next time. Go in calm and just do what you need to do =)) Mel is coming back~!

For the best

2011-01-16T02:02:00.003+08:00

Today Ray and I broke up... He came to school to pick me up... yes he was late and all but he came... and we went to Coronation's Starbucks. And I bought him a Mocha and I got a Ice green tea latte. And I just asked if he thought we'd be better off as friends. You can easily see he had been thinking of it and he agreed. Sparing the details... we sat there and then moved upstairs and talked =)) Never felt so carefree with him... And then we went Xin Wang for his lunch of curry and rice haha... don't mind paying for him though... I'm just happy things ended on a good note... and we were there changing out statuses hahaha just like a reversal of what we did when we got together =)) Alls well that ends well I guess. He drove me to Boon Lay to meet a friend after that. =)) I'm happy that he and I are alright =)) I don't expect to be close to him but I know that I am happy I didn't lose him as a friend~

There will always be a part of me who will love him and remember him.

Good Bye Rayray darling~

Muay Thai IIX

2011-01-14T02:50:00.003+08:00

Today we did lots of knees. The process is like so: bounce on your back foot by putting your body weight on the back leg and bouncing back up again. The front leg will bend accordingly. Next, push the hip backward (tilt the butt out) as you sit into the back leg and bounce back up again. Next bring the back leg up and align the knee, pelvic region and back in a straight line. Hit the opponent and use the hit to bounce back to starting position. Do not forget to be on the ball of your supporting leg's foot.

We did this stationarily as well as moving around. It was good!! =)) My kneeing technique is not bad if I may say so myself =))

The last Muay Thai Training we did hooks. The thing to note is that the elbows should be from start position and moving forwards not tilting sideways. Bring it out and twist your waist, putting your arm at a 45 degree angle, using the last two knuckles to graze the opponent's cheek.

Today we did grappling as well. I used Chin's technique of stepping forward and twisting as well as Lai's method of stepping back and twisting toward the hind leg =))

Hilltop Gym Muay Thai Event and Caiying's Birthday Party

2011-01-11T00:15:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, Sunday.

Went down to SMU to support Yan Ren, Dillon, Jason and Leroy for their Muay Thai matches. Went in just in time to see Dillon being pummelled by an opponent. I only realised after that that it was Jerome Tong. I haven't been up for training much recently, no morale... but when I saw that it was Tong who pummelled Dillon.... DAMN I WAS SO PISSED!!! I should have gone earlier!!! Could have told Dillon that BULL's weaknesses!!! DAMMIT!!! I swear revenge for SIM!! Gonna start training hard to be a fighter and hopefully I will be able to enter a competition at the end of the year... The four months holidays will be jammed with MUAY THAI, earning MOOLA and of course spending whatever time Darling can spare for me with him la!

Had a slight quarrel with Darling >.< I compared him to Tong and it felt like he was threatening me... but hey, we both know what each of us can't stand so.... things should be better. Went over to his place to watch High School Of The Dead Anime LOL!!!
Met darling's mom for the first time!! She's such a nice lady!!! =)) Heehee~!

Left after that for Caiying's Birthday and was kinda late but she waited for me to cut the cake!! So Sweet Right??? =)) After that Went with Her, Baba, and two of her friends for after party. Wanted to take her to Brewerks but it was replaced by the Caravan or something so we went to 6th Ave for drinks at Harry's bar. We got a bucket of five and one of the guys challenged me to put our hands into the cold water for the longest. LOL it hurt la but MUST WIN!!! So I held it there until Caiying told us to stop and I tricked him so that he took his hand out first muahahaha If you can't win physically, win MENTALLY wahahahaha...

We got Caiying a Flaming Lambo and after that played some games. I was suprising ly sober probably because I was being challenged RAWR!! LOL but the night ended as Caiying puked on the floor LOL... hit me a bit but ah wells... it was swell =))

Darling smsed me to ask why I wasn't home yet. The sweet boy is so cute la, still apologise for sounding naggy and telling me he's concerned!! MUACKS!! Can't get enough of him haha~ <3

2nd Monthsary

2011-01-09T03:43:00.002+08:00

Today was our second month being together~ Haven't seen darling all week!!! Woke him up at 2pm and he came to fetch me from school. Poor darling got into a minor accident =(( Some car banged his car from the back in the jam; his bumber is dented and the boot couldn't be locked. Went to his old work place to have the lock fixed then went to look for IDAC which couldn't help us -.-...

After that we went to Cineleisure for a movie. Darling wanted to watch Gulliver's Travels but there were no more timings so we watched Centurion LOL... Well I did buy a pair of white shoes and threw away my old ones too =P heehee...

Darling got me Lavander Potpourri =)) Gonna use it in my room... <3

We went to look for Derick after the movie and Darling helped him to do sticking of a scooter's parts. Stayed there till 1230 and Darling sent me home...

School starts

2011-01-06T02:03:00.002+08:00

Have to pass up the stupid examination fees tomorrow.... think I'll be going down with Qing Merv PJ and her Jonasto RELC. The stupid examination fees are like $2098 LIKE WTF!!! Hmmmm gotta start studying already... body clock is still adjusting somewhat hahaaa....

This Chinese New Years comes real early.... Feb 3... man it's like in 3 weeks or so?? But at least it doesn't touch Valentine's day eh hahaha... Don't know if I'll be having a party at my place on CNY but should be and frends will come to gamble just like last year. Hoping to go out for MahJong during that period too!! Kinda miss it hahahaha haven't touched tiles in like forever; NOT that I'm good at it LOL will have to wear lucky red underwear then hahahahaa

New Year's Eve + Kbox today + Thoughts on my awesome darling whom I love v v much~

2011-01-02T03:19:00.005+08:00

Haha... spent my New Year's Eve with Darling and Derick at some techno tiu at No. 69 Circular road LOL... Hmmmm it was not bad indeed!! At first I was thinking of just going there to be entertained by Darling and Derick hahaha... And Darling didn't fail to impress =)) So proud of him!! He was the first guy to start dancing, albeit dancing real techno steps not definitely NOT bobbing LOL... And believe me when I say Darling was uber UBER cool~! Apparently coming from Derick it seems like he practices by himself as it's been some time since they last went to Sparks or any techno event =))

Derick started doing catcalls and all and it was fun to hear the crowd join in LOL... now I know why SRJC's house cheers have thse catcalls LOL a hell lot of Ah Bengs go to SRJC and a hell lot of them go to places like Sparks hahahaha =))

Yepp was sitting down there watching the guys enjoy themselves, and learning how Ah Lians dance by looking like Jiang Shi and jerking to and fro like they were being electrocuted by a loose wire haha... Had a drink on the house as well as like 2 jugs of beer and finally started dancing with the guys. I guess I was a teeny bit uncomfortable at the start... after all it's not my territory and the music is not the usual music I dance to at the clubs. But darling and Derick just told me Techno was like Mambo in a way just less rigid so I just followed them lor... it's not as difficult as Mambo where EVERY word has a fixed meaning LOL so we just danced! =))

I seriously feel like I've become older.... alright... more mature... LOL... There was this one part of the night where two girls slipped over some vomit at our old table which we moved away from. Darling was the gentleman as usual went to help them. At first I was like -.- was that even your business?? But then I realised that ah wells he's just like that what... When I first met him he was already rather gentlemanly, walking where traffic was directing and asking me to walk inside instead of outside nearer the vehicles... so I guess this is him, part of the charm that he has LOL!! I REFUSE to get jealous over that!! LOL But I will not doubt that that thought did slip into my mind. Think I told Darling before, I will get jealous, I think it's normal to get jealous and if that person really matters to you you will get jealous one way or another. But the only difference is whether I let jealousy get to me and I blow up the matter. Currently I find nothing or no need to blow up anything. It would have been different in the past that's why I say I think I've become more mature... either that or more understanding bah, after all you can't keep the person you love looked up in a box now can you?? I sure as hell wouldn't like that as well. Probably there is a soft nagging fear that he may treat me like how he treats any other girl and vice versa but as of now I don't think that particular fear has any grounds as though yes it's true that sometimes when we're out with friends he doesn't hold my hand, I must stress on the word SOMETIMES because he DOES do so.

Thing about him is sometimes he's hot then a bit cold then hot again then coldish again LOL... Today we went Kbox. There was a small incident when he gave me a look when I picked a song... a rather condescending look. I hate it when people give me attitude like that... LOL still remember a time when we were at Macs when I first met his friends and I was talking about some acronym and he suddenly said "shut the fuck up" (later he explained it was because the acronym sounded like STFU) that got me a teeny bit pissed LOL and this condescending look did give have the same effect on me so I deleted the song. I guess he knew something wasn't right because after a smoke he wanted to put the song back on but ah wells... wasn't that happy with stuff so he did it himself and in the end he sang with his friend. Hmmm I tend to try to look at things from his perspective bah... it was awesome that he bothered to try to soothe the situation <3 LOL the Mel from before would have had a black face all night but nah... what for?? Just enjoy myself bah~
Lol one part was when we were walking out of the Kbox and I told him "I love you darling" and he threw back a "Me too" LOL!! SO CURT!!! ARGGGHHH!!! Heehee but at least he got respond la!!
There were also times when they went for smoke and all that and I was either left alone or with on of his friends lol... but in the end I rationalized that heyy I appreciate it that we're not tied to the waist and neither do I wanna be some needy girlfriend who can't even breathe without her boyfriend next to her... that would stress the guy out too I would gather haha. He did stay with me on one occasion which was so sweet of him =)) (yes I did ask him to go out with his friends for a smoke but he didn't leave heehee)

It's little things he does that make whatever unhappiness go away. I can be unhappy about something but he will do something else to make me feel all better even if he does it subconciously.

School is starting and I won't be seeing him much... I already feel like I miss him. Hahahaa... But I really want to get to know him better. This one month plus... in the beginning we didn't see each other much so I felt like I barely knew my own boyfriend but in these two holiday weeks I think seeing him this much made me understand better who he is. Satisfied with my knowledge for now and I'm looking forward to the new year with my Darling =)) Everytime I see him I see something new =)) and everytime I see him I know I love him more. I hope it's the same for him too... <3

When there is someone there for you...

2010-12-31T03:35:00.002+08:00

Have I heard this line, "whatever your decision, will support you." before? I think I have... in movies and TV shows. Hahaha... was having a rather hard time with my parents last night...
Once more I had conflicting thoughts, more of angel and devil battles.. I wanted to stay out but I was worried about what they would feel... maybe I shouldn't have bothered. And there I was thinking and thinking, and the one person who stood by me was Darling. And he said that line more than once to me that night and for once in a long long time, I felt safe. When I hugged him it felt so comfortable, like all the emotional blackmail and everything bad would just go away as long as I was in his arms... And I really haven't felt that way in a long time... Love my darling... I really do... Don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him here for me... <3

A degenerate

2010-12-30T18:55:00.002+08:00

Yupp that's what my folks called me... reason being that my grades started to go down after primary 6... LOL so it didn't matter to them that I was a top fencer in my school, didn't matter that their daughter could have gone into national team (a chance they took away from me), didn't matter I did not take drugs or smoke or join a gang or had multiple abortions or went emo and cut myself repeatedly, it didn't matter that my O lvls weren't that bad thatI could have gone to CJC but I decided to stay in SRJC, and though my H2 subjects sucked it didn't matter that I topped my cohort for GP and aced my Lit paper.

ALL IN ALL This whole period of time I've been degenerating into what they see as a failure. Riiiiiiiiiight... the failure who used to scream at them when she quarrelled with them when she was younger to a failure who talked sense and refrained from antagonistic words... wait... wasn't that an improvement in character?? Not to them, it wasn't!! Kinda feel they have degenerated... last time they talked sense and reasoned with me but now they scream at me, threaten to physically assault me, physically assault me, and play on three main themes; I am unfillial, rude and always blame them for everything. When I reason with them and they have nothing to counter they will use one of the themes... Degenerative is it not? When for every action I come up with a reason they cannot dispute, they use 'em... naisely done...

When I was in secondary school, I was so hurt that I did think of running away.. I didn't have anybody to turn to and they knew it... I had no choice. They still think the same today... I will work and pay my way to rent a room if I had to!! I know darling says he'll be there for me but at the end of the day he wouldn't want me to run away from home... Honestly, many people might be thinking "Mel this is what ignorant teens do" and my reply is "Exactly, it's what I didn't do but should have done." What I didn't do wasn't appreciated at all anyway. And me running away is not to spite my parents... it's to literally GET AWAY FROM THEM.

I stayed out last night because the thought, even the mere THOUGHT of opening the door into this house makes me feel so uncomfortable so sad so distraught... I am NOT exaggerating... my room is fine... it's my sanctuary. But the idea of returning to this HOUSE. It irks me... I want to get away from the woman who scolds her maids daily for very minute things and who now transfers all her displeasures to me now that we do not have a maid. Why was it I was good friends with my maids was because I know how they felt to be scolded everyday... and now I am baring the brunt of the scoldings... It's an emotional nightmare. One may say she just scold you because you never take out the trash. But imagine these little things are rattled at you throughout the day and you take and take and when you finally explode, all hell breaks lose because she says you show her attitude and was rude to her -.-

When the father comes out, you don't even have to bother to talk. Nothing can get through his thick skull because everything he thinks is apparently the only right thing in this world. He has always been like this even in business... He thinks he knows everything and discounts everything you say to him no matter how logical. This year itself, his insult vocabulary has greatly increase and I have been the tester of his "amazing vocabulary"... wow... I love muay thai for it teaches me how to block in case some nincompoop like him decides to throw a punch at me. I won't beat my parents, but everyone has a trigger point. The day that they tell me to get out of the house or the day that they hit me will be the day I leave this hell hole...

Make your move...

Pierced my tongue today~

2010-12-28T20:15:00.003+08:00

OMG went to pierce my tongue today!!! Finalleh!!! Walked with Edwin to Far East after movie to check out the prices. Went to the Exotic Tattoo shop and they had the best price I guess $55 and I was thinking and thinking whether I should spend so we walked about abit and finally I settled on borrowing $10 from him. Then we found out that the piercer got into accident and wasn't in -.-... But I already had my mind set on it!!!! So we went to Heeren to check out the Tattoo parlour there. They charged $45 for piercing and $25 for the stud... EX!! But heyy... we were there already so.... Ed paid for me first, given I was short of cash (gotta pay him back ASAP LOL)... Signed the indemnity form and waited while the dude help me to get a drink. OMG when we went in to pierce.... hahaha though I watched videos of piercing I was still like listening attentively to the piercer. She let me gurgle something for 30secs and then told me it was normal for me to drool and all that LOL... Then she made a marking on my tongue, clamped my tongue and pierced. Felt like she was forcing the thing in and contrary to what some people tell me, I HURT. Not over the top, die-able pain but it hurt lor!!! Some people say they felt nothing... their tongue must have been dead -.- hahahah but other than that it was fine. When she screwed the ball on it did hurt too but it was fine. After that I couldn't talk much hahahaha.... I just have to bite on ice for now.... just had "dinner" with mom in front of me for a bit... had to pretend to eat so I took a bit of veggie and put in into my mouth to chew... and POW!!! it HURT!!! hahahaha pretend to chew a bit more then went into my room and spit it out into tissue hahahaha after that I hung about the table a bit and ignored the salmon but drank some of the gravy of the veggie hahahaha am now drinking iced water and eating ice... woots going to be slim for new year hahahaha.... hope it heals soon!! heehee =))

Boxing Day

2010-12-27T01:03:00.002+08:00

Met Kim and Jo today for lunch and then they had to leave. As Timo and his friends were around that area and I had time to kill given I was supposed to meet the Muay Thai peeps or OG5 peeps at 5pm at Novena, I chilled with them and had dessert LOL... Bought some gift from Daiso as well for Elsie's gift exchange at her party. Some cup with two dieties on it hahaha so very JAP!!

I had fun with the OG5 peeps. This is like the first time I went out with them!! LAst few times I bailed because I had stuff to do. Went to Elsie's with Kasim after that.... bugger had to go home and change because he felt too underdressed -.- LOL

Darling was very sweet today. I mentioned that I was running low on cash and he asked if I needed a lift and to call him if I did. In the end I didn't have to call him because he came down to fetch me from Elsie's anyways. =)) The sweet boy~! Appreciate it more than I can say plus the Green Tea before I went up. Heehee I really needed that!!! Thankies darling~!

Home very early today. Time to set my clock back to student mode. I didn't need berating to do so anyways but hey whatever makes the two people in the house happy then -.-

Exams are coming and there are 3 papers in 2 days but over all I think this year should be good. Going to study. Not for them. But for myself.

Christmas

2010-12-27T00:57:00.002+08:00

Ever done prawning for Christmas?? It was definitely a first for me~! This is so queer!! hahaa I almost had a replay of the hook attack when I tugged at the string too hard and it wooooshed upwards. Hmmm according to Darling each prawn that night costed $3 haha.... but it was my xmas pressie from the guys; so sweet right? haha.... it was good fun it was good fun!!

Was supposedly out with Stanley gor haha... and yes I got a good scolding when I got back (what's new) along with the worst verbal abuse ever (they seem to be breaking records now) and criminal intimidation and personal blackmail etc (seriously what's new) and lots of tears from me leading to today's puffy eyes but hell all in all things were good. This was, as what a lot of my friends noticed the most un-christmasy-christmas ever. It just felt like any old holiday period haha.... but ah wells... Bought my parents gifts nonetheless- and Aibi weight shaker and Pierre Cardin belt but think they might have just chucked it aside without even looking at it. Doesn't matter to me though right now the only thing is I wish I hadn't wasted a cent on them because now I only have $90 to my name and less. Can't go out even if I wished to hahaha... but still got some outings next week so I'll see how. Maybe with all the eating during the holidays I can cut down on the food I eat so that I can last with the $90 =))

Christmas Eve

2010-12-25T03:59:00.002+08:00

Just got back from EZ50 with darling and his friends =))Haha... second time in a Cheena pub haha and the singers there are POWER!!! hahaha serious!! Had some nice beer (Heiniken) and peanuts~! Ok it wasn't the typical lovey dovey couple date new couples have on xmas eve but heyy I was with darling and I had fun!!! =)) And I love my darling v v V MUCH!!! MUACKS!!!

Darling was nice to come to pick me up and joined the girls and I at Nasrin for Shisha!!! The place has freaking BAD SERVICE!!! Arabs.... Anyways... Was out with the girls for dinner and gift exchange... I bought a mug which went to Jess and I got Ying's Reese Bowl hahahaha we had Tian Tian Huo Guo which I think gave Ying, Cadeo and Jonas tummyaches >.< The rest of us were fine and I guess it's the SRJC power!!! LOL okies random!!! It was fun haha!! Went to Mu-ee to get pressies for darling's friends =)) LIGHTERS!!! hahahaa... spent about $50 plus but heyy they are my darling's v close friends!!! =)) and of course they are peeps I enjoy hanging with so what's wrong with that?? haha...

Think darling likes his G-star Raw berms teehee~! Got them for him a few days back lol!! Ok I know it wasn't gift wrap and all but heyy its a Christmas gift nonetheless!!! Darling's gift to me was the CA Sweater I am so in love with!! Stayed at darling's place Wed night to Thursday evening and I missed training.... wth right??? Mel missing a training is like the heavens falling down to earth hahahaha.... Anyways, it was worth it because time was spent with darling.

Today when I left home parents were out of the house so I didn't get to say bye... have been having cold war with them... kinda forcing them to learn to let go and give me the space... my friends were right... in fact many different friends have been telling me this since my Sec/ JC days... Everytime my parents scold me I give in to them... thus they keep scolding me thinking it will keep me under lock and key... but.... it's not the way to go.... this week itself I've been out and staying over and out late practically everyday... today Dad called me when I was on the MRT and was pissed that I didn't report to them about me leaving... he screamed so loudly over the phone that I couldn't make out what he was saying but stuff I caught were "Do you pay rent for your room.... even adults tell when they leave the office out of courtesy... wu gui wang ba dan... go to hell..." Yupp he said all of that... and I just listened... Well it's not like I ignored them... they were out when I left home and throughout the whole day we were ignoring each other anyways so what was I supposed to do?? Furthermore they had plans for the two of them since a few weeks back for xmas eve and I wasn't included so... huh??? Hmmmm

But when I got home... I saw a Brau Buffel wallet on my bed... and I feel so guilty... Though I know this is the only way to get my freedom... Trust me I've tried everything a good girl could try.... this is the only way I haven't gone because I never dared to be bad... So... I'm not going to stop but that doesn't mean I will let it affect my studies. I know when to stop. But back to the point... I AM MAKING BREAKFAST FOR THEM TMW... scrambled eggs and french toast... =))

Weird and the Way I Love

2010-12-17T23:17:00.003+08:00

It's so weird how so many people are asking me where my boyfriend is. Alright this is not the weird bit. The weird bit is people like Louis, who's not THAT close to me saying that my boyfriend always happens to be in Malaysia... Alright...

Today I was asking around to see who would want to go out because I was so uber bored. The thing is for everyone who I asked they will ask me where my boyfriend is and all I could say was that he was away in Malaysia... Awkward yes... but ah wells. Then Louis and I were planning a Muay Thai movie thingy with the rest and the turn out doesn't sem good so I asked him if he would rather watch it with his girlfriend instead and he asked about my boyfriend. And when I told him my boyfriend was in Malaysia he mentioned that it seems like my boyfriend is always in Malaysia LOL... ah wells... it does seem that way doesn't it? Guess my guy is a friends person; hangs out with friends a hell lot. People who may not understand him may think they are gay from the frequency he sees particular guys everynight LOL...

Ah wells. Have friends who are currently asking me if I'm alright or not and when I ask them why and what do they mean by that they say that I am the girlfriend but...
Hmmm... yeah... that's true... I know to a lot of outsiders it doesn't seem like he treats me like a girlfriend given that we don't meet up as often as fresh couples like Merv&Andrea and PJ&Jonas and all coupled with the fact that he seems to be with friends or going to Malaysia all the time. Hmmmm what can I tell them? "Eh shut the fuck up la and stop putting doubts into my mind!!"? I guess what's holding me up from this barrage of negativity now is that I trust him bah... all I can do is believe I didn't put my faith in the wrong place... =))

Then again... why do I care so much? I guess I do love him bah that's why I do care about how people see us but it's more important to me to know that he cares for me? He asked me what I was lacking today =)) so sweet right? =)) The SMS came as a huge suprise as I didn't expect him to SMS me at all... Turns out he may have to stay a little longer there ah wells... after the first time when he went Genting with friends, I guess I forced myself to accept things as they are le. Since he's so impromptu let him go lor. What can I do? Tie him up meh? Make him think I don't like him to suddenly just up and go? Will that stop him? Nah...

Why do I always give my 100% and put my eggs into one basket each time I fall in love? I guess it's just my way of living. I believe that in every relationship I will give all I have to give so I know I have not shortchanged myself or the other party. Of course I learn from my mistakes but I never fear to give all my love and devotion to my other half. I guess somewhere I have this mother hen who is ready to lay eggs and fill up my basket if I ever do break the eggs in it. But I can't expect everyone to be like that right? Some people just don't dare to love wholeheartedly once they have been bitten. Hope I can show him I'm worth it with time but then again won't keep my hopes up... will just accept him for who he is bah =)) If and when he does see then it's a bonus bah =)) For me this is how I love, I give until there is no more to give because to me that person is worth everything I can give.

Cigarettes, Pals and a further understanding to Love

2010-12-17T00:58:00.003+08:00

Bought a pack and shared with Yongxin like... two days back hmmm... Tuesday? Only finished it today though. What a bother... how can anyone smoke one pack a day?? LOL Hmmm... all you feel is light headedness...

On Tuesday went to Katong Shopping Centre with Yuxin, Yongxin and Mon. LOL Mon can SING!!! haha... and my two darling cousins went a lil' bit crazy singing their songs and all... heehee sorry to Mon for putting him through that. After that Mon sent us to East Coasr Beach but we stopped at ESSO and I bought the Viceroy and 3 Anchor beers. My cousins and I proceeded to chill and chat by the beach after that. LOL we each spilled our cans one by one hahaa... And yes Mel overcame her fear of lighters HURRAY!!! LOL Actually I'd wanted to see Darling and all and asked if he would pick me up and all but he was at IRC so he didn't want to so I was emo for a bit but my cousins were so fun to hang out with that I asked my folks if I could stay over with them and I got their consent. When I told Darling, well, he did come down after his game to send my cousins back and I went to his place to stay. The scam worked and my cousins and I are safe from our folks yippeees!!

Bought like a toothbrush to leave at Darling's place and all... We had a long chat after that before bed... fitting given that we sorta had a minute quarrel over sms -.- before that and all... Fact was that he'd gone to meet Derick and Roy or something. They see each other everyday so I teasingly said he was dating Derick and he thought I was angry and so it started and all... well... ya he said to let him enjoy his holidays and so I was like go lor... what else can I say... Guys' holidays revolve around friends LOL... So we settled that and he said that he didn't wanna quarrel which was sweet of him but I paused to ponder when he said that if there's anything I didn't like I should tell him because... well I don't want another episode of him thinking I want to end anything.... so how to tell??
Well we did talk things out later in the night and all... him saying that he wants to hang out with friends now and all and we'll see each other more when he starts school anyways so... ya... but if I wanna meet more then we'll meet like twice a week or something... I did tell him that everytime when I ask my friends out they ask why am I not going with my bf and I couldn't find a proper way to explain to them LOL.... ah wells...

Did talk what he did with his ex and all and found that he didn't want to meet daily cos he regretted doing so with his ex and making her dependent on him... High-five to that man... that's what happened with me too what... I'm not asking to meet him everyday... but it would be nice if like from school he going IMM or what just drop by awhile?? But then again he might not have wanted to and my mom would have seen anyways. Ah bother! He was asking what could he do to make me feel like he is serious about us... I feel he is... or more likely I believe he is... It's kinda difficult for me given I tend to think a little too much but then I am trying... I am changing my mindset for him even if he doesn't see it because I LOVE HIM!

The last time he went Genting SUDDENLY with Derick I found it rather... bad... But I did let him anyways right? Now he suddenly, again, says he's going Malaysia for helping out in race and he was going tonight and returning Sunday... and I'm like... ok.... here we go again... So I'll just say a happy goodbye then...what else can I do... refuse to be unhappy though I was for a bit and got my friends to hold the pads so I could do extra shin kicks... But I change my mindset... I believe him and all... yupp can't go holiday with him... hope he enjoys himself there... =))

He wants a Ms Independent? He's got it =)) we virgos change for our partners, well our essence doesn't but our tolerence level is quite high... so there!! I ain't giving up... I hope he doesn't too. And I hope he appreciates it... I told him if he feels the spark ebbing like in his past r/s he should tell... and yes it will hurt and he did stay with her because she touched him... but I really hope... if it happens to us... that he will want to at least try together with me to spark our r/s up again...

I know of a lot of couples who have their sparks extinguish a month or so but they fail to see that its not the spark is gone it's the honeymoon period is over and they are comfortable with each other that's all. A lot of couples can't last over the honeymoon period because they fail to realise in a relationship it's not rosy forever and that the fast and furious love during honeymoon periods do fade and it's when it fades that the relationship really starts because thats how a relationship sails. It may be the case for his ex but he didn't know it and when the impression that the relationship is over, because the honeymoon sparks were gone, came into his mind he just let go and didn't see the possibility of resparking? Hmmm... he has got to understand that part la... How though I don't know... hmmm...

But then again I have faith in this guy. He doesn't want to repeat the mistakes he made in the past and neither do I. So I think we will do this together and explore this road together. I hope he gives me a chance and holds on because I can =)) I believe he's grown up enough to know what love and sparks are... and that sometimes they can be two very different things. Sparks may not be love and love may sometimes lose the sparks but as long as the two people still believe and dare to try, when there is love, sparks can always return =))

Love the boy. Not the crazy-in-love, lovey dovey, fast and furious, sparks frenzy, infatuated type of love that honeymooners go through but more of the I want to know him, I am willing to accomodate him and I want to learn and grow with him type of love. Hope he feels the same way~

Muay Thai XIX

2010-12-17T00:54:00.002+08:00

Today was not a bad day. My right shin kicks are coming nicely though my left still need more work. I have to remind myself to twist when I kick though. Hmmm but my hips ARE being thrown over for my right shin =)) Today we used our handwraps for punching the pads and I think I'm getting the hang of twisting =)) Did some combinations:

- Left Push Kick, jab n punch, shin kick
- Muay boran hook, elbow to knee and back elbow,
- Hook, punch, double knee
- Hook, sweep
- Hook, trip and push

Things are coming along very well =)) can't wait for Sunday training~!

Ignorance

2010-12-14T15:34:00.004+08:00

Sometimes they enter,
Do they, those words.
And like quickened knives and
Spears and swords
Do they pierce, nick and
Slash at the hearts of the weak
And souls of the wounded.

You pray you never
Touched the tips of the
Spears. Nor feel the slice of
The blades. Yet thrill in
The hurt they give because
Of that momentay power that
You wield.

Such is the double-edged sword
Of knowledge. Inducing the
Hurt and thrill of knowing
When one would prefer not to
Know yet want to know
Due to pure human nature,
Basal and self-destructive.

First Month

2010-12-11T00:15:00.003+08:00

Enjoyed a nice evening and night with Darling for our first month on wednesday. Originally went to Bishan with Jess and PJ to study. Ended up getting the message in a bottle set and making paper stars and hearts as well as writing messages to put into the bottle~ The girls asked what would I do if he didn't get anything and I think my answer shocked them. Told them I didn't need him to give me anything I'm doin it not because I expect something in return. Suprise LOL... But darling HAS been taking care of me~ Got quite a number of nice things added to my closet from him already =)) Just thought I'd do something a little sentimental for him heehee~

We had dinner at a western stall which his ex boss's friend opens and honestly the chicken there wasn't bad =)) he wanted me to try the steak but ah wells... maybe next time? heehee

We also went to Ice Cream Chefs and we had one Oreo and one Nuttella milkshake =)) His friend also gave us a waffle with chocolate ice cream! Sinful much~ haha Sat there for a bit while darling told his friend about his adventure up to Genting. Heehee... wish I can go with him to Msia or something for Xmas but... hmmm maybe in the end he'll just go with friends? Haha

Met Derick Leon Roy and another friend whose name I cannot remmeber.... hmmm think the initials are MW hmm... Went to Kallang Macs to meet them LOL then went to Liquid Kitchen at Upper Thomson to see a pretty China waitress LOL... They are a fun bunch la! Watch them play MJ on their iPhones while we had beers and teased that friend who had a crush on the waitress heehee

Went down to C. Nai with darling and Derick after he collected his bike. LOL sat there and talked till late. I now understand why they keep going there. Chilling there is a nice feeling. LOL... And yes I was taught how to smoke~ hmmm not hooked I guess if anything I'll just be a social smoker from now on? Heehee...

Went back to sleep at darling's place. I was quite sleepy given that it was waaaaay past my bed time but heyy it was really worth it. I really felt like in that one nights out with darling and his friends, I knew darling a little more~
He also told me that he was joking about me having to pay rent and all if I wanted to move in with him lol.... told me not to take things too seriously. But what to do... serious about him mah~ heehee.... I think the main thing is to trust in darling and know that he would want to do the best for me. Really feel loved by this guy =)) He's amazing~

Really appreciate the care he's giving me. He makes me feel loved. I remember that time I told him I felt neglected; I guess I didn't understand. But now that I do, everything he does makes sense. He's also been messaging me assuring me he loves me. =)) Sometimes I'm scared to start messaging him because I don't want him to feel like I'm sticky. But it's sweet when he does send me stuff and all~
Really happy with the wat things are turning out. It's not the fast and furious type. It's kinda slow and steady? And I really like the way we are now, slowly learning more about each other and that heehee =))

Feel blessed to have him with me. <3

Muay Thai XIX

2010-12-11T00:12:00.002+08:00

Thursday Muay Thai training was a bummer... haha.... felt sick after that.... maybe it's cos of the late night the previous night... HHMMMM but I could do shadow shin kicks well but when it came to the actual kicks on the pad... it was different. Things only started to heat up douring the consecutive kicks. But before that my punches had like no power.... gotta look into that...

We did a hell lot of grappling and also learned how to sweep the opponent during a lock. Always attack the knee =))

A Tangled Tale

2010-12-07T01:24:00.002+08:00

Woots went to watch Rapunzel today~ It is seriously one of the nicest Disney cartoon I've seen so far because I kinda can relate to Rapunzel; how she wants to be free but when she does she is conflicted- her freedom is so important yet she is sad to make her "mother" heartbroken. So at one part of her movie, sometimes she's running around like crazy just being so happy and enjoying herself, then at other parts she's real emo about it all and sits there and sobs. LOL talk about split personality but hey this is what I am going through as I grow up. I really can relate to the inner conflicts she faces.

And seriously the male lead is the most handsome I've seen of all the Disney male leads. Disney did it right this time to ask their female colleagues and workers what traits they find sexy in a man LOL.

All in all it's a great movie!!

Went for an interview today~ Hope I get to work. I'm not really keen on ZoukOut per se in fact I really didn't want to go but the pay is just SO SO SO attractive!! like $10 and hour from 9pm to 6am like WOAH that is AWESOME!!! Like it's almost 1K!!! I really hope I do get through the selection though... Think Elaine and her sister will get in cos they've done work like this before and in the FnB but of wells... if I don't try I'll never know. I really wanna do this then I'll have cash to go holiday with darling if we are going heehee~

Oh and Gong Cha Earl Grey 3JS is awesome though I didn't taste the pudding cos they ran out but the Earl Grey has always been my favourite tea and the pearls were nice nice nice~ heehee $3.60 well spent~

Miss Independent

2010-12-06T00:15:00.002+08:00

Hmmm I recently realised that all these while I've been doing thing like how I did them in the past because, well, I don't know how else to do stuff LOL That's ALL I've been doing for the past 3 years!!

Everyone is different! I keep telling myself that but the essence wasn't taken in full by myself and now it is. Had a talk with the boy that night. Aww he was so nice to send me home when I called him, the sweet darling~

Well we had a talk which almost ended it for us. The Lord have mercy on us. I didn't mean it this way and I wasn't having second thoughts about the relationship in THAT way I was just confused as to what I was feeling really. God for him to say it seems that I need a guy 24/7 really woke me up. Heck I don't NEED a guy 24/7, that freaks the bejesus out of me!! LOL the fact was I was USED to having a guy 24/7 so forgive me if I act as if I need one 24/7.

He told me it was heartbreaking to hear me say I feel neglected and there is nothing he can do about it. I really didn't mean to break his heart... I just thought I should tell him because though the logical side of me knows what he's about the emotional side of me feel neglected. There you go, the reason why I'm in turmoil is because the emotional side is always conflicting with the logical side of me. But darling was superb in bringing out my logical side =)) I love myself when I'm with him LOL because in a way I feel stronger and not so emotional but more logical and when I am logical I make the right decisions.

Logicality came out when he told me he is this way and he loves me for who I am so shouldn't I love him for who he is? Hell yeah, I do love him for who he is! Really, and I ain't gonna try to change him!! Also, I asked him if he needed a girlfriend right now? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?? Damn girls keep putting ideas into my head!! ARGH I SHAN'T listen to them no more!! And he told me NO he didn't need a girlfriend but he loves me. And that was the sweetest thing he could have said. I think I was drunk... I said I need want and love him. BUT I have to emphasise that I do not NEED a boyfriend... God I'm more independent than that... But then again... I really DO LOVE this boy~ And with him I feel like I can stand on my own two feet again. Gone is the Mel who relies on people in that way LOL

He told me he could send automated texts like he was reporting strength to me and I was taken aback because though I'd like to know what he's doing I find that all these while I've been doing bo liao things ike what he said texting about what I am eating?? LOL that is seriously unnecessary.

Yes he did say he knows of people who meet like once a week... and that we meet quite often... Nah... I don't think so I know of friends who meet every day but then again he is also right to say that given our circumstances it's hard as he hangs out late at night and I can't. Here I'd like to thank my folks for dishing out shit on me so much so thatI CAN and WANT to hang out late now heehee~

I did tell him I wanted him to compare me but then again I don't. What I want is actually for him to tell me what he likes. I won't change myself for him but I can tweak stuff a bit so that I become a better person. In a relationship as the two people grow they tend to do stuff that suit one another and that's just sweet =)) I ain't asking him to change either but in a way he's also doing stuff for me that's sweet too and that I like. Like after the talk he posted a very sweet song for me on my wall =)) and it was reassuring. I like he way he cares~

ALSO... what I said above... I really hope he doesn't see such words as comparing because well it's not about the other guys it's about how I was in the past. And now that I've grown over the years, I think I'm changing to become a Miss Independent slowly =))

This boy rocks my world. Wouldn't want to ask for anything more than that~

Muay Thai XVIII

2010-12-06T00:12:00.002+08:00

I didn't post the one on Thursday... but today's Cairhill training was a disas ter. First I forgot to take my training tshirt to training. Then the bus took so freaking long that I was late. Then when we started the punches I totally had no power. My upper arms felt so freaking weak that I couldn't even retract them fast enough. My shin kicks were totally screwed. Only my knees did me justice... then I freaking LEFT MY GLOVES AT CAIRNHILL!!! What the hell is going on???!!!

It's time to REBEL

2010-12-05T01:01:00.003+08:00

Yes people. Mel is finally rebelling. If my parents thought I was rebellious then, they have NO IDEA what they have incurred now.... A friend told me my parents give me hell and haven't been able to give up PRECISELY because everytime they scold me I become a good girl. Tonight I heeded their advice: The day after the big scolding, make a point. Go out and stay out. But then again, the good girl in me made me come back before 1am.... ah wells... Take things slow. I want to rebel, but I also want to be a responsible person. I have Muay Thai tomorrow. I won't let my rebelling take a toll on Muay Thai OR studies.

I LOVE RAYRAY DARLING!!! Haha... his words: You don't feel bad missing lectures?I will feel damn bad if I miss lectures. They are the ones pushing me to study harder. Went to school today even though I had only 3 hrs of sleep. Talk about discipline! And my folks giving me freedom now?? HAHA... GOOD!! I finally thought of moving out. The sudden surge of self-responsibility is here and this time Mel's gonna succeed. Watch out!!

I give up. RANTING SESSION IN PROGRESS.

2010-12-02T11:12:00.004+08:00

God please stop me if I were to ever plan another occasion w.r.t PJ Jesslyn Elaine. NEVER AGAIN. When I plan a clubbing night, they want to scrimp and save and go to places like St. James where they know the music sucks. They go there for?? The free entry -.- AND when I plan a stupid drinking night for a friend, they take 1 whole FREAKING MONTH to choose a day when they can all meet. AND even when we settle on the date ONE BY ONE THEY SAY THAT THEY'LL BE FUCKING LATE BECAUSE THEY ARE MEETING OTHER FRIENDS FIRST. Nice... Can't fucking settle on a place to meet. When they used to scrimp so much last time now they want to be ATAS. Go Timbre?? Woah wait a minute, the girl who was so particular that she would hunt me down for 20cents wants to eat and drink at Timbre? The guy we're planning this for was for the beach idea right? And in the end what, WE BOTH GOT FUCKING OVERRULED. Fine la... they want chuang tian sia let them go and do bah...

Still remember the time I brought Shawn and his friends to club with PJ and girls and PJ was complaining that the guys didn't buy drinks for them and that they had to go dutch. Girl ah, you got bf cannot flirt what to do. They don't fucking know you at all and you barely talked to them what to do. YOU FUCKING GO CLUB EXPECTING TO BE TREATED YOU CAN GO GRIND TO SOME GUY BAH!! Yea.... Simon and Ash were nice, they bought drinks. Ray Jeremy and Simon were cool they bought the drinks for me too. BUT YOU DON'T GO TO CLUB EXPECTING PEOPLE TO BUY DRINKS FOR YOU.It's a bonus. NOT A MUST. I must be hanging out with my guys too much because I feel the pains in their wallet LOL. Forgive me but I feel more inclined to aiding my guys than my girls. At least they are more da fang! You treat I treat take turns to treat. Not fucking everytime one party treat la!

You owe me a dollar I don't bother; in fact I think PJ owes me more than 10 bucks per year... Fucking learn some PR skills for crying out loud. Your big eyes and pretty face can only do so much for getting you free drinks. Obviously when you show your character and they guys don't like then too bad la.

Told her I got no money and she told me to ask Ray to pay first. WHAT THE FUCK. This brought to mind what Jake said about her expecting the guys to treat and like what he said we shall tell her we're going dutch. Wah seh, first time hear her say don't worry about the money sia... When she got money she can say, when she doesn't she and the rest of the girls also in the power seat.

I HAVE TO FIND NEW KAKI TO DRINK AND PARTY. FUCKING MISERS! And I swear if Ray or Simon or Ash offers to pay for them, I'll have to walk out and cool myself down first before heading back in. I pray to the good lord that I'll have patience and not smash the table. I also pray that they will heed Jake's advice (which he is going to say to them) and fucking go dutch (due to previous encounters with the girls). I can't count the number of times I or someone close to me paid the balance for them and said it's alright. Since they have money, they better take it out. Shouldn't be a problem though for now, since they wanna be atas. Ooooh if Ray's gonna be a gentleman and help settle the bill for them I think I'll just skip the waikhru and just start the fight lo~

Insult intellectually

2010-12-01T21:30:00.000+08:00

Imagine this.

You are walking down the street when you get knocked into by a girl who is, well, let's just call her uncouth for now. This is what she says

"Eh! You got no eyes ah? Cannot see ah?- and after a slew of vulgarities originating from various dialect groups- You better f%$#ing apologise, bitch!"

Ah. Finally. An English swear word.

And so happens she caught you on a particularly cloudy day. You're injured from training and you do not want to aggravate your injury by giving her a forceful kick to the privates (yes, girls hurt there too). Your mood isn't great and you wouldn't mind picking a fight with her; verbally of course.

"Ah I worry for you my dear girl. You knocked into me, with our heads being, what, barely 3 inches from each other and yet you fail to realise that the two round objects in the sockets of the top half of my face are the very organs, which detect light, and convert it to electro-chemical impulses in neurons."

(If this is said rather quickly, you would most probably be facing a face that looks something like -----> O.O this.)

"Your eyes look alright to me on the surface though, they actually look rather pretty and big. You remind me of the emu, whose eyes are said to be larger than it's brain. Another worry is that you seem to be suffering a form of dysarthria as I can barely make out the gunk which was what you were slurring out the past minute or so of my undesirable encounter with you."

This may illicit a response such as,

"Oh so now you think you can talk ang mo very big is it...." and threats involving brothers and sisters, with no specific blood relations to her inflicting bodily harm on you, follow. There might also be the possibility that she might insult your parents.

To which you may respond,

"I had no idea that I had just eaten Gossamer (he's a looney tune character with red hair). Do not worry I wish to have no other dealings with you or your siblings. I think for that you would have to find a rather good lawyer to settle the battle of inheritence you might be facing in the near future with your siblings when your parents do die of haemorrhages in their central nervous systems or myogenic muscular organs. You may wish to continue exchanging insults or you may want to walk away considering we are already making a scene and that I am as close to calling my lawyer to issue you a letter for the slander you have heaped on me as you are from being sent to the Institute of Mental Health for a psychiatric analysis; in simple English, very close. Of course if you do wish to get physical I will not fight you for then you will be charged for assult and will most probably have to fork out a huge sum to settle lawyer fees as well as compensation for the bodily harm which you did to me. I will now give you some time to think things through, for you obviously suffer from a neurodevelopmental disorder known as Microcephaly. In the mean time I will continue shopping. Do inform me of what course of action you have decided to take once your brain has finished processing the information given you."

Walk away.

OR You could just beat her ass up. Your call. =)

On the brightside! HOLIDAYS ARE COMING!!!

2010-12-01T15:20:00.003+08:00

But ya lar... first I type emo shit then I type the positive stuff LOL me ish one weird ass person! Well I guess what keeps me sane is that I think of the negative stuff first because negativity is the rationality of the world. But then I answer my fears and worries with the counter arguement aka the BRIGHT SIDE muahaha... I get it la.... Love cannot be compared nia~ I hate it when my mom compares me too hehs....

Do not be mistaken.... though thinking too much and getting emo goes hand in hand, Mel never stays emo for too long hahaha... time to MOVE meh~

Anyways, am thinking of going on a trip like out of Singapore. I have used inception with mom already and the idea that I am going with my friends is already out on the table. Time to slowly push for it as the date draws nearer. Am thinking of a getaway say the third week of Dec when my holidays start. If it were to be on the 4th week it'll be Christmas away. Yupp this year there won't be a family gathering on Christmas eve and my parent will be out.... hmmm I don't know... whichever is more convenient? Doubt my girls can make it out by the time they plan anything it'll be the turn of the century LOL but then again not sure if Darling is up for another trip so soon? I know the moola is an issue but heck Imma be paying my way out of this trip yessiree! Will see how bahs~ Better not sit on this for too long if not the new year will be here~ LOL

Guilty?

2010-12-01T14:51:00.003+08:00

爱情不能做比较 - 品冠

车子褃收音机空气中还飘著雨
在这个深夜褃你应该在他那褃
有多久没再遇见你
房褃没了你的气息
而我终於仍掉了你给我的所有东西
我刻意填满了生活褃每寸空隙
我知道不容易但我仍试著继续
我还能有怎样的情绪
听说你比从前开心
除了祝福我不想再多说一句
他很好他多好
这些我并不想要知道
再难忘掉多狂烈的拥抱
这回忆他怎麽给得到
他多好和我不同的好
最后是谁不重要
因为我知道爱情不能作比较
我刻意填满了生活褃每寸空隙
我知道不容易但我仍试著继续
听说你比从前开心
我还能有怎样的情绪
除了祝福我不想再多说一句
他很好他多好
这些我并不想要知道
再难忘掉多狂烈的拥抱
这回忆他怎麽给得到
他多好和我不同的好
最后是谁不重要
因为我不要你拿他和我作比较
就算是今天换一个人依靠
明天谁又比谁好
爱看不到听不到怎麽作比较
别再说他很好他多好
这些我并不想要知道
再难忘掉多狂烈的拥抱
这回忆他怎麽给得到
他多好和我不同的好
最后是谁不重要
因为我知道爱情不能作比较
希望你知道爱情不能作比较

Wah seh... am I really guilty of that? Saying that someone else is better? Hmmm the funny thing is... I find the best is always what I have now; doesn't matter what I had before. I must be weird because comparing is one of the most basic reactions of human beings. There are others who think that comparing with something better will cause us to strive for the better. But the difference is, I want to live in the now so I am contented with what I have.

When I love someone, no one else is better than that person. No matter how happy I was in the past, it is the person whom I am with now that stays in my heart and for him to be in my heart means that he is worthy of it and that there is no room for another man inside.

It is difficult to cope with hurt from the past though. Especially when the past has made some habits in me... habits that I can only explain linked to the past. Obviously everyone is curious about each other's past but I feel to look back is basically to see what went right or wrong in the past so that we can make a better future for ourselves; not to compare if our future is better or worse off than the past.

It is tactless to keep talking about past lovers, I know. Guess that topic is for deeper conversations in the future when we are more accustomed and comfortable? Or maybe never at all? I'm a weird one. My past is part of me and I don't want to keep any part of me hidden from my loved one. Should I change my mindset?

GOD! A song dedication is making me think so much.... shows how much he matters to me doesn't it? haha... Not to compare him to someone from my past? Hmmm I can do that. Because basically there is no comparison, the person that I love will always win anyways. And I am only capable of loving one guy at a time. When I say that he is the best, I mean it. I don't say it to compare so that when he is not as good or what instead of saying "you're the best" I say "You're the worst" LOL no... When I do say that you're the best I've ever had, I mean it. Because right there and then no one else is better than you...

My logic is a little topsy turvy even to my own mind... but I don't know how else to say it.... oh man!!!!! haix...

Love cannot be compared...

2010-12-01T02:51:00.004+08:00

Went out with darling today~ Hehs We were actually going to watch Rapunzel: A Tangled Tale but we ended up watching the thriller The Next Three Days as suggested by darling <3 The movie was really not bad but like what darling said you have to pay close attention to it. Went for a walk and a light dinner at mos burger. I had pork bulgolgi and black seaseme ice cream though heehees.... was supposed to meet Derick they all for prawning but in the end it got delayed so darling and I went to KBox lol... it's been rather long! lol darling could sing like... japanese, english, mandarin, hokkien, cantonese and malay lol.... argh feel blardy noob!!! We tried duets and he had to teach me quite a few! Shall brush up LOL... but it was okies... really been so long... He sang one song specially... ok can't translate but its kinda saying that Love cannot be compared. Hmmmm Ok... I understand that but that got me thinking... he feels I am comparing him ah? I don't remember telling him how much better my ex is... though the topic does come up but mostly its cos... well stuff I do now adays was habitualised by my ex? Hmmm so like when i keep apologising its out of habit and I have to explain? Will keep it in mind though... not to talk abt my exes. Though I must say, I've talked about my past less with him than with any other of my boyfriends... Maybe not much deep conversations yet? Hmmm

Oh yepp darling bought me a medium sized Domo~ <3 the big one is way too ex and I honestly like the cuddly medium sized one LOL...

We spent the day at Cine mostly and we were counting the number of people looking at out Ed Hardy Apparel LOL.... 80 in Cine itself and another 80 outside LOL... The parking was a killer though $26!!!

Actually I got worried.... when darling told me he doesn't know what will happen when we start school... about the money la... Actually from the start of the r/s he did say he didn't want a gf as he might have trouble supporting... then again... I really don't want to be a high maintanence girl. I don't seek to go to town for every date.. I don't mind hanging out with him at his place or somewhere where we needn't spend so much... I'm worried la.. what if he says he wants to end it because of the money? Or what if the $$ issue gets to us? =( I will start saving now... Really don't wanna stress darling out...
Really like being with him... though there are times when I feel he's a bit distant but then again it's just that he's different from guys I use to hang with what. I've been reassured that he's serious and I can see that for myself. So I won't doubt and will stay strong. I only hope he can stay strong too~ <3

Darling is Back~

2010-11-29T23:14:00.002+08:00

Darling went to Malaysia with Derick last Thursday and just came back today!! He got me an Ed Hardy t-shirt and sweats heehee~ so sweet!!! And a hell lot of chewing gum whees~

Darling was sweet enough to drop by my place after coming back heehees~ I really appreciate it =)) Dunno why... feel shy when I see him lei heehee... like dunno what to say... really miss his hugs a lot. Got this feeling like I wanna hug him and don't wanna let go. Heehee...

Muay Thai XVII

2010-11-28T21:22:00.004+08:00

Cairnhill with the rest of SIM Muay Thai =)) Most of the juniors came haha woots it was FUN!!! We did lots of stuff!! The starting itself was different. Wilson made us do stuff like knee block- push kicks all done without putting the foot down! It was tiring on the thighs! Hmmm we were seperated into two groups, boys and girls. The girls hit the sandbags first. We had 30sec per set of punching, kneeing, shin kicking and finally anything-goes. I did some extra sets when I could. Wilson saw that my shin kick was mostly from my foot thats why there was sound so I made myself use more of my shin. The other trainer (I don't know what's his name) told me to keep my back straight and not lean so far back for my shin kick. I'll keep that in mind!!

After that we went over to Wilson and we did knee block-shin kicks and block-one two punches. It was seriously tiring. By then it felt very much like shagged out already. We went for another round of kneeing with the sandbags as well s air-kneeing with Coach Jason. After which we had PT!! LOL Loads of different push ups and abs exercises!!! It was a blast!! Didn;t stay for fighter training as Coach Lai obviously had chosen ones in mind. Ah wells. I'll be there one day!!!

Family dinner!!

2010-11-28T00:38:00.003+08:00

Had an awesome family dinner!! Everyone came except Zhao Han but that's fine LOL... had HTHT session with Yuxin <3 and Yongxin fell asleep on the sofa haha.... Mum cooked a lot: baby-back ribs, salad, Lagsane, garlic bread and mushroom soup (for Yongxin cos of her teeth), cheese and vegetables for gan die and DESSERT TO DIE FOR LOL...

We also celebrated Wan Yi's birthday and yes we took nice family photos that I have to send to them LOL and I WILL do so soon!!! hahaha.... Got rather nice early Christmas presents too given that we will not be hosting Christmas this year on Christmas eve LOL Maybe I can finally go for a Xmas Holiday! Hahahaha see how...

Had a blast watching Youtube videos with Yuxin and Yongxin. Hope to see them soonish! Christmas again~

I cut my hair~

2010-11-27T17:43:00.002+08:00

From today onwards I think I'll go to the hairdresser ear my place instead of to auntie.... Yes she charges $6 but then she's so far away and she's not exactly v skilled. The male hairdresser here always takes his time to cut but then again you can see the skill there. It is obvious he is TRAINED. The aunties here.... not so good... think I'll get him to do my hair from now on~

The hairdresser is right. I've had the assymetrical look for so long. But I look good in short hair so why not go for it? Hahaha Finally I've succumbed to the itch to cut my hair~

Oh night...

2010-11-27T00:51:00.003+08:00

Heehee got a post from darling.... wow I didn't know Mel was so easy to pacify LOL.... Hmmm I just ate like noodles for supper... GOD I wish I had darling's metabolism!!! But I am working out so I'm fine for now... just can't do it in excess hmmm LOL...

Am currently watching Shutter on TV now and yes it freaks me out like TOTALLEH!!! But I can't help but notice that in all Thai films, and I mean ALL, they always have one part which is specifically added for comic relief hahaha esp the Tranny in the toilet for Shutter LOL...

Hmmm I feel like going to Malaysia~ Hmmm maybe will go for a road trip!!! lol... PJ and Jess were talking about it... They even said Ray can drive the four of us but I told them the back seat will probably be cramped up!!! LOL Hmmm if Simon was agreeable to it it might be a different story heehees~ See how la... maybe in the end we'll take coach there... or maybe won't even go? Hmmm I think I should bleach my hair. They told me Malaysia is cheaper but I kinda trust Aunty more and I'm more used to her? Hmmm see first? I really hate my hair color!!! ARGH I just wanna go back to normal colors again!!! HELP!!!

The way I'm being treated??? HUH??

2010-11-26T18:29:00.003+08:00

Hmmmm am I blinded by love AGAIN?? Hmmmm why is it that people are saying stuff that I keep giving excuses for? Maybe their outlook in a relationship is different? Was with PJ and Jesslyn just now. And they found out that Darling went to Genting with Derick... hmmm... PJ said that he's just treating me as someone who is there for him and that takes the back seat?....

It's true that he takes care of his friends. Hell when my girls are crying over break ups I'm there too! I even go down at night just to find them! When my guy friends are down from their problems I arrange drinking sessions and outings for them. True they aren't very close to me so they won't ask me out nightly to chill and all but then again I'd do it for them if I had to. Hmmm in a way, Ray would probably be the bros before hoes typa guy? I can't say this is foreign to me. AJ was like that too (that's where I got the bros before hoes quote from anyways) but the thing is I hung out with the bros... probably because AJ and his bros met mostly in the day or not into the wee hours? Or maybe because my parents were a bit lax at that time? I'd really like to hang out with Ray and his friends though but it might be due to the age gap, they don't appear to be people who like, play lan, mahjong, paintball or do active stuff like in a group? And they always hang out like till morning so.... =(( Saaaaaad..... Wish they could hang out in the day *mumble grumble grumble* LOL

But seriously, I was too childish in the past to see that having individual lives was a healthy thing and I thought too much. Now I've grown and I'm alright with it. PJ asked me if I was sure I wanted something like this when I am still so young. I admit that I like the lovey dovey feeling but then again I told her, I'm happy if things stay this way. If they do deteriorate then... I definitely won't be too happy.... But heyy!! What did I say? I won't think too much eh =))

Hope he'll miss me like he says he would.... Because I miss him much~ >.<

Maiden attempt at toilet cleaning

2010-11-26T17:55:00.005+08:00

Yep to prepare for our guests' arrival I took it upon myself to clean the main toilet. Things were going well, though my mother gave nothing but naggings and scoldings. So I cleaned the counter-top, scrubbed the walls and floor and polished the glass... then the glass shelve in the wet-area came lose from the wall and crashed to the floor.... I got cut....wtffffff

Yupp but I still had to clean the glass up and mom didn't even bother giving advice I had to ask her if we had the dustpan and all... and she didn't bother asking if I got cut. Maybe it's because I went around as if I was alright.... But HONESTLY!!! Arghhhh..... the things I do for family LOL

Shock-de-mas

2010-11-26T16:06:00.002+08:00

Thank you Lord for answering my prayers!!! This morning darling said he almost died on the way up to Genting.... WTF!!! And there I was tossing and turning all night having pictures in my head of cras careening off sides of cliffs and crashing into tour buses. Glad I made a long and soulful prayer!!! Shall do so everynight till he gets back then. Malaysian roads tsk tsk....

Went to the gym with PJ and Jess just now woots did some nice cardio and then we went to have Laksa and Bundung -.- LOL ah wells live to eat meh~ hahahhaa
No worries... gonna do some work out later. Will be at home today because mom is busy cooking for the big family get together tomorrow night LOL so I will be cleaning the toilet, walking the dog and doing the laundry. *likes.... NOT hahahaha

My Darling's off to Genting

2010-11-26T00:23:00.002+08:00

Humph... darling went Genting.... so last minute.... still expect me to happily give him my blessings -.- HUMPH... I feel sad and was already missing him when I first saw the message how to "give my blessings" happily... When I first sawhe was going I was still ok... then he told me he was going TONIGHT! Shocker balls~

Obviously I wasn't happy lar... which probably caused him to think I was a girl who could not be understanding =( haix... but hey it's not like I told him "YOU CANNOT GO!" Yes I know a lot of girls out there will most probably say that. Either that or they will start threatening that if he goes they won't want to be with him when he gets back and all that. But I didn't choose to say those words what. Let him go, but how was I to mask my emotions?? So I gave real short replies, what was I supposed to do?

Not a lot of guys would have been as nice as darling though. A lot of them would be like, oh she said enjoy the trip who cares if she happy or not just enjoy la. At LEAST darling picked up that I was unhappy... heehee <3

I know I know, some girls out there will be like, MEL WHY YOU NEVER STAND YOUR GROUND?! YOU SHOULD JUST TELL HIM NOT TO GO!! But heyy... it's not like he suddenly plan to go there by himself. His frend Derick has been down and out for awhile... Yes yes I know they have been meeting up every night more often than he meets me anyways but heck the guy just broke up la give him a break!! There is something about me- when I have a boyfriend, his friends become my friends too. And I want my friends to be happy. So I try to put myself in their shoes (Verstehen, Sociology!!) and I know Ray would like his friend to be happy so when Derick jio he will want to accompany him too what. The fact that he even told me about it and not just up and left is commendable enough I guess.

Aaaaaand I didn't know Derick was the one replying my messages -.- he must have found me a very weird girlfriend... haix... but I really was a tad unhappy what. Mel is always like that. Unhappy but want to do the right thing so always having inner conflict... I'm gonna have a stroke one day... lol

Ah wells. Now I'm only worried about Darling driving there... it's so late now... Gonna pray that he gets there and back safely...
Love you darling<3

Dinner with Kim~

2010-11-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

Met up with the girl finalleh!! She came back from Aussie FINALLEH!! Haha... went to Novena Sq to mumm mumms at Waraku Pasta!! She got the Salmon n Roe soup based pasta(if I am not mistaken) and I got the Seafood Pasta (yes boring I know but the squid ink will so blacken my teeth laaa) LOL

This is the first time I spent so long at the dinner table just eating and chatting =)) So happy that she isn't like my other friends who scoff at me and Ray. Thankies for your support babe~ =))

Hope to meet up with the rest of the girls soonish~

Thoughts

2010-11-24T20:59:00.002+08:00

Went out with darling today after a 3-day stint of not seeing him~ Poor darling was tired today... well he DID sleep at 6am.... poor darling only got max 4-5hrs sleep I guess =(( Make me feel so guilty for seeing him... Sometimes I wonder if I am just an added responsibility to him >.< I really don't want to be that. I really don't want to be something that he HAS to accomodate in his life, something that he will want to dispense of should there be added responsibilities such as school etc... But then again, there was someone who made me feel so indispensible yes disposed of me the moment he found his fun in Uni so... I know I've told myself time and again Ray is different and I should not expect or let my past affect me now because this is something else... Yet there are times when I feel emotionally weakened... Maybe it's the PMS haha or maybe...

It's the lack of support from my friends? I don't understand. I should be fine without their support. All throughout my relationship with Jerome they saw me as the bad person, the one being at fault, not realising that the person crying everynight was me and not him. They went to the extent of telling me, their friend, not to bully a "good" guy like him. I won't deny he was a good guy, he just had this bad side that he showed only to me...
And here I have friends, some who are my closest questioning my decisions. I've told them and myself time and time again that this is my choice to make. Who I love and what I do are ultimately up to me. But for them to use inception, albeit unknowingly, is not helping. I used to seek opinion from the masses about these issues. Now I find I am learning to shun from them because I know that after what happened before, most of them know SHIT about what was good for me. I know what is good for me. So the person I should listen to should be myself.
I've got friends who seem to be expecting my to break up anytime soon. I have some who tell me that relationships starting in clubs won't last. Then they ask for my support when they are going out with some other guy and THEY appear too blind to see that the guy is REALLY not that good a guy for themselves and here they are telling me stuff like that?? Ray is a better guy than the guy they choose ANYTIME!

I know the feelings I feel for Ray are real and they mean a lot to me. This is no puppy love, this is no infatuation. It's something deeper than that. Thus I really want things to work out for us =))

I've said this before, some people date first then get together. Others get together first then date. There is no right or wrong when it comes to love; people go by feeling, because that is EXACTLY what love is, a feeling. The only thing is, I fear to talk to him about my fears in the relationship that are mostly put into my head by my friends. I'm afraid he might thing "Why is this girl thinking so much?" and "Wow we only just got together and she's giving so much problems." So I bottle a lot of things up. I was used to talking at night before bed to my past boyfriends and it was a bonding thing. Yet with Ray we don't talk at night because he is with his friends. And I don't like to call him and make him talk because I don't think it very nice for a guy to say to his friends "Hey give me awhile I have to talk to my girlfriend." The fact that he is mostly nocturnal kinds of make everything a little different for me but I guess I can cope with it.
I keep telling myself:
Don't expect and you won't be disappointed.
Don't think too far, live and enjoy the now.
These phrases have become mantras for me to live by.

I want a long term relationship. He told me he wanted it too. So now, all we have to do is trust. I'm afraid to plan too far ahead now because he's not ready (who will be with just 3 weeks into the r/s?? DUH!) and because planning so far so fast usually leads in disappointment. I guess the past two have given me a lot of baggage. Baggage I thought I had gotten rid of. The fact is I haven't gotten rid of the fears but I know how to overcome them. I just don't need additional help to heap more fears onto me -.- Friends ask me if I plan like really far ahead (like walking down the aisle) and I find that I tell them to stop with all these because it's only 3 weeks omg! They give me the look that shows doubt. I don't think I'm the gullible little girl who thought of prince charming anymore. But why do they think that I should be thinking of marrying him already?? And when I say that we've not talked about it, they use it as leverage to show that they don't think the r/s will last. WTF?? GROW UP GIRLS!!! For someone to say "I wanna marry this person" after less than a month of knowing them, it's rather obvious that it is an impulsive decision. I want to enjoy the process of getting to know my boyfriend as well as learning the best way to love him thank you very much!

I find that this relationship is exactly what I was talking about when I talked about the healthy relationship:
The man and woman in a relationship are in love. They are however two seperate individuals and are not an entity bound at the hip. Two human beings bound at the hip will only face a lot of conflict in the long run as humans need their own space too. Thus, a couple should be two seperate individuals but share a common love for each other.
A relationship should not mean that one cannot leave the house without the other. Neither does it mean that they cannot talk or interact with anyone other than the two of them. That is NOT healthy. Each must have their own support groups like friends and family and what they should do is intergrate themselves to get to know the other party's support groups, and not seal their loved one from the support groups.
Although I feel that this is the ideal healthy relationship, I must admit I still pine for the honeymoon period of "just the two of us" and this is the reason why in the previous post I said that I think the honeymoon period seems to be over. However, I am very well contented if things stay this way throughout the relationship because as I have stated this is the ideal relationship. I'd rather skip the "just the two of us ONLY" few months and have a long and healthy relationship with many little "just the two of us" times, than have a very very sweet 3 months honeymoon and when the transition back into society happens things fall apart because the two are used to being bound at the waist.

I see myself being able to go far with Darling and I won't give up. Not now, not ever. And heck whoever wants to try to rule my life because it isn't their's to rule. It is mine and I can make things happen.

Muay Thai XVI

2010-11-24T20:53:00.002+08:00

I've been lazy haha haven't updated the last Muay thai session at Cairnhill. But here goes. Last Sunday I finally went for Muay Thai after a 2 week break due to my right foot. I've never felt so alive. Yes I did injure my achilles/ ankle area walking to training but it was fine. I did two sets, one extra, of what Coach Jason told us to do. But first we had skipping and stretching. I think I got a good rope cos it was lighter and easier to skip with. We had normal shadow and stance practice though and after that we had pad work. We did one-two punches as well as shin kicks for 30s. Then we had circuit sets of 10 secs each for 5 sets. We did one-two power+agility punches, knees, elbows and shins. I Did the extra set on the punching bag that gave me the injury haha.... I really saw that my form was getting better! My shin kick carried the stance and power I was looking for and though my right shin kick was weakers as I was favouring my injury I know I can do well with it now =)) Can't wait for Sunday as Thursday's training is cancelled. =)) Whheeees LOVE MUAY THAI!!!

2010-11-21T22:13:00.003+08:00

Watched Harry Potter courtesy of Nicole yesterday~ Basically Saturday was school and school haha... But Ray came over to pay school fees and waited in school till after my lecture so we can go for the movie straight. LOL..

On the way out I was faced with the question on why I said the honeymoon period is over when he doesn't feel this way. Hmmm... I guess there are times when I'm emo? There are times when people are a bit quieter or colder I guess and I tend to not be used to it? My friends have been asking me about him. And I guess I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of starts for relationships. One is when a party likes another and they chase the person until a period of time after courtship where they decide to get together. Another is when both parties want to be together and they get together and start the dating. The only difference is the status put upon each other and the time that it is laid down and that dating has no strings attached unlike when one goes into a relationship.

You can say we are getting to know one another now and we're obviously going through the second option. I can say that I've been chased (albeit within a short time), and I've also been through sweet honeymoon periods. Both scenarios are different but are sweet nonetheless. Being chased does not imply I like the person back so whether he calls me, smses me or whatever, it doesn't really bother me. Then i had relationships where we call each other every night and sms each other through out the day. Even when the honeymoon period was over this still occured. I guess things like this gave me a sort of expectation, and when these are no fulfilled I draw a huge question mark or blank.

I have made it my motto to not expect and if good things happen they are bonuses, when they do not, then so be it. For my first, I expected his sweetness throughout and it was only up to the end where it slowly fades did things really get ugly. For the second we seemed to have the expectation that we'd always be there 24/7 and that we'd be getting married (haha...) and it was when we were not there for each other that we felt the pain and we started to be unsure of the getting married plans. Thus I conclude that if I have too many expectations, things will get ugly when they are not met.

Of course I am not saying I do not have expectations. I am just saying I am trying not to have them and when they do arise too strongly I tend to tape them back down. I do not want to carry the expectations rendered me from my past relationships to this relationships as Ray is a totally different guy from the other two. The lack of future plans for us in his head would be totally unnerving if I were to be stuck in my past mindset. That he doesn't call me would be queer too if I were still stuck back there. These thoughts do occur to me now and then but I always remind myself, this is a different guy, do NOT bring the past into the present.

For someone to really enjoy a relationship, they would have to let go of their past ones. Because no two men or women are the same. Then open up their minds so that they can enjoy the present relationship.

Think I have to start doing what I did before, whenever I am down, I'll ask myself what does Ray do to make me feel loved. And he really does quite a bit! =)) Time to update my list of why he's so awesome~

2010-11-20T02:23:00.002+08:00

Went to Bugis St with darling just now~ =)) bought two dresses (a short one and a maxi) and a blouse! =)) Darling got a nice shirt and we chose a nice pair of Pedro shoes for him =))Darling came to school for his schoold fees today so he picked me up too and we went to hougang for me to get my hair trimmed =)) Went to Bugis after that and though I found it hard to shop there given the difference in crowds there Darling did help me feel better heehee~

Gonna go for a wardrobe make over =)) Gonna be more feminine while Darling becomes more metrosexual hahaha =)) Have to be more confident though. After 2 weeks of no training I've become flabby!! Time to kick up the dust and start my Muay Thai =)) Then won't lose out to the girls who are going to be attracted to darling when he goes school hahaha

2010-11-16T21:03:00.003+08:00

It's been a week. And the feeling is like the honeymoon period is over. This is the fastest I've ever been through mann... I don't mind if things are like this later on but if it dwindles any more than this I don't think I'll be able to take it? It's just kinda weird? When we're together, I feel like we're together but when we're not it feels like I'm single? It's weird but it's true that we should have our own lives outside a relationship and this is the mature thing to do. Yet I miss feeling special in a way... hmmmm

2010-11-14T23:12:00.002+08:00

Like I said, sometimes I am paranoid. And at the end of the day I find out that all my fears were uncalled for. It is these fears that build the monsters that finally consume us and we turn back and say "hey I knew it was going to happen" when in fact we made everything happen. Self fulfilling prophecy.

Today went with darling for some Honda forum photoshoot. It was raining heavily after lunch. We dashed out of the MacDonald in the rain and for a moment it was queer because we held hands but we were running... in the rain.... HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAA....

Ok after that laugh, things seem more normal haha.. But yes we were wet and the windows and all were misty so we had to have the air condition on and it was freezing... LOL We were both wearing Metal Mulisha t shirts that Darling bought =)) And mine was kinda thin but ah wells I survived!! We went to meet the convoy going down to the flyer area. Went there and it was raining so we parked and we went to seek shelter and all that.... We actually spent a good 2 hrs or more waiting for the photoshoot and for the latecomers and all. Met some of darling's friends and spent the time there stoning, squatting, watching darling smoke and playing his iPhone games haha....

After the photoshoot, we went to meet some of his other friends and watched them do plank drifting =)) exciting!! Darling is cool!! Hahaha what else can i say. But after the activity his car was dirty so we went to the car wash to get it hosed and soaped down. He sent me back after that and all.

Today I was kinda worried when he changed his profile pic to a solo picture and it's like not even 1 week yet? Feel like... he's getting more distant as I start to warm up to him? Hmmm... or was he always like this? But he assures me he loves me and all that. I hope I am not wrong about him. I really do feel like I'm falling hard for him. Want this to last. =))

Paranoia

2010-11-13T22:52:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I get frightened by silence because I don't know what the other person is thinking. When I am unhappy or have thoughts weighing on my mind, I tend to keep quiet and hence I think that other people would do the same...

Maybe I was mistaken... maybe it's not always the jovial persona that was a fixed structure, like I thought it was, maybe the actual persona is quieter? When emotions have settled, the persona becomes what it originally was. But ain't it a bit fast? What is going on? In this week itself, there seems to have been changes which have been rather drastic. I guess this is the first time I saw the jovial persona as quieter? Hmmmm...

Thoughts run through my head.... what if, like what I fear the most, the person's feelings for me are dying out? Hmmmm.... why is it always such, as I learn to love the person more, the person pulls away? Or seems to pull away? Is this my paranoia? Someone please let me know the truth....

2010-11-12T23:27:00.002+08:00

Today I went to the Chinese Tie Da doctor.... my right foot's outer two bones keep getting out of alignment and I am not to do exercise to aggravate it for 1 month.... Means... NO MUAY THAI!!! =((((( This is the saddest shit ever!!! Coupled with the fact that I can't hear, have a horrid cough and stuffed nose!!!

The only good thing that happened today was that Darling Rayray came to take me out. He drove down from home after his reservice to fetch me from school~
We went to Far East to have dinner (chiken rice) and then drove, or rather stressed, our way through the jam to get to the Singapore Flyer =)) Had a coughing fit in the flyer though >.< and Darling decided to take me to the doctor. So we went down to Clementi Ave 3 area to the Q & M 24hr clinic hahaa.... Darling treats me well, taking it as his responsibility =)) And he sure is responsible =))

Saw a senior at Clementi and for awhile I was rather anxious because I wouldn't know if J was going to be there... but... didn't see him and all and Ray was with me all the way so it's cool.

Things were rather quiet today... I really couldn't hear well and so I wasn't exactly in a spectacular mood... Fear and insecurities keep coming into my mind... What if I was boring him? We didn't talk much in the car, nor did we talk much in the flyer... >.< will that make him feel like we do no have common topics? I read somewhere that couples need not stress themselves over a need to have similarities and all because what's important is that they love each other and differences can be fuel to the sparks between them because who would want to stick with someone just like them, it's like dating yourself... LOL But still.... I'm afraid that he finds me boring and in the end... what if I am just another responsibility to him?

I really do love him... these negative thoughts... must be PMS or something... I really hope he doesn't feel that way about me. I really wanna jut accept it when he tells me he loves me... But I'm scared.... what if...? =((

Mel you must be stronger... if you really love him you have to work for it... no point mopping around. Time to fan the flames because in a relationship it takes two hands to clap and two hands to keep the flames between them roaring =))

2010-11-11T20:16:00.002+08:00

It's been quite a long time since I last heard that someone will be there for me backing me up, helping me reach my goals, and being my pillar of support. =)) Thankies darling =)) Miss him so much even though it's only been a day of not seeing him. But then again I am happy we both have lives outside of our world. I read somewhere that it is healthier when two people have their own lives to fall back on but when the both of them are together they should make the best out of the time they have with each other =)) I guess it's true =)) I really can't wait to see darling again =)) wheesss and talking to him on the web cam is sweeeeeeeeeeet =)) he really looks so handsome in all angles =)) heehee~~

Thought I was stronger than this...

2010-11-11T02:20:00.002+08:00

OMG... I thought I was stronger than this.... argh the first few times when I saw the pics I thought they were cute together but after awhile I think a wall caved in... -.-... gey kiang.... idiot la.... even doing 10 push ups also cannot calm me down this spam typing is the only way I can calm myself down....MEL CAN YOU PLEASE PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER???

Don't even know why I feel this way... annoying... it's not like last time where I feel I'm not as pretty or what... ok there is still this part which makes me feel this way but there is this emotion that I don't know how to explain... Other than buay song.... seriously also dunno whyyyy arrrrggghhh Tomorrow I'm going to murder the punching gears >.<

Your Love Is My Drug =))

2010-11-11T01:19:00.001+08:00

Maybe i need some rehab

or maybe just need some sleep

I got a sick obsession

I'm seein it in my dreams

I'm lookin down every alley

i'm makin those desperate calls

i'm stayin up all night hopin hitin my head against the wall

what you got boy, is hard to find

i think about it all the time

im all strung out my heart is fried

i just cant get you off my mind!

because your love your love Your Love Is My Drug

your love your love your love

your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

wont listen to any advice

mommas tellin me i should think twice

but look into my own devices, im addicted its a crisis

my friends think ive gone crazy

my judgments gettin kinda hazy

My esteem is gonna be affected if i keep it up like a love sick crack head

what you got boy, is hard to find

i think about it all the time

im all strung out my heart is fried

i just cant get you off my mind!

because your love your love your love is my drug
[ Your Love Is My Drug lyrics from
http://www.lyricsyoulove.com/k/kesha/love_is_my_drug/ ]
your love your love your love

your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

i dont care what people say

the rush is worth the price i pay

i get so high when your with me

but crash and crave you when you leave

hey, so i got a question

do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement'

do i make your heart beat like an 808 drum

is my love your drug' your drug'

hi, your drug'

hi, your drug'

is my love your drug'

because your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

because your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

your love your love your love is my drug

your love your love your love

hey, heyy, sooo

you love, your love your love, is my drug

Why my boyfriend is so awesome

2010-11-11T01:06:00.003+08:00

The list is not exhaustable.

1) He says the sweetest things
2) He always tries to reassure me
3) Whenever I need him he'll be there
4) He's willing to make a lot of sacrifices for me
5) He's HAWT behind the wheel
6) He's my best Econs tutor ever!
7) He's cool with respecting my freedom
8) He encourages me to strengthen my family ties
9) He dares to tell me he misses me
10)He bothers about what I tell him
11)He's ok with holding hands any way I like it
12)He's ok with holding my bag
13)He cares for me when I'm sick
14)He tells me to study
15)He dares to be exclusive
16)He untagged himself in couple shots with his ex even when I didn't tell him to cos he cared
17)He tells me that I'm pretty =))
18)He reassures me that he will love me long long and that he doesn't want another <3
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Pressie from darling =))

2010-11-10T18:26:00.003+08:00

Darling just dropped by with a pressie for me <3 Here are some shots I took with it for him =)) haha My darling is really very very nice lor haha Was quite shocked when he asked for the width of my shoulders just now haha

Fits just nice!! Haha... I really need t-shirts hmmm is this an indication that he doesn't like to see me in tank tops? Hahhahaa Will tone up and buy new tops thats for sure!!! =)) Hmmmmm I wanna get something for darling too... but.... hmmmm dunno what.... though I already have something in mind for him this Christmas =P but then again Xmas is sooooooooooo far away.... hmmmm gotta think of something!!!

Cough Cough.... I'm with Ray..... PERIOD!

2010-11-10T14:58:00.003+08:00

Aaaawww when will my cough go away??? Was coughing throughout lecture today... Am kinda pissed of at how some people keep telling me "You're too fast la", "What about the other guy you said was too fast?", "You say one thing, do another", "Thought you don't want to get into a relationship le?", "You met him in a club????", "You shouldn't have put the change on facebook so fast, what if..." and so on and SO FORTH!!!

What the #$%^ seriously!!??
Firstly, what's up with the too fast?? I was over my ex the night he dumped me.

What about the other guy? I just don't feel the same for him that I feel for Ray.

I say one thing then do another? Exactly what did I say?? That I won't get together with Ray??

Thought I don't want arelationship? I did say that but I hadn't met anyone worth going into a r/s at that point in time now did I?? So I wasn't going to rush into go looking for one!

Yes I met him where the music flows. So what?? We didn't get together in the club!! It's like friends bringing a friend to the beach for an outing and you meet the only difference is the place. It's not like he's a lone wolf going fishing in the club and I happen to meet him wth..

And about the relationship status, it was a mutual agreement. If the people who were talking about it was thinking that by doing so I would hurt my ex or whoever who had an interest, I really have no idea why they would even bother caring about the past of someone else?? And what's there to fear man??? A friend told me what if I don't last long in this r/s and I have to change the status back? Hello, I don't enter a relationship with an end point in sight. When I go in the time limit will be eternity. I want to be with Ray all the way and I DO mean ALL THE WAY everyone get the picture?? So no I DON'T CARE about all these!!

I just feel I have to write everything out because I keep repeating stuff here and there and it get sickening and tiresome!!! I'm with Ray! PERIOD! So either be happy for me and support me if you're a friend or suck it up if you're not. Snide remarks will not be tolerated and NO ONE is going to put doubts in my head. Not now not ever!!

~Loving my awesome to the skies boyfriend~

JackAss 3D with Darling RayRay

2010-11-10T01:19:00.003+08:00

Darling took me to watch JackAss 3D today!!! Got in even though it's R21 =)) wore darling's jacket in! Darling picked me from One Raffles Link after I had lunch with Jo and Nicole and we went to Shenton Way area for an errand. Went to buy tickets at Vivocity right after and darling ate at Carls Jr while I did an econs question hahahaa =)) Went back to darling's place to get his thumbdrive and darling cooked my instant Ramen LOL he was fretting that I didn't have anything else to go along with it =P but Hey I just love instant noodles what to do hahaha.... went back to vivo for the movie after which darling drove me home. Loved the ride!!! =)) Darling keeps wowwing me with everything he does =)) and his driving is definitely superb haha =) Wanna take more pictures with darling soon!!!!

~Loving my super cool and hawt and nice and sweet and awesome boyfriend~

Loving my Ray of sunshine

2010-11-08T20:18:00.002+08:00

I know I said no more whirlwind. But when things happen, they happen =)) And no I do not believe in love at first sight... until now =)) We-ell it wasn't even love at first sight but it was an attraction that led to oomph feelings =)) Some people might be skeptical. Others might be like omfg. There might be others who think that I'm a bitch. But hey people, shit happens and it ain't happening to me. I know I'm gushing but.... I haven't had someone make me feel this way in a long long time =)) And definitely no one who makes me feel this special =))

Is this impulsive? It definitely is. But Mel has never been impulsive and regretted it cos I always know what I want when I do it on impulse anyways. Haha =)) Feeling waaaaay too happy =))

Butter Factory < 3

2010-11-07T12:07:00.002+08:00

Went to butter last night with Simon, Ray, Jeremy and guest appearence of both Eds hahahaa.... S's car is uber cool la... I was expecting a preleude to the club in his car but what we got wcould have the club if there was space mann hahahah His music choices rule! Met Rey there and we walked ALL THE WAY from One Fullerton to Lau Pa Sat for me to draw $$ -.- lol I was in HEELS lol but it's okie. Went back in time to meet Jeremy and we managed to get in even though I was underaged... They checked Jeremy, ironically, even though he was the oldest among us hahaa and woots we got in, opening a bottle of Chivas =)) the music started slowly though but I loved the Raggae beat; that really got me going. As usual, S wowed with his moves and then his 'shifu' came down too hahhaha nice shuffling mann. Ray and Jeremy weren't bad themselves. =)) The Eds came over and we drank a bit then we we seperated and went to the dance floor. Ray was real nice haha what you would call a club gentleman haha. Some others can't dance very well and all haha... Argh I thought it would be hard juggling this many guys in the group but the three guys were fine, though some other people felt left out. Hmmm I look forward to clubbing with them again maybe ZoukOut heehee dunno if they will let a noob like me enter with them man hahaha ah wells will see how bah =))

Muay Thai XV

2010-11-05T00:34:00.002+08:00

Today I didn't do much due to injury however, we did learn some grappling tricks from trainer R. Basically a lot of losing balance and tilting one elbow up and swinging down on the other side. Kneeing was also done lol... Was more focused on the collection of cake. Today is Russell's Bday so we decided to celebrate the birthday of the babies of the three months term hahahhaa wheeeeeeeeees can't wait for Sunday training!!! =)) I so miss it. Have been dieting of late, cutting down my meals and all to compensate for the lack of exercise. =))

2010-11-04T01:58:00.002+08:00

Aren't things going a bit too fast? It's really starting to scare me... yet.... I know I'm not ready.... what should I do?

A special trip to the doctor's

2010-11-02T23:37:00.003+08:00

I went to the doctor's today. This is the first time I went to the doctors WITHOUT my parents. They're angry at me again so they are not going to bring me. Instead of waiting and letting my foot go crooked like I did the last time I took things into my own hands and I went by myself. Well... not entirely by myself. A friend went with me. H was real nice! I didn't know the first time we would meet would be him fetching me to the doctors LOL... The doctor set my foot quite well. Itwas crooked at the last two toes before but now it's alright =)) We went for lunch at AMK hub =)) Had Subway and the healthy him had the chicken breast while I had the unhealthy Italian BMT LOL.... Was about to see him off for his gym and go meet E but in the end he went with me to Plaza Sing where we walked and I dunno how but we wandered all the way to Cathay where we watched The Last Exorcism... Yes I caught it again... -.- LOL but it was nice.... a different feeling... I've not felt so at ease at the movies with a guy for a LONG now and this was a nice change. I missed that feeling... the feeling that you didn't have to care about anything and just watch the show....that an arm would be there when you're scared or that a hand will be on your knee to comfort you, yet you didn't HAVE to do anything else. I liked that type of feeling.... I miss it... that feeling is.....like.... safe.... I felt safe.... I haven't felt that way in a long time....

Muay Thai XIV

2010-11-01T00:27:00.003+08:00

Am currently nursing a swollen right foot. Kicked the punch bag wrongly during circuits when we were having fighter training at Cairnhill. It wasn't that bad at first Iwas just limping slightly. But now the whole foot is swollen =(( I was supposed to do low shin kicks. My left leg was fine but my right leg just couldn't do it right and the instep kept hitting the bag. I hit it once and I felt a sharp pain but I decided to carry on. The next kick was just fine but then suddenly I kicked and my foot connected with the bag and I knew I would not kick with my right leg anymore. It was that painful.

Think the blood clotted when I went to chill just now... hmmm am icing it and massaging it but even moving my toes hurts the foot =((

Well today during the normal training, we did a hell lot of pad work. We started with jabs, punches, one-two punches, cross, vertical elbow, cross elbow, diagonal elbow, knees and shin kicks for about 30s each activity. Then we had to do combinations 10reps per combi. Then we did anoter set and we did double shin kicks as well. We also do shin kicks left-right 20 and ended off with shin kicks 1-12, the no. of kicks the same as the set we were doing. We were tired after that mann hahaha BUT it was GREAT!!

After the circuit training during fighter training, Coach L thought us the first few parts of the Waikrhu.
1) Before we enter the ring, we kneel at the stairs and bow, scooping some earth energy and capping it onto our heads.
2) We move to the middle of the rope and put our hands in a praying gesture, then smoothen them out to the sides caressing the top rope, doing this motion thrice.
3)Enter the ring by pressing the ropes down, stepping in first and onto the bottom rope then going in with the other leg.
4) Face the head judge, and apply pressure on the front leg and bow; bow to the four sides of the ring like so in a clockwise manner.
5) Head to your corner of the ring and pray for blessing at the corner. Then bend your front leg slightly and jab(right hand) the pillar three times moving upwards, on the third bringing it up in a flourish.
6) Slide the right hand on the rope as you walk to the next pillar and do the same untill all four pillars have been prayed to. Advance to the middle of the next rope and move to the centre of the ring.
7) Circle a spot three times and finally kneel down. (Right leg in front, left knee goes down first.)
8) Bow forward scooping up earth energy and bring it to your heart, head and form a diamond shape while looking upward.
9) Place the left hand on the floor as you raise the right up in a twist to the right and look at the right. Bring it down to join your left to form a triangle/diamond on the ground and touch it with your forehead.
10) Bring the right arm back up again and then bring it to join your left at the chest. Repeat this once more. Stand up.

Hope to learn more. This is highly symbolic for me and I love the way we show respect to the ring and elements like so. Hope my foot will get better soon so that I can go down for Thursday's training! Won't go for Tuesday's I guess. But I wanna train again soon =))

Muay Thai XIII

2010-10-24T21:47:00.002+08:00

Went to Cairnhill after a short nap and some instant noodles for muay thai training. Didn't know I was so tired until we did the skipping session. Man I was TIRED!!! LOL... Today we did wuite a bit of padwork and it was quite tiring but as the padwork continued I became less and less tired and became more and more aggressive. There is also one thing about my shin kick- I need to do some kicks as warm up first to get my form before I can do some proper kicks... Hmmm like Alex said my muscle memory is not there yet. I should train more. I can see the kicks forming and when I hit the punch bag some of the kicks were quite nicely done. I must really remember to throw my hip. The problem is when I have a barrier there be it a human body or whatsoever, I tend to control too much when I should be slicing the air. Gotta take note of that. Did some sparring with the guys too. Although coach told them to only aim at the forehead a few blows still got me. Gotta keep my guard up if not I'll be pushed to punch myself. I also have to get my experience down pat for me to get my distance and to be able to judge how my opponent is going to move. I've got much to learn and every training at Cairnhill just makes me fall in love with Muay Thai more and more <3

Nike Human Race (Human Lightsticks)

2010-10-24T21:39:00.003+08:00

I swear the glow in the dark Nike shirt clashed with my hair hahaha.... Woke up aroung 0445hrs to prepare to head down for the race at the floating platform area. Wanted to take a bus down but heyy the buses don't come so early so in the end I had to take a cab -.- The taxi driver was nice and greeted me with a nice "good morning" (courtesy puts a smile on everybody's faces). I went down thinking I'd be late but turned out to be the ine waiting for my two friends at the bus stop. Didn't get to change my shirt though so I had to stick with the very fitting S... Note to self: pick women's M next year LOL....

The run was nothing short of what I expected. In fact a big plus was the weather was good!- The haze was no longer as threatening as it was the pass few days. Sometimes I wonder if it's the just organizers who are lucky (F1 and Nike HR) or someone really has the ability to control the weather and all the companies have to do is pay them a huge amount of money to ensure that the weather is friendly on the event day.

Ran with PJ and L... well Mostly with PJ =)) This year was much better. We didn't lose each other and the walks that we took were few and far between. Seems to me like we're getting the hang of it (a lil' late I know but we're getting there). Planning to REALLY RUN next year's Sundown 21km haha I'm so gonna make sure I'm not sick when the even happens. I'm nursing a cough still... damn!! lol...

2010-10-23T22:43:00.002+08:00

People have been saying that I've been lookig angry, acting angsty and being plain dao. Hmmmm I guess? Must be all the Avenged Sevenfold songs that I've been listening to haha... But it must also be because of all the stupid childishness surrounding me now adays. I honestly though things would be more mature but things are still as childish as ever. Everything seems to not be what I thought thay would be. Even when it comes to matters of the heart. I've come against walls and I honestly am tired. I was tired of relationships. Now I'm tired of liking people. And honestly if people in my life are going to treat me like fill-ins for their time and all that then why should I let myself be used? Fine if I am free why not but I won't make myself be or arrange my stuff so that they come first. It's just plain stupid because I live for myself and no other people. I thought I'd have learnt that by now. Well better late than never eh? haha... and honestly if people are going to be hot and cold with me, even as a friend.... who the fuck do you think you are? Expect me to be nice to you all the time? No fucking way. You wanna gimme attitude, be sure to receive double back baby. Maybe its the red wave coming. Forgive my angstiness. But doesn't mean I don't show my displeasure that I'm fine with everything. Nope I ain't. Probably I'm also pissed at myself for letting my attention wander. It should be solidly on Muay Thai and studying yet there I am fretting over people who are warped and pure andmeaningless distractions. GOD!! No more!!!
Going for Nike Human race tmw... PSI better be good mann...

2010-10-21T14:36:00.002+08:00

Ever had a dream of someone and the next day you actually do see the person? Well it's happening haha. And it's blardy random because the person is not even an aquaintence haha... Also have you ever felt something like deja vu? Where you know you've seen the exact same scene before and you're so sure of it? Usually the feeling goes away after awhile because you soon can't remember what's gonna happen next but for today it actually happened for quite a long while- I could actually look carefully and slowly at the scene and know and tell myself that I've seen this before... weird hahaha

2010-10-20T19:10:00.002+08:00

Had a gymming session with PJ just now and mann.... i's either the haze or the flu virus but it sucks!!! I couldn't run long on the treadmill and I decided I didn't want my muscles to grow any bigger than they already were. Was having a HTHT with the babe and we have come to the conclusion that we are stronger now =) I've learnt that no matter what happens in life, in every situation we must come out of it well or even better than before. The winner is chosen when the loser shows and the loser is the person who is a pessimist, who dwells on the past with negativity and learns nothing from the issues that have happened. Sure, I'm not saying that we should forget all unhappy stuff. On the contrary, THINK OF IT. But when thinking of it refrain from the negative feelings and search instead for the lessons and signs that you are now better than you were then. If you think you are no better then BECOME BETTER.

Yes a taiwanese show once had a character say that as long as they have not left the poker table they are still in the gam; if they are not dead they are still in the game of life and thus there is no definite winner. I agree with that. However, I also believe that we can make ourselves winners and champions if we want to because the only person who can really affect us is OURSELVES =)) We must strive to be better and show the world that we've come out of a crisis unscathed and have been reborn like the phoenix which died in the fire.

Alright I'm getting dramatic hahaha....

I've also come to the conclusion that if someone has a bone to pick with you about yourself, you can definitely find a bone to pick with them and WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE?? Tell those people to really F off and die because no one is going to take me down. Uh-uh!

2010-10-20T19:04:00.002+08:00

I've been having thoughts about certain people and life lessons and I really wanna make them into fairy tales so that next time I can read them as bedtime stories to my kids and they will learn life experiences better rather then know that Humpty Dumpty who was an egg sat and fell off a wall -.-

The issues I think of are so striking when they come but when I try to recall them after they have faded away. I'll try to recall some of them....

OKI've clearly forgoteen. I do remember thinking of a story when I saw this guy today.... hmmmm if memory serves me well he's not a person who looks very socially accepted hmmm GOD my memory sucks.... either that or I should write things down more often... Maybe I should bring my notebook everywhere I go LOL and be a real writer like what facebook told me I was meant to be LOL

My eyes are open

2010-10-20T00:20:00.003+08:00

I can't believe I missed out on so many cute and great guys out there =)) My eyes are open now and I see the attractive men everywhere. However, admitting they are attractive does not mean I want a relationship with them. If admiring means wanting to have then my house would be packed with lots of stuff from dogs to furniture!! LOL However, I have this rule: Never go for a guy who is not that into you. Why settle for something les when there are so many more out there eh? LOL

Break your heart

2010-10-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

Maybe I should make this song my mantra =))

Woah Woah

Now listen to me baby
Before i love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna decieve you

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I'mma tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start.

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart. (x4)

Now listen to me baby
Before i love and leave you
They call me heart breaker
I don't wanna decieve you

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I'mma tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start.

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart. (x4)

Woah woah

Theres not point trying to hide it
No point trying to erase me
I know i got a problem
By doing this behavour

If you fall for me
I'm not easy to please
I'mma tear you apart
Told you from the start, baby from the start.

I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.
I'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart.

Muay Thai XII

2010-10-17T22:57:00.002+08:00

Cairnhill CC training was the BOMB!!!! hahahaa.... honestly, I can see quite a bit of improvement although this is like my 3rd lesson. I remember my first time there and we had something like free sparring. I partnered with a girl who was more senior in the sport with me and all I could do was put the gloves to my face. I didn't dare to drop my guard because of the barrage of punches she was giving me. That was my first contact sparring sort of and it SUCKED!! LOL!! But well today we did quite a bit of that while moving round robin style. Thing is I didn't do anything with her. However, I am picking up some stuff like how to parry and repose, using the fencing terms hahaa... During the fighter training, I also went for a session with trainer R. Although he was tough with the guys, he gave me a lot of chance as I was a girl and it was my first time doing such a session. He did tell me some stuff such as after parrying, I have to repose immediately. However the thing is when I parry his left punch and I attack with my left hand, he will have his arm up to guard himself so it kinda defeats the purpose? And also, I parried by curving his arm down which is kinda a waste as when I asked Coach J, he advised me to just beat the hand off track while blocking your jaw with the other hand and immediately using the hand used to parry to punch in a one motion sense. It was awesome. Also, I learned to move and be limber. When punching, we have to dodge as well and not stay on one spot. My shin kick was also corrected by Coach L. as I seemed to be lifting my striking leg one big round before landing on target. After a few tries with the punch bag I think I got it but I really have to practice or the feel will be forgotten. Not forgotten totally but I will need some time to get the form back like how I am doing now. Can't wait for Thursday training!!! Going to ask coach if we can have some sparring after training!! Wheeeees =))

Tired

2010-10-14T23:48:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I'm tired of going after something that seems to be getting further and further away. Like I said, I don't see the point in putting in so much effort something with such a low success rate. And this thing is also very much based on fate so.... let fate do the work then =)) This is different from so many other things because it involves someone else and that someone else has their own karma, fate, life, feelings, emotions etc... So I can't do this thing alone. It's not like fencing where it's yourself, your sword and the opponent on the piste. It's not like Muay Thai where it's the technique yourself and the opponent in the ring. Nor is it like canoeing where it's you, your physical qualities and the long stretch of water in front of you. I will now put my full focus on Muay Thai because in the long run that is where I want to be, a fighter in the ring with myself, my gloves and the fallen opponent in front of me. =))

Muay Thai XI

2010-10-14T23:39:00.002+08:00

Today we did quite a bit of padwork. Paired up with a junior so things weren't that streneous. My shin kick sucks again... I can see that I'm slapping the pads.... I've gotta work at it.... really... The consecutive kicks aren't good either... I guess when technique is there, consecutive kicks will have a lil bit of technique left but if the technique is shaky, consecutive kicks will be just a mess.... and Mine is a mess.... I really wanna perfect my kicks... really.... maybe on Sunday I'll go and kick the bags when the others are doing fighter training.... >.<

It Flies By

2010-10-10T23:35:00.002+08:00

Not too long back, I was still crying over a love that was not meant to be. I was crying everynight trying to go to sleep happy was like a fantasy, a dream. And then it ended just like that without a warning; oh wait, there was ample warning before that with the tears and the angry cries. It was just that I was too blind to see it. I made my mistakes, I begged for forgiveness. But I guess the love that I had was too little to provide any forgiveness. It provided only torment and anguish, and did not have a heart big enough to accept the flaws like how I tried to live with it's flaws. Enough said. When have I regretted anything in my life? Other than the time I was forced to say I regretted something or face the wrath and sarcasm of the one who said he loved me. Pointless and meaningless words; enough of that.

What is past is past and now and then, yes it is human to remember but it is Melissa to face it in the face, look it square in the eye and say "FUCK YOU TO HELL" because I will NOT let it control me. Time to live life the way I want to live it.

Time passes so fast. And though my heart is healing and is at the 97% mark, I am open to love. And here I am at the crossroads once again. Except this time round I have learned my lesson and I want to take things slowly. It is pointless rushing into something based on the craziness of falling in love. I survived the first 3-4 days of being head over heels, made some rash decisions, none of which were too drastic I hope, and come out of it clear-headed once more. I know what I want and I know what I have to do and being crazy like how I was is not the way. It is true I do not regret anything of my past, but now I am more mature and I should be able to do things better to minimize error and heartache and that is what I will do. Gone is the stage of heady lovesickness and in comes the maturity that I need for a new love. I am willing to wait, for patience is always rewarded. In the meantime, I will continue, knowing what I have to do and try not to give up, like I am wont to do when I view something as having a high chance of being unsuccessful. Because sometimes, when it is too early, you cannot judge the chances of success, it is just too volatile a time to tell.

Muay Thai does help. It makes you think, makes you plan, yet forces you to plan properly within a short period of time. It is nothing like what people descibe it to be-rash and brutish. It trains you to know yourself so much so that in knowing yourself, you know what you can or cannot do, or more likely, what you must do to make sure that you can accomplish something. There is nothing that is impossible, or cannot be done. It only depends on the steps you take to accomplish what you want to get done.

Slowly Mel, because as time flies past, you can stand there and view it at a comfortable pace and assess what you want with your life.

Muay Thai X

2010-10-10T21:07:00.002+08:00

It's been quite some time since my last Muay Thai post.... I've been lazy!!! >.< haha.... Today I went for my second Cairnhill CC training. It was a blast!! =))Did light sparring during the fighter training session but for the first park, lotsa pad work. I really like it. In the beginning my shin kick was horrible...AGAIN!!! I have to buck up!! I can't believe I forgot after one week of no training!!! Hmmm I gotta work harder if I wanna become a fighter!!

We did rotational punch/kicking and blockings and I got to do the punching bag a few times. Think my right side knee is still weak hmmmm I think I have to twist my waist more more more!!! Also we did some conditioning by letting others punch us... with gloves on of course!! Haha... I think I like the pain? Hahaha or I just want my body to get the maximum it can get!!! =P

I find that I'm kinda scared of punching myself in the face when someone punches me and I block now. I was taught how to block properly by Yan after training. The thing is to place the edge of your palm on your brow and block using your whole arm generally and must not forget to hunch so that you can protect your ribs as well... I am just scared of getting hit I guess or maybe I'm not used to it...

I can't wait for next week's training!!! I really wanna up my level!!! I must make sure I do well from now on =)) GAMBATTE

Toxic =))

2010-10-02T23:45:00.001+08:00

Baby, can’t you see
I’m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It’s dangerous
I’m fallin’

There’s no escape
I can’t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You’re dangerous
I’m lovin’ it

Too high
Can’t come down
Losing my head
Spinning ‘round and ‘round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

It’s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It’s taking over me

Too high
Can’t come down
It’s in the air
And it’s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I’m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic
And I love what you do
Don’t you know that you’re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

[x2]
With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now

Confused.... or rather, at a loss.

2010-10-02T21:30:00.003+08:00

To, or not to? Am I wrong to feel for him? And why do I feel this way about him? I don't know why this attraction came. I do know that the first time I saw him, I did notice him but there was not really an attraction. In fact at first glance he looked alright but after that initial reaction, I didn't find him attractive. I do know when it started though, perhaps about 3-4 weeks back or so? The suddenly closeness or the sudden getting to know him got to me. At that moment, there was this rush, this feeling that I would like to be with this person, that this scene would be what I wanted were I to be together with this person. I've had this feeling once before, for a short while. But this feeling for this current guy is rather overwhelming. The rush of feeling I feel makes me feel dizzy and it's the typical dizziness associated with romance, something that I haven't felt in quite some time now. I have felt fear when it comes to relationships but this is different from the fear I've felt the past few months when I was in a relationship. This is not the fear of the person, this is the fear and anxiousness you feel when you really want a particular someone and you're scared that by you feeling this way you will lose them. I feel like a girl again. I feel free and young, something that I wasn't able or allowed to feel for a long time. I am ready to move forward now I feel. I have put him behind me. But this person in front of me.... it's like the crush I had long ago all over again.... I want to tell him, yet after experiencing a lot of things I am thinking of far too much. I do know what I have to do, yet my impulsiveness clashes with my anxiousness. What do I want to achieve by telling him? To get it off my chest? To see if there is a chance between us? Suddenly I know what a proper relationship should be like now and I have a feeling that he would share my sentiments on this issue as well. However, I am not sure and thus I am scared.... For once I think I shall break away from my character because I know that this particular part of my character, my impulsiveness, has caused me to act unwisely before. This time round I want to do things right. I will tread carefully. I hope that what happens in the end will be what I am hoping for..

Muay Thai IX

2010-10-01T21:13:00.002+08:00

Yesterday we had a free trial with new folks =)) Met a classmate from ICP there too =)) Yesterday the batch after us trained with us and Coach Jason. Did a lot of padwork =)) The most rying one for me was still the shin kick. Throughout the day at the CCA booth, I got help from XN and Yan on how to do the kick and it was getting better, I was twisting and pivoting and all =)) VS helped as well by sharing the method used by Kyokushin Karate. I much prefer that move because it was bent-kneed and offered more stability and your opponent would be less likely to sweep you off your feet. Loved the padwork though and I think my knee technique is getting better =)) punching wise I still think I am lagging and all =)) gotta pick myself up =)) Gotta train train train train TRAIN =))